was alive when I saw her.’
‘Did you see anything else?’
‘No, only Jane. But I didn’t know it was her, it was raining too hard for me to make her out, I could see it was a woman but that’s all. I only knew it was Jane after.’
He exhales heavily, and his breath hangs in the air between us. ‘You didn’t see anybody in the car with her?’
‘No, if I had I would have told the police.’
‘So you didn’t stop?’
Unable to meet his eyes, I bow my head. ‘I thought
she’d broken down so I pulled in in front of her. I thought she might get out of her car but she didn’t – it was pouring down – so I waited for her to flash her lights or sound her horn to tell me that she needed help and when she didn’t I presumed she’d already called someone and that they were on their way. I know I should have got out and run back to check she was all right but I was too scared, I thought it might be some sort of trap, so I decided that the best thing would be to phone the police or one of the breakdown services as soon as I got home, because I was only a few minutes away, and ask them to go and check on her. But when I got home something happened that made me forget to phone them. Then, the next morning, when I heard that a young woman had been murdered, I felt – well, I can’t describe how I felt, I couldn’t believe that I’d forgotten to make that phone call, I kept thinking that if I had, she’d still be alive. I felt so guilty that I couldn’t tell
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anyone, not even my husband, because I thought that if it got out people would point their finger at me and say that I was to blame for her death because I hadn’t done anything to help her. And they would have been right.
And then, when I heard that it was Jane, I felt terrible.’
I swallow down tears. ‘I may not be the murderer but I feel as much to blame for her death as he is.’
I brace myself for his anger but he only shakes his head. ‘You can’t think like that,’ he says.
‘You know what the worst thing is?’ I continue.
‘Afterwards, I kept thinking that if I had stopped, I might have been murdered too. So I was glad that I hadn’t. What kind of person does that make me?’
‘Not a bad one,’ he says gently. ‘Just human.’
‘Why are you being so kind? Why aren’t you angry
with me?’
He gets to his feet. ‘Is that what you want?’ he says, looking down at me. ‘Is that why you’ve come here?
Do you want me to tell you that you’re responsible for Jane’s death and that you’re a terrible person? Because if you do, you’ve come to the wrong place.’
I shake my head. ‘That’s not why I’ve come.’
‘So what is it you want?’
‘I don’t know how much longer I can live with the
guilt I feel.’
‘You have to stop blaming yourself.’
‘I’ll never be able to do that.’
‘Look, Cass, if you want my forgiveness, I’ll give it to you gladly. I don’t blame you for not stopping, if the The Breakdown
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roles had been reversed I doubt Jane would have stopped
to help you, she would have been too frightened to, just as you were.’
‘But at least she might have remembered to get
someone to check up on me.’
He picks up a photograph of the twins, all smiles and blonde curls. ‘Too many lives have already been ruined by Jane’s death,’ he says softly. ‘Don’t let it ruin yours.’
‘Thank you,’ I say, tears filling my eyes again. ‘Thank you so much.’
‘I’m just sorry you’ve been going through so much
anguish. Can I at least make you a cup of tea now?’
‘I don’t want to trouble you.’
‘I was going to make one when you knocked at the
door so it’s no trouble at all.’
By the time he comes back with the tea I’ve managed to compose myself. He asks about me so I tell him that I’m a teacher without mentioning that I’m not working at the moment. We talk about his little daughters and he admits he’s finding it hard being a full-time dad mainly because he misses his job, adding that when his colleagues had asked him to go in for lunch the previous week, it was the first time since Jane’s death that he’d felt up to seeing people again.
‘And how was it?’ I ask.
‘I didn’t go because I didn’t have anyone to look after the girls. Both sets of parents live too far away to pop over at short notice, although they’re brilliant at coming over at the weekend. But it’s still very difficult for Jane’s
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parents, you know, seeing the girls. They look so much like her.’
‘Don’t you have anyone locally who can help you out?’
‘No, not really.’
‘I’d be happy to babysit any time,’ I say. He looks taken aback. ‘I’m sorry, that’s a stupid thing to say, you don’t know me so of course you’re not going to trust me with the girls.’
‘Well, thank you for your offer anyway.’
I drain my cup, aware of an awkwardness between
us. ‘I’d better go,’ I say, standing up. ‘Thank you for allowing me to talk to you.’
‘As long as you’re feeling better about everything.’