“Then why am I here?” I pushed.
Humorless laughter rolled from him as he moved forward to hold onto the bench on either side of me.
Those bronze eyes pinned me to the spot.
Mesmerizing. Intoxicating.
“Because I can’t seem to stay away from you, even if I know doing so is only for my own good. For your own good. But I need this, Alexis. Just as much as you do. I’m giving you the sliver I have left. A few moments in the midst of the bullshit that I made my life. And yeah, it’s stupid and reckless and careless…”
He scooted forward, and I could feel him giving. Just a fraction. His big body barely prodded at my knees as he climbed between them to invade my space.
That self-preservation was nowhere to be found when I breathed him in.
Cedar and spice and sex.
I wanted to lean forward and inhale. Memorize everything about him. Because somewhere inside me, I knew one day he would simply disappear.
His hands landed on my waist, and he tugged me forward. Low and desperate, the petition spilled from his mouth.
“But I need this, Alexis. I need to know you’re safe and, for a little while, I just…I need you. I need to remember what it’s like to be a part of something beautiful. And I fucking know it’s about the most selfish goddamned thing I could do…to ask you to stay when we aren’t playing for keeps. But I know you need a little bit of this, too. This feeling. So for the little bit of time we have, let me stand by your side. Let’s pretend like this is something we could possibly have.”
My entire being trembled. “What happens when you break my heart?”
His fingers dug deeper into my flesh. “You don’t give me that power. When that bastard is behind bars, you walk away. You find someone who can give you all the things I can’t.”
Part of me wanted to be relieved to have any piece of him. Willing to take whatever he would offer.
The rational side of me resisted. The part that rang with a warning my conscious couldn’t ignore. “Why does this…us…being here…feel wrong? Why does it feel like we’re doing something wrong?”
He wound one of those big hands up in my hair. “You could never, ever be wrong, Alexis. What you have to remember is I am. And there are some things I can’t tell you and the public can’t know about us—about this—but I promise, I won’t ever lie to you.”
I bit at my bottom lip. “You want me to be your dirty secret.”
His face blanched, and his fist constricted in emphasis. “God. No, Alexis. It’s not you who’s dirty.”
And I knew it then. It was him who held all the secrets.
Dark, deep, and destructive.
If I were smart, I’d get up and run. But that didn’t change the fact I felt desperate to get behind those secrets, to see what they meant and why they caused him so much pain.
“The tabloids…they say you’ve never been spotted with a girl. They’re always speculating…coming up with reasons why you’ve lived a life so different from the one the rest of the guys used to. Is that true…that you’ve never been with anyone since you’ve been a member of Sunder? Or do you keep secrets like me everywhere you go?”
I didn’t want it to come out like some kind of accusation or pathetic jealousy, but even if he didn’t realize it, he was asking me to put my heart on the line.
He already had me so mixed up, questioning everything. Who we were and who I wanted us to be.
“I haven’t been with anyone in a long, long time, Alexis.”
“Why now?”
Frustration jetted from his mouth. “Why now? Why? Because of you, and you couldn’t have come crashing into my life at a worse time.”
Tears threatened to gather, but Zee…he looked at me so tenderly that it tugged at all those secret places inside me.
He cupped my chin. “You came at the goddamned worst time, Alexis. But I guess it’s true what they say—the best things always do.”
“Then what do we do?” I gulped around the affected words. “I feel like you’re asking me to have a temporary relationship with you. That it ends the second that monster is in a cell.”
“We can’t have a relationship, Alexis. The only thing I know is I want to steal as many moments with you as I can until there aren’t any left.”
Choked laughter rolled off my tongue. “So, you’re going to keep your hands to yourself?”
The faintest smile pulled at his mouth. “All I’m saying is I can try. You make me wish for things I don’t deserve to have. To believe in wishes coming true. To believe in us… even when I know it’s just pretend.”
“This is crazy.” The words sounded like submission.
He fiddled with a strand of my hair, rubbing it between his fingers. “Well, since we already established you’re insane, this should be easy.”
“Goofball.” It came out soggy with affection. This boy was doing things to me he shouldn’t have the power to.
Tucking the piece of hair behind my ear, he sighed and glanced toward the giant clock that hung on the wall. “Shit,” he muttered as he edged back an inch. “Hour has already passed. I have to go. Guys are expecting me for practice tonight.”
“Oh.” I didn’t mean for it to come out so disappointed.
Apologetic, he rubbed his palm over his mouth, and I watched in wonder as his demeanor changed course and this light affection climbed into his eyes.
It was right then I saw two sides of him clash.
“Next tour kicks off in about four weeks. Last year, we took it pretty easy with all the family stuff going on, but it’s time we got back on the road before the fans go and forget about us. We’re working through a few kinks for the set, trying to grab onto the vibe. Get our hearts back in the music. All the guys and their families are in town to prepare, so it’s kind of a mandatory thing. I don’t show and they’ll basically come over here and round me up anyway.”
“That’s okay. It’s your job,” I told him.
“Yeah, but it’s more than that. We might not have the same blood flowing through our veins, but we’re family. A team. Even if it wasn’t part of my job to show, I’d want to be there.”
His smile was softer than I’d ever seen. “Their wives kind of like to mom me considering I’m the loner of the bunch.”
Affection. It was so apparent. Easy in his eyes. I couldn’t help but feel happy for him, that he had people who clearly meant so much to him.
“Honestly, it’s fine. I completely understand.” I glanced behind me at the piano. “We kind of got sidetracked.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, guess we did. Not sure I have it in me to complain.”
It would probably do us good to put some space between us anyway. Some time away to figure out what all this meant.
Standing from the bench, I leaned down and grabbed my bag from where I’d dropped it on the floor. I could feel Zee rising behind me.
Could feel him deliberating. Contemplating.
“Come with me.”
Shocked, I spun around to face him. “What?”