“Which is true.”
“He’s really in my corner, Scarlett. He really wants me to do well.”
“That’s the kind of man you need in your life. So why is it a disaster?”
“Because of a thousand reasons.” I’d been counting them since Sunday morning, as I tried hopelessly to climb down from my cotton-candy cloud.
“Okay. Give me your top three.”
I held out my clenched fist and pushed out my thumb. “Well he lives in London and I live in the US.”
“Easy. One of you can move.”
I dropped my hand to my side. “If you’re just going to say it’s all easy, then I’m hanging up. This is not easy. There is no way he could come to New York—his whole career is here. He’s not even qualified to practice law in the US. And all his clients and his reputation, it’s all here in London.”
“So? Move to London,” she said.
“He wants me to think about doing my MBA in London.”
“That’s a great idea.”
“But then what? What if I still love him at the end of two years? Then what happens?” I was falling deeper and deeper already.
“What do you mean what happens?”
“Well by then it’s going to be difficult to leave.”
“So you don’t. Stay in London.” She made it sound so easy.
“Just like that? Don’t be crazy. Mom and Dad—”
“Mom and Dad want you to be happy, and anyway, they’re not in Connecticut half the time, and I’m in England a lot, too. The world isn’t such a big place. We can video call. I might even persuade Ryder to get a plane.”
I rolled my eyes. She said it like she was going to ask him to pick up some chicken from the market on the way home. “So I just move. Just like that.”
“Yes, just like that. I’ve seen the way that man looks at you. He’s going to go out and buy a flock of nightingales.”
“It’s a watch,” I said as I tried to imagine him looking at me as Scarlett described.
“What’s a watch?”
“The collective noun for nightingales is a watch. Not a flock.”
“Jesus, Violet. Stop being a geek and focus.”
“I am focused. On the thousand other reasons why being with him is a bad idea. He’s impatient, short-tempered, and a complete workaholic.”
“And you love him.”
I did. There was no denying it.
“He’s divorced,” I said. “Because he didn’t have time for a relationship.” He’d said that he was going to try to achieve a better balance, take more time off, but he was hardwired to work. “Why would it work between us if he can’t make it work with his wife?”
“You can’t compare one relationship with another. Things change when you’re in love. Look at Ryder and me.”
I sighed. “Unlike yours, my life isn’t a fucking fairytale.”
“Dancing in the park with a man as charming as Alex sounds like the fairytale is yours if you want it to be.”
If I allowed myself to hope for something for the future, even just for a second, it was Alexander I saw. I didn’t plan. I didn’t invest ahead of time. I hadn’t been that girl for a long time. But Alexander had me applying for courses, thinking about the future, and needing him to be part of it.
“You never think two years in advance about anything. I know I bust your balls about it, but this is the one time you should just see what happens after the end of two years. This is the time where you need to be living in the moment. And it’s not like you’ll be putting your future on hold or anything. If at the end of two years things don’t work out then you’ll still have an MBA.”
That was true. Studying abroad was a thing a lot of people did. Not just the people with boyfriends in a different country. Like Scarlett said, I wouldn’t have lost anything by doing my MBA in the UK.
It would just be easier if I wasn’t in love with him. My feelings left me exposed. I didn’t want to be taken advantage of again, made a fool of. Knightley would never do that on purpose—he had more honor and integrity than David ever did—but that didn’t mean it couldn’t happen. Alexander was so focused on work. I didn’t want to become an appendage to his life. So far things had worked for us, but changing things up left me vulnerable. But maybe the next two years could be a trial period. I knew I had a natural out when I finished if things weren’t working.
“I could just apply for some programs in London. And then if I don’t get in my decision is made.” I’d already made the applications in London. I’d done it on the Sunday morning after the dancing in Berkley Square.
“Yes. And when you do get in, you can stay together for two years and worry about what happens after that then.”
My sister was relentless but part of me hoped she was right. As much as it felt like a disaster to love him, I hated the thought of walking away from Knightley in just a few weeks.
Thirty-One
Violet
I came out of the bathroom to find Alexander standing opposite me. It was a Saturday, but he still wore his suit to go into chambers.
“You’re up early,” he said.
I grinned, stood on my tiptoes, and kissed him. “You are very perceptive. Probably why you’re such a great barrister.” Alexander normally left me in bed on a Saturday morning, but today I had things to do. I had a day of grocery shopping and cooking planned.
“Have we decided what we’re doing tonight?” he asked. “Do you want me to book somewhere?”
“We’ve had three Saturday nights of fancy, if you include Hakkasan,” I said. I couldn’t believe it had been three weeks since our discussion about me doing my MBA in London. Since then I’d applied to Columbia and two places in London. All three had responded this week. I’d been squirreling away the envelopes, ready for when I got my Saturday night with Knightley to open them. “I’d like to stay home tonight.”
“We should be out celebrating.” He circled his hands around my waist and pulled me closer to him.
I’d told Knightley that we’d open the letters together tonight. “We don’t know if we’ll be celebrating. I might not get accepted anywhere.” If I got into Columbia but neither of the London universities, where did that leave us? Either way I wanted it to be just the two of us tonight.
“You are ridiculous at times. Of course they will all want you. You should have more faith in yourself.”
However it went, my whole life was about to change, and I knew that I wanted Knightley there holding my hand as it did.
“I’d still like to stay home.”
He kissed me on the forehead. “Only if you make your mac and cheese.”
I laughed. “I’d been planning to go fancier than mac and cheese. We won’t have another Saturday night before I fly back to Connecticut for the holidays. I fly on Tuesday.” I wanted to make tonight special. I’d planned crystal and fine china. Flowers and a crisp white tablecloth. I might even try to cook venison.
“Are you sure you have to leave me for a whole week?”
I laughed. “You’ll survive. I need to go back and see my family. I was only supposed to be here for three months and now it’s going to be six.”