“You can wake me up at anytime. You know that.” Her voice was loud again and I could hear TJ in the background mumbling something. “It’s Sally.” She whispered and I smiled as I heard her saying something to him, telling him to go back to sleep. “Hold on, Sally.”
“Okay.” I said and lay back in the bed, and closed my eyes. My heart felt heavy and I clutched the phone next to my ear as I pulled the covers up over my head. The room felt like it was spinning and I felt like I just wanted to never wake up again. I knew I shouldn’t feel so morbid, that my situation wasn’t the end of the world, but I just couldn’t stop from feeling sorry for myself.
“I’m back.” She said, her voice softer now. “What’s going on?”
“I can’t stop thinking about Cody.” I said, my voice sounding foreign to my own ears.
“Did something happen?” Mila sounded worried. “Did he say something stupid?”
“No, yes, no.” I sighed. “He left me a voicemail.”
“Hurtful?”
“No, it was really nice. It wasn’t anything, but it meant everything to me. He sounded really sincere.” My voice cracked.
“Oh? Is that a bad thing?”
“He’s always on my mind, Mila. When I heard his voicemail, I felt so happy. I felt on top of the world. I literally went from feeling despondent and down to flying. It’s not right that he should control my emotions this way. I’m just a nut job.” I groaned. “Why does he make me feel this way?”
“Because you love him.” She said softly and I groaned. “I’m sorry,” she continued. “I know how hard this is for you?”
“How can I stop loving him? I need to stop loving him. This is too hard. I don’t want to deal with this anymore, Mila. I can’t keep loving him. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even want to call him back? What’s the point, nothing ever changes. I’m always just chasing butterflies into the sky.”
“I don’t know.” She said softly. “I’m so sorry.”
“I think I need to cut him out of my life.” I said, as much to myself as to her. “I need to just forget him completely.”
“How are you going to do that?” She said, her words coming slowly. “He’s my brother.”
“I know.” I said and I could feel my heart racing again. Only this time, it was with anxiety. “I don’t know what else to do. This isn’t healthy for me.”
“So what about events that I have and invite you both to?”
“I won’t be able to go. I’m sorry, Mila, but I need to do this for me. You just don’t understand. I love him so much and I just can’t seem to give him up and I just can’t do this anymore.”
“Is this because of Luke?”
“Luke?” I sighed. “I don’t know. But no, not really. Yes, I like Luke. I think he’s handsome and really fun and for some reason he really likes me. And that makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I can be loved, but I also know that this isn’t our time. I can’t give him all of me and that’s not fair to him. I can’t do that to him just so I can get over Cody. It wouldn’t be fair.”
“Have you spoken to him?”
“No, I’m going to have lunch with him tomorrow. He deserves to know what’s going on and I want to be as honest with him as I can. Maybe in the future we can see if we have a chance, but right now I need to focus on me and healing my heart. I need to focus on my life and being emotionally healthy. I need to purge Cody from my system. I’m done with this.”
"So you've given up?" Mila’s voice sounded sadder than I’d ever heard it before, her tone showcasing the hurt in my heart.
"If you want to call it that." I sighed, not wanting her to make me feel worse about my decision.
"You don't love Cody anymore?"
"I don't know what I feel for him anymore. I mean yes I love him. I’ll always love him, but I don’t want to be in love with him. I want to completely forget him. I want to forget I ever met him. I would to rid him from my mind completely." I shook my head, though that wasn't completely honest. In my heart of hearts I knew. "Being around Luke has really made me realize how much Cody just isn’t into me. Luke is a good guy." I said, my voice suddenly getting loud. "He's a really good guy. And I like him and he likes me. And he makes me laugh. And he thinks I'm pretty. And he likes being with me. And he asks me on dates. And he texts me. And... ." My voice trailed off as I heard Mila breathing into the phone. "I need someone that wants me, Mila. I need someone that can love me. And I've thought about it. I've wondered if I'm being bad to Luke by dating him knowing I still have feelings for Cody, and that’s what I’m ending it with him. And I really like Luke. When I'm with him, I don't think of Cody. Well, not really. Only sometimes. And most of the time I'm okay. Sometimes I even think I could fall for Luke. Sometimes I even think I could love him. Not like I love Cody, at least that’s how I feel now. And do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel like I’m never going to find love. You ask me if I still love Cody like it’s that easy. Like that makes my decision easier. The problem is because I love Cody so much. The problem is that he’s my entire world and I’m nothing to him."