“Yeah. Let’s get out of here.”
Caroline threw back her shoulders and looked me over. Suddenly, she was the American Homecoming Queen, and all I wanted was to crawl into my bed, to hide under the covers until I had to catch my plane.
“What is it?” I asked. “You’re giving me a look.”
“No offense,” she said, crossing her arms, “but if we’re going out, you seriously have to change.”
Caroline picked out an outfit for me: a black stretchy skirt that I approved of because it covered my still-scabbing knees and a loose blue shirt that was slightly sheer. The shirt, I approved of less. I could kind of see the outline of my bra, which was neon green.
It was way too much, but whatever, I didn’t care.
The only thing I cared about was going somewhere crowded—somewhere I could be absorbed into the blare of music and the crush of bodies. Somewhere distinctly not here.
After I got dressed, Caroline insisted on French braiding my hair.
“I didn’t even know people still did this,” I said.
“I love French braiding!” Caroline said. “My sisters and I do it for each other all the time.”
“I think you and your sisters have a very different relationship from me and my sister,” I muttered.
Alison didn’t come back, thank God, and I didn’t knock on Mom’s door to tell her I was going out. Even though I probably should have. But she would have known I was upset—she would have stood in the doorway, tapping a pen against the palm of her hand and looking worried, and that would have defeated me. I would have told her everything.
I texted her from Caroline’s phone to say I was going out for Mika’s birthday. She texted back and told me to have fun.
CHAPTER 27
SATURDAY
“THIS PLACE IS INFESTED,” MIKA SAID, wrinkling her nose.
“Infested with what?” Jamie leaned one hand on the bar, then yanked it off and wiped it on his jeans.
“T-Cadders.” Mika held her drink over her head and shouted, “This whole fucking place is infested with fucking T-Cadders!”
“Watch it.” Jamie took the drink from her and put it on the bar. “You could have spilled that on your head.”
“Psh. Or on yours.” She flashed him a manic grin.
I swirled the tiny plastic straw in my melon soda. The ice had melted, and the glass was warm and sweaty.
This was our third club of the night. So far, my plan to distract myself was not working out. Everywhere we went was too obnoxious. Overrun with T-Cadders and saturated with monotonous techno music that ground over the speakers like a chorus of dental drills. Since I didn’t have my watch or my phone, I had no idea what time it was. Probably after midnight? And I was still waiting for something to change, for everyone to suddenly grow comfortable with each other.
Which was never going to happen. David had gone all sullen and broody when he realized I was with Caroline, and Mika barely acknowledged my existence. But Jamie was the worst. There was so much uncertainty in his voice when he’d said “hey,” like he was waiting for me to explain where I’d been all day. Why I’d never shown up.
But I couldn’t. I couldn’t explain how pointless everything seemed. Couldn’t even think through the noise in my head.
And now David had wandered off somewhere, and Mika was ignoring me, and Jamie was barely looking in my direction. (At least he was slightly more comfortable now; he’d had two beers.) The only person I could even begin to tolerate was Caroline, and she’d gone to the bathroom.
I stood on tiptoe to see if she was coming back, but I couldn’t make out much in the thick, beer-foamy crowd. There were some black walls covered in cracked paint and wilting flyers. A few glow sticks waved lethargically in the air. Mika was right. It was infested with T-Cadders. Not just this club in particular, but Roppongi in general. T-Cadders loved Roppongi, even though it was seriously sleazy. The streets were crowded with nightclubs and bars, gaudier and seedier than the nightclubs and bars in other parts of Tokyo.
Mika would have probably told me I didn’t like Roppongi because I was so innocent. If she was still talking to me. Which she wasn’t. She wasn’t talking to anyone except Jamie and the T-Cadders we’d been running into all night. The ones who went on and on about their summer vacations and bemoaned the start of school and happily introduced themselves to Jamie. Some of them hadn’t just introduced themselves. A few girls had touched his arm. They’d said they hoped to see him around sometime.
Caroline came up behind me and grabbed my shoulders.
“Hey!” she said.
“Hey,” I said, exhaling.
Jamie was still watching Mika, smiling at her in this lazy, relaxed way.
“They opened the dance floor upstairs,” Caroline said. “We have to go! We have to dance!”
“I have to finish this,” I said, stirring the straw in my soda.
“I’ll come,” Mika said. She took a swig of her drink and handed it to Jamie.
“Oh,” Caroline said, sizing her up.
So far, the two of them had seemed okay with each other. Not friendly or anything, but okay. Caroline didn’t even seem that annoyed with David. She didn’t talk to him, but she didn’t cry or hurl drinks in his face, either.
Caroline threw back her shoulders and looked at Mika like she’d just decided something important. “Great! Let’s go!”
They threaded their way through the crowd toward a rickety metal staircase already teeming with uncoordinated teenagers.
That left Jamie and me.
Alone.
A part of me wanted to lean into his chest, to touch his cheek. But another part of me—a stronger part—couldn’t put myself through it. Couldn’t try to hold on to another thing I knew I’d have to lose.