‘Perhaps you’d like to come in and have a look
around,’ she offers. ‘Check that nothing’s missing, that kind of thing.’
I follow her back into the house and go through every single room but although I can’t see anything out of place I know that someone was there.
‘I can just sense it,’ I say helplessly when she asks me to explain how I know.
We go back down to the kitchen.
‘Maybe we can have a cup of tea,’ PC Lawson suggests, sitting down at the table.
I go to put the kettle on and find myself stopping in my tracks.
‘My mug,’ I say, turning to her. ‘I left my mug on
the side when I went out and now it’s gone. That’s how I know someone’s been in here. My mug isn’t where I left it.’
‘Maybe it’s in the dishwasher,’ she says.
I open the dishwasher and see my mug sitting on the rack.
‘I knew I wasn’t going mad!’ I say triumphantly. She looks at me doubtfully. ‘I didn’t put it in here,’ I explain.
‘I left it on the side.’
The door opens and Matthew comes in.
‘Everything all right?’ he asks, looking at me nervously.
The Breakdown
273
I leave PC Lawson to speak to him, while my mind
works furiously, wondering if it’s possible that I made a mistake about leaving my mug on the side. But I know that I didn’t.
I turn my attention back to PC Lawson, who has just finished telling Matthew that she couldn’t find any trace of a break-in or of anyone being in the house.
‘But there was someone,’ I insist. ‘My mug didn’t get into the dishwasher on its own.’
‘What do you mean?’ Matthew asks.
‘Before I went out, I left my mug on the side and,
when I came back, it was in the dishwasher,’ I explain again.
He looks resignedly at me. ‘You probably don’t
remember putting it in there, that’s all.’ He turns to PC Lawson. ‘My wife sometimes has problems with her memory, so she forgets things.’
‘Right,’ she says, looking sympathetically at me.
‘It has nothing to do with my memory!’ I say, annoyed.
‘I’m not stupid, I know what I did and didn’t do!’
‘But sometimes you don’t,’ Matthew says gently. I
open my mouth to defend myself but close it again
quickly. If he wanted, he could reel off any number of examples when I haven’t been able to remember what I’ve done. In the silence that follows I know that even if I insist until I’m blue in the face, they’ll never believe that I left my mug on the side.
‘I’m sorry you’ve come out unnecessarily,’ I say stiffly.
274
b a paris
‘It’s no problem. Better to be safe than sorry,’ PC
Lawson says kindly.
‘I think I’ll go and lie down for a while.’
‘Good idea.’ Matthew smiles encouragingly at me.
‘I’ll come up in a moment.’
PC Lawson leaves and I wait for Matthew to come
and find me. When he doesn’t I go downstairs to find him. He’s in the garden sipping a glass of wine as if he doesn’t have a care in the world. A flash of anger hits me.
‘I’m glad it doesn’t bother you that there was someone in the house,’ I say, looking at him in disbelief.
‘Come on, Cass, if all they did was put a mug in the dishwasher, it’s not a threat, is it?’
I can’t work out if he’s being sarcastic as he’s never shown this side of him before. A voice inside me warns: B e careful, don’t push him too far! But I can’t stop the anger I feel.
‘I suppose you’ll only believe me the day you come
home and find me with my throat cut!’
He puts his wine glass down on the table. ‘Is that what you really think is going to happen? That someone is going to come into the house and murder you?’
Something snaps inside me. ‘It doesn’t matter what
I think because nobody takes any notice of what I say anyway!’
‘Do you blame us? There’s absolutely no foundation
for any of your fears, none at all.’
‘He spoke to me!’
‘Who?’
The Breakdown
275
‘The murderer!’
‘Cass,’ he groans.
‘No, he did! And he’s been in the house! Don’t you
understand, Matthew? Everything has changed!’
He shakes his head in despair. ‘You’re ill, Cass, you have early-onset dementia and you’re paranoid. Can’t you just accept it?’
The cruelty of his words stuns me. I can’t find anything to say so I turn my back on him and go into the house.
In the kitchen I stop to swallow down two of my pills, giving him time to come after me. But he doesn’t, so I go upstairs, peel off my clothes and climb into bed.
TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 22nd
When I next open my eyes it’s the morning and, all at once, the events of the previous evening come rushing back. I turn my head towards Matthew, wondering if he tried to wake me when he came to bed to apologise for his hurtful words. But his side of the bed is empty.