Hey Sally, I want to apologize for the other night and leaving so abruptly. I know you might be confused and I know I still owe you ice cream. I want to explain myself and I don't want you to think I'm crazy. I really like you; yes I know this is early to say this. I really feel a strong connection to you and the other night I had an overwhelming urge to kiss you and touch you. I left because I didn't want you to think I was all about sex. I didn't want to be that guy that can't keep his hands off of you. And I didn't know bow to explain that without seeming like a weirdo. I'd really like to see where this goes. I know this is a really long text and I'd love to be able to see you and talk it all out in person, if you have time and still want to see me. Let me know!
I stared at my phone screen and I could feel my stomach churning. I bit down on my lower lip as I read his text yet another time. I was confused at the happy thoughts going through my head. I was happy that Luke had text me and at what he'd said. A part of me was really happy, really excited. He had said all the words I'd wanted to hear from a guy. He valued and liked me. And he respected me to not just be all about my body. Unlike Cody flashed through my mind. Cody was all about the sex. He didn't seem to care that it was making a complicated situation even more complicated. He didn't care that we had this weird connection that we weren't really getting to the bottom to. Yeah, he'd said he liked me, but that was like the weakest thing he could have said in the situation. What did him liking me really mean? It was almost as if he'd said it just to get me into bed. Once I'd said yes, all over talk had been off the table. I wanted to bang my head against a wall. I was so confused and frustrated with myself. And now I was even starting to doubt my feelings for Cody. If I loved him so much, how could I be so happy at Luke's text? How could I be feeling that maybe I should give Luke another chance? How could I be wondering if sleeping with Cody again had been the biggest mistake in my life? I knew that l loved him. I loved him so much that my heart hurt just thinking about not being with him, but I also knew that I liked Luke. Like really liked him. I was attracted to him. He made me laugh. He made me smile. When I was with him, I rarely thought of Cody. A part of me knew that I could be happy with him. A part of me wondered if I could even love him if I let go of Cody and that scared the shit out of the other part of me. I'd always lived my life with the philosophy that people had one true love, but if Cody wasn't the one, then maybe that wasn't true. I also knew that if I wanted to move on with Luke, I'd have to cut Cody off completely. I'd have to have him out of my life. I couldn't move on from him if I saw him and talked to him every day. I couldn't let go of him if I still had him in my soul. And the thought of never seeing him, not talking to him. Never touching again scared the shit out of me. It made me feel like I wanted to die. But the possibility of losing him but gaining the opportunity to fly always beckoned too brightly.
I didn't even know how to respond to Luke. I knew my response would signal something to him and I wasn't sure it was fair to make him believe I wanted the same thing if I was still committed to Cody. Also, I didn't know if it was right to enter a relationship with him to get over someone else? It all seemed so murky and the last thing I wanted to do was to hurt him. I liked him too much.
"Hey, you're up." Cody walked into the room and I jumped up in surprise, as I hadn't even noticed him coming. I hadn't even heard him. My heart thudded in the way it always did when I saw him, I couldn't stop the love from flowing. I couldn't stop myself from lighting up.
"Yeah, how was the game?" I asked him softly, pushing my phone under my back.
"Still on, not sure who's going to win, do that's always a good game."
"Oh cool." I nodded, not really sure what to say. I felt tongue-tied. And awkward.
"Not really." He smiled and walked towards the bed. "Are you hungry?"
"I'm okay, thanks." I shook my head.
"Sore?"
"A bit." I nodded and gave him a weak smile. Something felt off and I knew it was all inside of me, but I didn't know what to do about it. I just wanted to cry. I could feel it inside of me, welling up. I could feel the pain inside of me wanting to come out. I wanted to cry. I wanted to sob for the heartbreak and misery I still felt. I was maybe even more miserable than before because a part of me felt used and another part of me felt like I'd screwed myself over. Sleeping with Cody had brought him closer to my heart, but emotionally I felt like we were still nowhere. We were still nothing.
"Need anything?" He asked me softly as he sat down on the side of the bed and kissed me on the cheek.
"No, I'm okay, thanks." I pretended to yawn and closed my eyes.