“Shit,” he muttered quietly from behind me before his heavy footsteps were suddenly moving across the floor. “Fuck, Alexis, don’t go.”
I sped up, that nonexistent self-preservation finally kicking in.
He snatched me by the wrist and tugged me around, forcing me to face him. His expression a map of conflict and turmoil. His voice dropped lower. “Don’t go.”
Sadness clutched my chest. “If I give myself, Zee, I give myself with all I have. With everything I have. I give and I give, and I let people take and take. But with you? I’m not sure I can handle you not giving in return, because I have no idea what it is you want from me.”
Honesty. Sometimes it was brutal. Sometimes it was hard to confess. Sometimes it made you vulnerable and small.
I was transparency. He was fog and mirrors.
He fisted a hand, pushed it against his mouth as if he were trying to keep the words in.
The second he dropped it, they rushed out. “I…I want to teach you. I want you to come back. I want…” He trailed off, leaving his intentions hanging in the air.
He blinked. “Most of all, I need to know you’re safe. Until that bastard is behind bars, I need to know you’re safe.”
I raked my teeth over my bottom lip, searching for ground when he’d already knocked me off my feet. “You confuse me.”
A regretful smile pulled at his mouth. “Believe me, gorgeous, you confuse me, too.”
Chapter Twelve
Zee
“So that means an additional three months?”
From behind his desk, Anthony rocked back in his chair, attention jumping to each of us who were sitting in his office. “That’s what it would require. Some of the big cities will be two shows. They expect every stop to sell out. Nothing but coliseums and stadiums. The money is…” Anthony shook his head. “It would be insane to pass it up.”
Crazy this was everything we’d ever wanted. What we’d worked and strived and fought for. The bullshit my crew had endured. The life my brother had been dragged into.
The devastation and destruction. The victories and the triumphs.
I’d been there for the lowest lows. Now we were sitting at the highest high.
And I was certain I’d never sat through a heavier meeting.
Lyrik looked at the ground where he rested his forearms on his knees. He rubbed a tattooed hand over the back of his neck, weary when he looked back up. “That’s a lot of time away from home, man. We were already gonna be gone for four months. Now you’re asking for seven?”
Could feel the agitation churning through Austin where he sat to the side of me, it even clearer with the way he scrubbed both hands down his face. “Seven months. More than half a year.”
Austin was our lead singer, and just like me, he had stepped up to take his older brother’s place in the band. Though their circumstances were entirely different since his brother Baz was sitting to the other side of him, there to support us through every decision we made.
The guy was still just as much a part of this band as he was the day he’d stepped down to spend more time with his family and started producing our albums rather than standing out in front of them.
He’d said his heart couldn’t take it, being out on the road and leaving his family behind.
Which led us to the crux of things.
Tension bounded off the walls, the room far too small to contain the friction that clashed and contended. The loyalty and devotion and commitment that was spinning and raging.
Problem was, none of us really knew exactly what that meant anymore.
Austin gave a harsh shake of his head, something like grief striking in his hoarse voice. “God…Sadie will probably be walking by the time I get home.”
Austin’s wife, Edie, had given birth to Sadie three months ago. The baby girl was the light of his life.
Grief got me by the throat. I totally understood. My days were always like that.
Limited. Just glimpses and flashes into what could’ve been.
Lyrik sighed and looked in Austin’s direction. “You think I don’t get it, man? You think I want to take off and leave Tamar and Adia behind for that long? Barely get to see Brendon as it is. This is just…brutal.”
Anthony cleared his throat, his tone riddled with his own hesitation. “You know the only thing I want is the best for each of you. The best for your families. But I’ve also watched you work your asses off for years to get to this point. I’ve seen the dedication and commitment to your goals. The blood, sweat, and tears that came with it. The sacrifice.”
His gaze bounced around to each of us. “I know what it is you’ve told me you want, and this is it. The culmination. And it’s not like you won’t be able to come home on breaks, or your families can’t meet you wherever you are. I promise you, we’ll make this work.”
I knew it was hard for him to push us in this direction. But he’d also always done what was best for the band. After all, that was what we’d hired him to do.
Lyrik shook his head, dark hair in his face. “You know it’s not that simple anymore. We have babies we don’t need to go jetting into foreign countries. The girls…they have their own ambitions. Don’t want Tamar to think it’s her duty to follow me around the world just because I’m living my dream.”
Baz lifted his chin to Lyrik. “But you know she’d do it for you if you asked her to.”
Affection deepened Lyrik’s tone. “Of course she would. Just like any one of our girls would. Which is why I don’t want to uproot her when she’s happy. Settled.”
Anthony thrummed his fingers on the desk, filled with his own agitation. “I’ll make sure there’s time for you guys to get a break at least once a month so you can come back home for a few days. Some of them I know we can fit in a week or two.”
Lyrik tilted his face toward the ceiling, rubbing his throat, contemplating.
Austin sighed and sat back in his chair.
Everyone turned to Ash who’d remained silent the whole time. Dude was leaned over like he might be sick to his stomach, holding his head.
He suddenly jerked his head up. “Is this what everyone wants?”
Austin banged his head back on his leather seat. “It’s our fucking job.”
“Yeah,” Lyrik agreed. “Nothing none of us didn’t expect. Just fuckin’ sucks when it sneaks up on you.”
My knee bounced a million miles a minute, hating the idea of being gone that long. Not with the shit that was going down with Veronica. Not with her going off the rails and shunning the agreement we’d made.
Not with Alexis.
The thought hit me unbidden. It should’ve been warning enough. An omen I was treading on thin ice. The fact I was even considering her in the midst of everything I was already trying to balance was straight stupidity.
Because this was my life. What I lived for. My duty.
My brother’s legacy.
I wouldn’t ever let that go.