“I need your sorrys even less than I need you right now. You manage to forget I exist and put me at the bottom of your priority pile most of the time, so let’s just keep up with that tradition shall we?”
I watched him push his hands down deep into the pocket of his jeans as he stared once again at the floor in front of him. His hair had grown, his usual stubble was a full-on beard, and I wanted nothing more than to reach out to him. I wanted him to hold me. To love me. I knew that if I did reach out for him, he would do both of those things, but I let my anger get the better of me and pushed him away.
When he looked up at me he was crying.
“You’ve broken my heart,” I told him. My words coming out on a sob.
“I know. I fucking know, pretty girl, and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
I shook my head. “You don’t, though. You have no fucking idea.”
We stared at each other, both of us crying, and for the first time ever, I contemplated what life might be like as a single mother to three small boys. I allowed the word “divorce” to worm its way into my brain and thought about all that it would entail for me and for my children.
“I’m gonna go and see the babies, and then I’ll be back.”
“I don’t want you back.”
“I don’t care. I should’ve been by your side through all of this. I wasn’t, but I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere.”
***
I was allowed out of the hospital after a week, meaning that I was able to attend my grandad’s funeral. The twins were ten days old, but were still in the hospital, so Liam, Carter, Lori, Maggie, and me were all staying with my nan. And because they were likely to remain in hospital for a few weeks yet, we’d decided to move Christmas to Nan’s house, too. The twins were gaining weight and breathing on their own but both of them still had feeding tubes.
It was hard, so hard. Liam and I were barely speaking. True to his word, he hadn’t left my side, but I was still struggling to forgive him.
I felt the same way about my brother, too. He’d offered his apologies, but I saw them as nothing but hollow platitudes and had nothing to say to him, either.
Nan wasn’t doing so great either and had us all worried. She’d once had to bury her only child, and now she had to bury her husband. I couldn’t imagine ever having to do either, and I didn’t want to. It was that thought that helped me make up my mind to try to sort out the mess that was my marriage. I knew I had to let go of some of the hurt, anger, and resentment and allow Liam back in. He was trying his hardest to make amends, but until then, I’d shut him down at every attempt. The anger was eating me up.
I felt like I was living under a cloud or in a fog. My emotions were a tumultuous mess. I was mourning, I was angry, and I had a cocktail of post-pregnancy hormones pumping through my system. Because I didn’t know how I should be dealing with it all, I simply put a lid on it. I shut it all down and decided to deal with it when I was able to think straight, when I wasn’t so angry, and when I didn’t feel like bursting into tears every thirty seconds.
Liam passed me a cup of tea as I leant against the doorframe of Nan’s kitchen. I took it, but my eyes didn’t stray from Carter, who was playing outside trying to catch snowflakes in his mouth, as Maggie helped him build a snowman.
“We need to talk.”
“About what?” I tore my eyes away from the scene outside and looked at him.
“You’re angry with me.”
I honestly didn’t know what I was, but I knew if I attempted to talk about it, I would probably cry. I didn’t want to cry. I was sick of crying—it got me nowhere.
“I understand why. I’m angry with myself. I just want you to know that it won’t happen again.”
“Don’t promise me that. I don’t want your promises, Liam. They mean nothing to me. They’re empty words just like you’re apologies.”
He stared at me with tears in his eyes while I stared back and sipped my tea. I should have felt bad for what I had just said, but I didn’t. After what happened while he was gone, something shifted in me. The old me never would have lashed out, but it was all I’d wanted to do the last few days. It wasn’t solely directed at Liam, either. I wanted to lash out at just about everyone who spoke to me.
“I’ve taken extended leave from work. I’m not going back until February, and how many hours I work then, will depend on how things are with the twina and between us.”
I shivered and Liam moved behind me, pulling my back into his chest and wrapping his arms around me.
“I fucked up, but I won’t lose you over this. I can’t.” I wondered then if he’d known that it had crossed my mind. If he had finally realised just how badly he’d hurt me. I didn’t say anything and let him go on. “I’ll fight, I’ll beg, and I’ll plead. I’ll do whatever it takes to regain your trust.”
I leant back into my husband’s chest and watched our son play in the snow. I breathed in deep, letting the cold icy December air settle inside me. As I drew that breath, I hoped that it would clear some of the fog that was filling my head and sitting heavy on my chest.
2012