“Maggie drove. Where is he, can we see him?”
She held me out at arm’s length and brushed the tears away from my face with her thumbs.
“He’s gone for scans—he was—it’s not good Sarah. His heart was stopped for a long time.”
She led us both over to sit down on the chairs around the edge of the room.
“They’ll come and fetch us when he’s back.”
Maggie walked into the waiting room seconds before a nurse came to tell us that Grandad was back and had been moved into a room in the intensive care unit. Maggie came with us as we took the lift up to the next floor. She went to the small waiting room up there while the nurse showed us to the room.
“The doctor will be along to see you shortly, she’s just looking at all of the results from the tests.”
I stood at the door, too scared to go in. I could hear the bleeping of the machines and what I assumed was the sound of a ventilator. I could see the end of the bed where I knew my grandad was lying, but I didn’t want to see any more. I didn’t want this to be real, and I didn’t want to do this on my own.
My husband should be here with me, and I was so fucking angry with him right then.
“Oh, Archie. I’m so sorry, my love. I’m so sorry.” I heard Nan sob from inside the room.
I remained in the doorway and cried.
“Excuse me, are you here for Mr Carter?” I turned to see a tall woman in scrubs standing behind me. I wiped my face on the back of my hands before speaking.
“I’m his granddaughter, Sarah Delaney.” I didn’t hold my hand out because it was wet with snot and tears. She seemed to understand the lack of gesture and gave me a small nod. “I’m Deborah Stokes, the doctor that’s been looking after him.”
“It’s Archie, his name is Archie.”
She nodded again. “Can we talk?”
I panicked and forgot to breathe. My head started to spin and dots appeared in front of my eyes. I must have swayed, because Deborah gently took hold of my elbow.
“Let’s get you sat down shall we.”
“She’s thirty-two weeks pregnant with twins and has high blood pressure.” I heard Maggie’s voice tell the doctor, but I had no idea the direction it was coming from. Both my vision and hearing were distorted, and I knew I needed to sit down before I fell down.
“Can I have some help here?” Someone shouted, and I shook my head weakly, trying to clear the fog.
I was eased back into a chair, and then someone was listening to my heart and taking my blood pressure.
“One hundred forty-nine over ninety-nine. Higher than I’d like but not too excessive. How’s her heart rate?”
“Ninety-five.”
“Sarah, what’s wrong, what’s going on?” It was Nan, but I couldn’t see past the doctor standing in front of me.
“Its okay, Mai, she was just a little dizzy,” Maggie answered for me, and it was only then that I realised it was her that had been holding my hand.
After a glass of water and a few minutes sitting, I felt a lot less shaky. I needed to pull myself together. I couldn’t have Nan worrying about both me and Grandad.
I took a few breaths and tried to tell the doctor I was okay to walk, but she insisted I use a wheelchair to get around the hospital. Maggie, took control of pushing me, and wheeled me into Grandad’s room.
I had been right. He was on a ventilator. There were drips and machines all around the head of the bed and attached to him. Nan was sitting at his side, holding his hand.
I began to shake again, but Maggie placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder and I blinked away the tears.
“Oh, Sarah, you shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t have called you.”
“Of course you should have. I’d have been mad if you hadn’t. I’m okay, Nan, just had a bit of a wobble.”
Maggie pushed me as close to my nan and to the bed as she could get me and left to find herself some coffee. Nan and I were there for what felt like eternity, surrounded by the beeps and whooshes of the machines, before the doctor knocked softly on the door.
“Can we go to my office and have a chat about Archie’s test results, Mrs Carter?”
I reached out and took Nan’s hand.
“I’m not leaving him. You can talk to me here.”
The doctor looked towards me for guidance, all I could offer was a small nod. She moved around the bed and crouched down in front of Nan.
“As I’m sure has been explained to you, Archie has suffered a major cardiac arrest, and although we have managed to get his heart restarted, he was without oxygen for quite a while. The tests that we carried out were to look at damage that has been done to his heart and his brain.”
I leaned forward and put my hand over Nan’s as she held Grandad’s.
“The results of the tests show sever damage to the right side of Archie’s heart and zero brain activity.”
“No.” I sobbed out. I didn’t want to. I wanted to be brave and strong, but I wasn’t. “Nan, no, no.”
“Its okay, Sarah. It’s all gonna be okay. You mustn’t get yourself upset, my love, you’ve got those babies to think about.”