With the hand not hanging around Zee’s shoulder, Mark pointed at him, voice elevated as he talked to the group of people crushed around the table. People Zee hadn’t ever seen before.
“This guy right here? My baby brother? Best dude in the world. Can count on him for absolutely anything.”
Affection pressed against Zee’s ribs. It was that same feeling of belonging that engulfed him whenever he was around his brother.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Zee said, grinning at his brother who was always playing him up. Making Zee a bigger deal than he actually was.
Mark shook his head, his voice too eager, his pupils nearly obliterating the brown of his eyes. “Seriously, man. You’re the fucking best. Don’t know what the hell I’d do without you.”
He looked back at his friends. “Goddamned brilliant, too. This asshole?”
Mark was back to jabbing at him again. “Got accepted into some kind of genius school. Kid’s a prodigy. Can play a piano like none other. Sits down and composes a song like he’s been working on it for years. Has been doing it since he was about three. It’s like some kind of Beethoven shit. Next to him, I look like a pathetic hack.”
Mark smiled at him. Too wide and reckless. Zee knew he was fucked up. High on something. He didn’t know what, but it seemed like lately he always was.
Zee hated it. Worried about him nonstop. It was better when he was around. When he could keep tabs on his brother and make sure he wasn’t getting himself in too deep. Guilt grew in his chest, and there he was again, wondering if it was worth it, stepping out of the world he understood and into one where he wasn’t sure he would ever quite fit.
Remnants of the song he’d been working on churned in his mind and twitched like an unfed hunger in his fingers.
He had to believe making that choice was right.
But right then, neither of those things seemed to matter.
The only thing that mattered was that Mark’s pride in him was real. Almost as real as the pride Zee felt for his brother. “Stop it, man,” Zee told him. “What I have going down in my life doesn’t mean anything tonight. We’re here to celebrate you.”
Zee tightened his hold on Mark’s shoulder, his voice low as he muttered it toward his brother’s ear. “You guys made it. You did it. Nabbed yourselves a label. That’s legit. I’m so fucking proud of you…don’t think you have any clue how proud I am.”
He wanted to tell him to guard it. Protect it. To revel in it, but also to make sure he didn’t let it slowly kill him, either.
Because everything good also had a flip side.
An underbelly.
And Zee couldn’t stand watching Mark waste away in it.
But he didn’t say anything, and instead kept it to himself. He didn’t want to ruin the moment.
“Not too bad, right? Now it’s gonna be you watching me on the big stage. No more of that dive shit.” Mark squeezed him again. “Gonna take care of you, man. Always. We’ve got this.”
Zee held tight to his brother. His best friend. The guy he’d always wished he could be.
“We’ve got this.”
Mark grinned as he rocked back, arm still slung around Zee’s shoulders as he jabbed his finger at him again, voice lifted too loud. “Someone get this kid a shot and someone to fuck.”
“Shit…Mark…come on,” Zee muttered, wanting to throttle his brother for being so damned crass all the time. But he guessed he really didn’t mind when he tossed back the shot glass that swirled with shimmery black liquid. He minded it even less when a chick wound her way over to him and slithered up to his side.
No.
He was sure he didn’t really mind it at all.
Chapter Fourteen
Alexis
“Are you ready to talk about it?”
I glanced over my shoulder and found Chelsey sitting at the small round table tucked beneath the window in my kitchen. Midmorning light poured inside, and shimmery silver rivers splashed across the table and tumbled onto the floor.
My older sister stared at me, fiddling with the string of her hot tea bag.
Worry.
It was blatant.
I wondered if it was backward that I was in a constant state of worry over Avril, and Chelsey seemed to be in the same constant state for me.
Or maybe it was perfectly normal.
A typical hierarchy.
I turned back to the dishes I was loading into the dishwasher. “What do you want to talk about?”
“Come on, Alexis. You know exactly what I’m talking about. More than three weeks have passed, and you haven’t said a single thing to me about that night since I dropped you off here after we left the station.”
Our mother had worked two different jobs to support us when we were growing up. Mom had relied so much on Chelsey to be there for me and Avril, and the four of us had become a team that had to work.
Somewhere inside, I knew Chelsey felt just as responsible for Avril straying from our tight-knit flock as I did. She just chose to handle it in an entirely different way.
A sigh filtered free. “I’m not sure there’s anything more to say.”
Her cup clanked behind me, adding to the weighted tension climbing into the stagnant air. “Has she called you since then?”
I hesitated.
“Damn it, Alexis. Tell me you haven’t gone back down there. God…did you give her more money?”
Setting the rag aside, I slowly turned and leaned back on the counter.
I loved my sister. I did. She wanted the best for me. But it seemed what she’d forgotten was we wanted the best for Avril, too.
A shot of defensiveness rose in my chest. “I did give her some money, but I didn’t go all the way back down there.”
Thoughts of Zee sprang into my mind. The heat of his stare as he’d leaned against that wall. A shiver shook through my body.
Shaking her head, Chelsey’s gaze dropped to her tea. “She’s not only putting you in physical danger, Alexis, but also she’s robbing you. Robbing you of your security, of the things you might want to have or do. You work hard at a job I know you really don’t even like, and then you turn around and give it to her. That is so messed up.”
“I like my job.” Why did my argument sound so weak?
“You tolerate your job,” she disagreed, finally lifting her eyes back to me as she tilted her head to the side. “You think I don’t know you’d rather be doing a million other things than working in an attorney’s office?”
“I don’t know how my job has anything to do with this.”
“It has everything to do with it. It’s just another example of you always doing what benefits everyone else instead of yourself. You make great money, but you do it so you can support your deadbeat sister. Before Mom moved to Iowa, you gave up most of your weekends to visit her, and you don’t go out because you volunteer your time.”
I started to defend myself, but she held up a hand. “Before you say something, I’m well aware there’s nothing wrong with wanting to help other people whenever you can. But when was the last time you did anything solely for yourself?”