“Sally, it’s me Cody. Call me back. We need to talk.” I said and then hung up. I groaned as I hung up. My voice had sounded accusatory and my message had been too short. If she listened to this message she was unlikely to call me back. So I decided to call her back and leave one more message. It might make me look like a psycho, but it was better than me looking like a jerk. I called back one more time and this time the phone rang. My heart stilled as I waited to see if she was going to pick up the phone. My heart fell pretty quickly as it went to voicemail again. I cleared my throat and started to leave my new message.
“Hi Sally, it’s me Cody. I hope you’re doing well. I’m sorry about the other day. I’m sorry we got so angry at each other. I’d really like to talk to you to see if we can figure this out. Please call me back. I’d love to see you as soon as possible. I miss you.” I pressed the pound sign this time instead of hanging up so that I could listen again to the message to see how it sounded and if I wanted to change it before submitting it to her ears. I figured I sounded like a bit of a *, but sincere enough, so I left it as well and accepted the message. All I had to do was wait now. Wait for her to call me back. Wait for her to tell me that she was willing to see me. Wait for her to tell me exactly what she wanted. I sat back on the couch and closed my eyes, hoping that I didn’t have to wait too long.
Chapter 18
Sally
There's a feeling at the end, when you know it's the end. It's a feeling of despair, of hurt, of knowing that there's nothing you can do to change your fate. It's the feeling of knowing that you will never be enough. Knowing that no part of you will ever be enough and it's heartbreaking. It makes you wonder, "What's wrong with me?" "Why am I not lovable?" "Why am I not enough?" It's the moment that makes you want to not be alive. It's the moment when you give up all hope. It's the moment you know you will never be pretty enough, smart enough, happy enough, rich enough. It's the moment that you doubt everything you ever believed. Sometimes I wonder how I got to such a low spot. It's the moment I wondered why me? It's the moment I just wanted to fade into oblivion. We grow up believing that one day our fairy tale will come true, but what if that's never the case? What if we're destined to be alone? What if we're not lovable? What if there is something wrong with us? Even though we try to be the best person we can be. What if, above everything else, we are just never destined to find love or have happiness? Life should mean more than having a partner. It should mean more than loving and being loved. But what if that's all you ever wanted? What if all you ever wanted was for someone to look at you with adoration in their eyes? What if you all you ever wanted was to feel that someone understood you? Cared about you? Loved you? What if all you ever wanted was to be enough?
It's hard not feeling enough. It's hard feeling that there is something lacking in you. Knowing there is something you will never ever have. Something that you see everyone else has but you. I just don't understand. Why not me? I don't understand what's wrong with me? What can I change? What can I do? What can I feel? What can I say? Can I be skinnier? How can I be prettier? How can I be more desirable? How can I get smarter? What can I do? If only I knew. If only I knew. If I only I knew why Cody didn’t love me. If only I knew why he didn’t care. Why he didn’t understand. Why he didn’t want to be with me. But I didn’t. I couldn’t understand why I could love him so much and he could be so oblivious. I could spend my life trying to figure it out and yet, I would never understand. There’s a voice in my head that screams and shouts at me. A voice that wonders why I can’t just seem to let it go. It’s a voice that hates me being me. It hates me feeling like this. Sometimes I wonder if I have a split personality. Sometimes I wonder if I have serious mental issues. Any sane person, any normal person would have moved on by now. They would have gotten the memo. I got the memo, several times, and ripped it to pieces. I deserve the heartache I feel. I deserve not feeling good enough. I deserve it for constantly putting myself in this position. And though I deserve it, it doesn’t stop me from shedding tears for myself. It doesn’t stop it from hurting. If only I could figure out a way to stop the hurt and pain.
* * *
“I can’t breathe.” I whispered over the phone to Mila as soon as she answered. I was sobbing, but trying to mask my voice, so I was talking as low as possible.
“What?” She said loudly. “Are you sick?”
“No, maybe. I don’t know.” Tears were streaming down my face and I took a deep breath. “I just can’t breathe.”
“What’s going on, Sally?” Mila sounded worried and I could hear her yawning.
“Sorry for waking you up.” I said, feeling guilty. “Cody left me some messages. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”