My heart stopped.
The table was laid with a white tablecloth, crystal wine glasses, silver cutlery, candles, and white orchids. The whole thing looked beautiful. The table had been set for me, for us. In celebration of her future or our future together.
I hadn’t turned up.
I hadn’t called her.
I pressed my thumb and forefinger against my forehead. I had to make this better. I turned to find a speaker set up on the dresser with her iPad plugged in. I swiped it open.
A Nightingale Sang in Berkley Square.
Fuck. I was a selfish man who didn’t deserve Violet King.
Violet
I opened my eyes as the faint click of the front door closing drifted upstairs.
Alexander had left.
I glanced at the clock. It was five after nine. He was late this morning. Maybe he’d lingered to see if I’d stir. Fact was, I hadn’t slept much at all and had been awake for hours. I’d heard him come in, but had pretended to be asleep. I hadn’t wanted to talk to him. Didn’t want to have a conversation about where he’d been and why he hadn’t called. I knew what he’d say. I knew he’d be sorry, but it wasn’t enough.
I had a brother who was a complete workaholic, so it wasn’t as if I didn’t understand what that meant. And in some ways, Alexander’s devotion to his job had worked well for me. I hadn’t felt suffocated and hemmed in, as I had when dating men who had more time on their hands. I’d been able to look forward to our time together while still having time to myself. Last night had brought things into focus for me. Our dinner together should have been symbolic, important—the start of our future together. I’d been accepted to all three programs that I’d applied to, and if Alexander had come back as planned, I would have been preparing for the next two years in London and a future with him.
At least this way I was able to walk away with my heart bruised but not broken.
This was why I didn’t trust men. Why no man since David had lasted more than a few weeks before I walked away.
This was why I didn’t fall in love. Until now, I got out before I could get hurt.
I should have trusted my instincts when they told me it could never work between us. I felt ridiculous for being so upset by being let down by him, because I knew who he was. I knew work always came first.
I didn’t want to be the girl who sat around waiting for her man. That wasn’t seizing the day, and it wasn’t working toward my future either—it was just pathetic. I’d been clear with him that I needed him to be the man he said he was. By not turning up—not even calling me last night when he knew what a big deal it was, knew I was leaving for the US on Tuesday morning—he showed me he wasn’t a man I could love. If Alexander didn’t respect me enough to show up last night, or at least bother letting me know he couldn’t, then I had to walk away. If my future, my heart, what was important to me, was so easily forgotten, then I refused to love him.
It would just take a little time for the feelings that had been creeping up on me for so long to wither and die. They would. I would make sure of it. But I couldn’t stay in London while they did. I didn’t want to hear Alexander’s apology. Or even worse, hear an excuse. I didn’t want to be the girl who was disappointed that a guy didn’t show up for dinner on the night she was going to find out where her future lay. I’d rather be alone. I’d prefer to be with some nameless guy I knew didn’t care about me than be with someone who pretended he did.
I wouldn’t let it embitter me. Seeing Alexander’s drive and purpose had inspired me in so many ways. London had opened my eyes to what my life could be like. I wasn’t going to let this experience turn me into a gibbering wreck. And I wasn’t going to let him affect my future.
I’d spent too long defining my life by the wrongs men had done to me. That time was over.
I sat up and grabbed my phone from my nightstand. I had a resignation letter to write and a suitcase to pack.
The phone buzzed in my hands.
I’m sorry about last night. I completely lost track of time. Did you get in? Call me when you’re up.
I replied. No apologies necessary. Maybe you should stay at the hotel tonight. I have a lot to work through.
He responded right away.
You’re awake. I missed you last night.
A dull ache spread through my body. I’d missed him too. I would miss him. But I’d get over him. Better now than two years down the line.
It was always the plan that today, Monday, would be my last day in chambers before I flew back to the US with Darcy. With just a few weeks to run on my employment with chambers after Christmas, Craig agreed to cut my contract short. I’d told him that I could start my course at Columbia in January if he let me go early. And being the man he was, he agreed. I didn’t like to lie, but it was my plan to see if I could get my start day moved to January once I was back Stateside anyway, so I justified it by seeing it as rearranging the timetable of events.
I’d expected to miss Alexander while I was in Connecticut for the holidays, but I’d thought we’d only be separated for just over a week. I didn’t expect to be walking away forever. He’d called me several times yesterday. Eventually I’d turned off my phone. I didn’t want to have an argument. There was no point. My decision was made.
I was running away and although I knew it was cowardly I didn’t know what else to do—I had to protect myself.
For a few blissful weeks I’d allowed myself to imagine being in London forever. With Alexander and an MBA from a London college—a glittering career and a handsome, charming man by my side. What had I been thinking? As I’d said to Scarlett—my life wasn’t a fucking fairytale.
“Any questions, just email me,” I said to Jimmy as I passed his desk for what would be the last time.
He bounced up from his seat and held out his arms. “I’m going to miss you.” He pulled me into a hug. “Come and visit us next time you’re in London.”
I couldn’t imagine there would be a next time. It would be too painful to come back and imagine what my life would have been like if things had gone differently, if Alexander had been a different man.
Jimmy released me and I said my goodbyes and headed into the corridor. There was just one final farewell to say. Court had finished for the day and Knightley would be back in his office. My pulse raced. I just had to hold it together for a few more moments. I wasn’t such a coward that I was going to leave without saying goodbye, but I had timed it so I knew Sebastian would be in the office. This was the best time to let Alexander know I was leaving. He couldn’t create a scene if there was an audience. Not that he ever would.
I fisted my hands, my fingernails digging into my palms, trying to distract myself from the emotions threatening to overwhelm me. I could do this. I was just saying goodbye to a man I refused to love.