“Oh.” She dropped her eyes, and the heartache in that one word slayed him again.
He couldn’t stand not touching her and reached for her hand. He wanted to comfort her as much as himself. He needed the connection, if only for a second. “Lizzie, I know I didn’t give you a chance to explain the other night, and I’m sorry. It was a lot to deal with, and honestly, I’m not sure I’ve even begun to scratch the surface, but I need to understand it. I want to understand it.”
“What do you want to know?” she asked softly.
How you can be so close to me and make me feel so loved while you’re doing that for other guys to see? He shifted his eyes away and pushed his selfish thoughts to the side to focus on more important questions.
“How did you get started in all this, and why, when you have so much?”
She nodded again, narrowing her eyes as if she was remembering something painful. “Honestly, Blue, I don’t think any of what I have to say will make a difference if you’ve already decided that you don’t want to be with me.” She turned away.
“I haven’t made any decisions. How could I? I don’t have any information other than that you make these videos.” And I love you, and love doesn’t turn off like a light switch.
“Yes, I make videos.” She spun around with renewed energy—negative energy, aimed directly at him. “I make baking videos wearing nothing but an apron. I did it to make money because when I was in college my father got ill and my parents had to close down the inn for about six months, so we had no money. But I wanted to get my degree, because that’s what you do after high school. You go to college and do all the right things so you can have a good life.” She paced, her voice escalating. “I’ve always done the right thing. Always.”
“Lizzie, I didn’t mean—”
“No, Blue. You asked. Now let me explain, please.” She crossed her arms over her chest, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. “I took out loans and did all the things college students do, okay? But it wasn’t enough for me. I didn’t want to start my adult life strapped with loans and then spend the rest of my life working them off for ten bucks an hour. I wanted to own my own flower shop. Maybe that was selfish of me. I don’t know.”
“So you turned to making half-naked videos?” He hated that he couldn’t keep the distaste from his voice.
“Yes,” she said defiantly, arms crossed, eyes shooting daggers. “At first it was a joke. A girlfriend said we should do it and see if we could earn money that way. She said her brother made videos about gaming, walk-throughs or something, and he was earning a ton of money. I said no, but…I don’t know what happened. It was the end of the semester, and I had no idea how I was going to get money for next semester’s books and tuition. I was working in this rinky-dink flower shop on weekends and two evenings a week and barely making enough money for groceries. I’ve never eaten so many ramen noodles in my life.” She paced the kitchen. “But you wouldn’t know about that, Blue. You come from a wealthy family. You had your life mapped out for you. College was paid for, books, food. You’ve never had to figure that stuff out.”
“That’s not true.” Even as he said the words he knew every bit of what she’d said was true. He’d worked through college, but if he hadn’t, his parents would still have had enough money to send him and his siblings to college—to any school they’d wanted. “Okay, fine, that’s true, but that doesn’t mean I can’t understand where you’re coming from.”
She rolled her eyes and scoffed. “Oh, yes, it does. You’ve never looked into your future and wondered how you were going to make ends meet, or stared at a paper that said you owed fifty-seven thousand dollars for an education you got only to please your family.”
“Okay. I understand what you’re saying, why you needed money. But why this particular thing? I’m sure your friend’s brother didn’t wear nearly nothing on his videos. Why this? Why not just baking, or flower stuff, fully dressed?”
“Like that would earn any money? Come on, Blue. You’re not stupid. You know why.”
He blew out a frustrated breath. What did he want? To hear that it was all made up? That she didn’t do it? She couldn’t take it back. He didn’t know exactly what he wanted, or what he needed, but he knew he needed Lizzie.
“Am I the only one in the dark about this? I trusted you, Lizzie. I thought you were being honest with me. Honesty is all I ever asked for. What I can’t figure out is how you got Sky to keep it from me.” He crossed his arms over his chest, a barrier between him and the awful feeling of being made a fool of.