I don’t know why I’m telling Raph all of this. I’m almost just saying it to myself. He listens though, not saying a word as he sits there beside me.
“After my mom died, I felt like I was drifting from place to place. Lost. Like there was nowhere on Earth where I could possibly belong. I felt so different from everyone else around me. I could be in a room full of people and still feel like I was the only one there. Like even if I screamed at the top of my lungs, none of those people would hear.
“When Magnus showed up with this promise of a different life, I guess part of me was sucked in. Part of me hoped that it would be different. That the connection that I sometimes feel to the moon, the stars and the night isn’t just me being crazy.
“But I was wrong—I don’t have those powers, I’m not one of you. I don’t belong here. I think the saddest part is that all along, I’ve known that there was nothing for me to go back to Earth for. My life on Earth was utterly meaningless—I was nothing, no one. Those memories of my mom in that tin? It was all I had left.”
I get up then, brushing the sand off my jeans.
“Now it’s all gone. And now, I’m done,” I say.
“I’m so done.”
I’m almost at the path that leads up the side of the cliff back up to Sovereign Hall when Raph’s voice stops me.
“Don’t go.”
His words are quiet, but the night breeze carries them to me.
I turn slowly and find him walking towards me, the blue of his eyes so dark, that they are almost the same color as the night sky.
“What?” I ask, my voice barely a ragged whisper.
“I said, don’t go,” he repeats.
I stare at him in confusion.
“Don’t you get it? I said I’m done—you win.”
He lets out a long breath, and those uncanny eyes lock onto mine, looking into me, through me.
“I’m sorry for … everything. Everything that’s happened to you since you’ve stepped foot here. All of it is my fault.”
The apology floors me and I don’t even know what to think. I should tell him that I don’t believe him. I should tell him that the apology doesn’t matter, not after all he’s done. But those words don’t come out and I can only stand there in silence.
“I don’t know if I’ve lost my mind and I have no idea why I’m stopping you right now... But I want you to stay. I … need you to stay.”
I’m utterly baffled now as I look back at him and I have no words.
“What you said about not being able to use your powers? I can help you with that.”
I start to shake my head, but he’s going on.
“Please let me help you with that.”
I’m silent for a long moment as I look at that impossibly beautiful face. For the first time since I’ve met him, he looks … scared almost.
It feels like I’m standing on the precipice of something so profound, that if I let myself look over the edge and see, things would never be the same. I would never be the same.
I’m aware that I feel terrified in that moment, but something about the fragile look in those uncanny eyes strikes a chord inside me and if anyone were to ask me why I did what I do next, I know I won’t be able to explain.
“Okay,” I say quietly.
He holds his hand out to me and I take it and in that moment, it feels like we’re the only two people in the vastness of time and space.
16
As I stand on the rocky beach at an ungodly hour a few days later, I regret that I ever accepted Raph’s offer.
“God, when you said that you were going to help me with my powers, I didn’t expect you to be such a drill sergeant.”
He smirks at me in response.
“I have soccer practice every morning, so this is the only free time that I have in the mornings.”
“But it’s 5:00 a.m.” I groan.
“I know. Thanks for letting me know the time, but I have a watch for that.”
“You’re an asshole,” I grumble.
“A very kind and helpful asshole who is giving up his time to help you because I’m that amazing,” he replies, flashing that cocky smile.
He’s clearly a morning person because even at this ungodly hour, he looks devastatingly handsome in a grey t-shirt and black sweatpants. It figures, he is, after all, meant to be the bringer of day.
I, on the other hand, look like the walking dead.
He puts on his official training face as he fixes those bright blue eyes on me.
“We’ll do water again today.”
I’ve been working on summoning water for the last few sessions and I managed to make the shoreline swell on the first day, but it was hardly impressive. Nothing like Baron’s water tornado from that first elements class. I haven’t managed to do anything since.
Some part of me still thinks standing here with him is totally surreal. Only a few days ago we were at each other’s throats, trying to come up with new ways of torturing each other every other day and now here we are training together? It’s beyond weird. But I’m slowly getting used to it and to Raph’s special brand of arrogant charm. Now that I don’t hate him, as much, I’m actually starting to find his cockiness surprisingly entertaining. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I like it, though. He still irritates the hell out of me.
I’m not foolish enough to trust him. I keep expecting him to revert back to being that asshole who made my life on Eden a living hell. I keep thinking that this is some sick joke and I keep waiting for the punchline, but it doesn’t come.
I don’t expect Raph to notice the flicker of uncertainty in my eyes as the doubt eats away at me. But he does and he pauses mid-instruction, taking a step towards me as he studies my face. I feel unnerved, because he’s done this a few times now and it surprises me each time how perceptive he is. I’d always thought of him as a self-centered prick, who cares about nothing and no one but himself. Those uncanny blue eyes are surprisingly observant as they watch my expression in that moment and something inside me whispers that perhaps he’s always been watching.
“What’s up, Jaz?” he asks, his voice surprisingly gentle.
I shake my head slightly then.
“I keep thinking that any moment now you’re going to turn around and firebomb my ass or unleash whatever sick payback you have waiting for me next.”
His brow furrows and I think I must be imagining it, but Raph seems genuinely offended by that.
“You still don’t trust me,” he says flatly.
“Do you blame me?” I ask warily.
He lets out a long breath then.
“No. I promise you, Jaz, this isn’t some kind of sick payback. I offered to help you, so I’m here—helping you.”
I stare back at him, the confusion from that night on the beach when he floored me with that very offer, returns.
“Why are you doing this?” I ask. I don’t think I’ve even allowed myself to ask him this yet.
He looks away then, turning his gaze to look out at the crashing waves.
“I don’t know,” he replies honestly.
I don’t push him. Partly because I can see that he doesn’t have the answer himself and also because maybe I don’t want to know it.