“Did you ever try to find out?”
I picked up the wooden spoon and stirred the stew, inhaling the rich scent as I tested the softness of the potatoes. “She would never tell me their names, but when I was a teenager, I did the math to see the timeframe in which I was conceived. Then I researched the movies she did during that time period, then researched the men. There were, um, more than eight, so I’m not really sure.”
His hands moved to my shoulders, his thumbs soothing away the tension. “Please don’t tell me you watched her movies.”
I wrinkled my nose. “No, although one auto-started once and about gave me a heart attack. The thing is, I look so much like my mother that I couldn’t tell if any of them could be genetically linked to me. I ended up feeling worse about myself, about everything if I’m honest, so I stopped searching.” I looked up at him, and he kissed my forehead, his fingers still working magic on my shoulders. “I plan to change my name when I get back to California. Give myself at least one layer of protection against men who think they have rights to me just because of who my mother is.”
“When did you find out what your mom did for a living?”
I stirred the stew, needing something to do with my hands. “I’ve always known. Cynthia — that’s what she prefers me to call her — never pulled any punches. She is of the ‘God created us to have sex so it’s a natural and beautiful thing so we should all just go have an orgy’ mindset.”
Gray snorted. “Cynthia uses the words ‘God’ and ‘orgy’ in the same sentence?”
I rolled my eyes. “Cynthia uses all kinds of words in the same sentence.” I changed my voice into her annoying manic twitter. “Zoe… will you please run to the store for me, my darling. We’re out of milk and I need batteries for my vibrator.”
“Good god.”
I exhaled a long breath. “I know, right?”
His hands tightened on my shoulders, his thumb working on a knot. He chuckled, but it didn’t hold much humor. “I mean, doesn’t she get enough sex without needing to, you know…?”
I wrinkled my nose and slapped his hand, but he didn’t stop massaging. “She’s a sex addict. And yes, I know all about that too. I know that she needs to have sex, with someone else or with herself, at least once a day, more is better.”
“She tells you that?”
He didn’t get it. “Since I was little.” I switched to her twittering tone again. “Darling, I’m going upstairs with the plumber now for a little loving. Be a good girl and let me know if…” I shrugged, “fill-in-the-blank boyfriend comes home.”
Gray was quiet, and I glanced up at him to see his mouth hanging open. “Did any of the fill-in-the-blank boyfriends ever try anything with you?”
I stirred again. “Yes. The girlfriends did too.”
“You’re kidding me.”
“Nope, and I have to say, that is one thing I can thank Cynthia for. She never let any of them touch me, and if they did, they were gone. That part of my childhood could have been very different.” I tested the potatoes again. “Although I think it was less from her wanting to protect me than it was that she saw me as competition. She was proud of me, but a part of me thinks she was jealous of me too. My youth.”
He shook his head, his hands moving up to my scalp, massaging there. Bliss. “But now she wants you to star in a movie with her?”
“Right. When I turned eighteen, things changed and the pressure to go into the business increased. She thinks it will make her star even shinier to be a successful mother-daughter team. Her goal is to out produce the Sexxxtons.”
“B-but…” He was sputtering. “Isn’t that illegal?”
“Very. Which is why the porn industry has so many politicians in its pocket. They also have very high paid lawyers. Did you know there is a thing called GSA Syndrome? Genetic Sexual Attraction. Those filthy lawyers have successfully used it to get around the incest laws.” I felt the slow heat of anger begin to burn in my stomach, and I realized it was the first time my ulcer had presented itself in days.
“That’s hard to believe.”
I nodded. “It’s also why sex trafficking isn’t cracked down on as hard as it should be. Sex is a powerful industry. There’s lots of talk about drugs or even gambling, but porn is just as dangerous, in my opinion. There are a lot of sick people out there. People who put porn before anything, including their families. It’s an addiction that few people talk about.”
Gray’s hands covered mine, forcing me to put the spoon down, probably before I turned our stew into mush. “This might sound like I’m trying to pat you on the head, but I’m going to say it anyway.” He kissed my hair. “I’m proud of you. Proud that you could withstand the pressures and come out so… normal.”
I laughed, authentically delighted. “I think that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.” Linking my hands through his, I made a confession to the rhythmic motion of his thumb rubbing in circles. “It’s one of the reasons I held onto my virginity so tightly. It was kind of like a badge of honor in a world with no honor. Plus, I used it like a cross to hold Dracula away. When Cynthia or Theo…” I gritted my teeth at the name, the ulcer giving a small pulse of revulsion.
“Theo?”
“Cynthia’s agent for as long as I can remember. When he would try to tell me how great things would be if I joined up, I’d pull out my v-card and remind them that I didn’t want some porn king to be my first. In some ways, Mom actually seemed to connect with that. I think in some ways, she found it romantic. She lost her virginity when she was seven when my grandparents began to sell her out for sex, so the idea of being able to choose a first lover connected with her.”
Gray’s thumb stopped, then his hands moved down to encircle me, hugging me tight against his chest. “That’s terrible.”
I nodded, snuggling my back into his warmth. “Yes, it is. You wouldn’t believe how many women in porn were abused as a child. The industry feeds off their insecurities, making all these promises of a better life. I can remember overhearing directors tell Mom that a scene would be ‘normal.’ Hours later, she would come out of the studio crying and barely able to walk. I’d help her into a bath when we got home, and she’d fall into this terrible depression that would last for days.”
“I’m sorry, Zoe.”
I whisked away a stupid tear. “My friend Leslie asked me why I don’t just turn my back on Mom. Cynthia. That’s why. I remember how hurt she’s been, and beneath the porn queen glam and fa?ade, she’s just a hurt little girl wanting someone to love her. If I didn’t, no one would.”
More tears fell, and I wiped them away with the sleeve of the robe then grabbed a paper towel to dab at my nose. Gray’s hands went back to my shoulders, starting the massage again.