I hate first dates. I hate having nerves. I hate the feeling of not knowing what the guy will think of me. I hate not having confidence now. I’m not really sure when or how I lost it. I think I lost it at some point around the time I realized that I was in love with Cody and that he didn’t feel the same way about me. It took the wind out of my sails and I’ve never really recovered from that. I’ve never gotten back that hopeful innocence and self-esteem. In fact, most times now I wish I could change who I was. That’s what loving Cody has done to me. It’s made me wish I could change and be the woman he would fall in love with. I wish I could mold myself into the woman he wants. I’d change everything I had to change for him to want me. I know that sounds pitiful. I know it’s weak, but that’s how much I love him. I’d change any and everything: my looks, my personality, my likes, everything. I know that’s not healthy. I know that’s not love. I know I have a problem. Some deep, dark emotional issues that I should fix. But how can I fix it? Fixing it would mean not loving Cody. It would mean acknowledging that it’s never going to happen. That’s hard, but I’m going to try. Mila thinks I’m going on these dates to make Cody jealous. She thinks that I’m still going for his heart. But that’s not completely true. While it’s true that I still love him and want him with every part of me, I also want to let him go. I don’t want to play these games. I don’t want to be his best friend. I don’t want to wake up at 3 am anymore in a dead panic. I don’t want to feel like I’m not in control. It’s a helpless feeling. A mind-numbing crazy, crazy feeling. It’s a feeling of emptiness that I’ve never experienced before. My whole life is on edge. And I hate it. So that’s why I’m really going on the date. I want to meet someone else. And that’s why I’m willing to suck up my fear. Any pain or rejection I feel will be nothing compared to what I’ve already experienced with Cody. Rejection is a bitch. And if Luke doesn’t like me it will sting, but not as much as the pain resonating through me at what Cody has done to me. Mila thinks I’m dating as a way to win Cody, but I know that I’m dating as a way to move on. I want to find someone who can love me in the way I want to be loved. I deserve that and I know I deserve it, but I also know getting to that part is going to suck.
I checked my face in my car mirror one more time, reapplied some lipstick and jumped out, smoothing out my dress and tucking my hair back behind my ear. I took a deep breath and hurried toward the coffee shop where I was going to meet Luke. I was surprised that my eyes looked clear ager all of my earlier crying. I felt a bit weird to be going on a first date the same day I’d slept with someone else, but I was just going to pretend that Cody and I had never hooked up. I was not going to let him ruin my date with Luke.
I walked in hesitantly, surprisingly not feeling as many nerves as I thought I would. I looked around and immediately I saw him on a couch, a huge smile on his face as he jumped up.
“Hi, Sally?” He said as he walked towards me all six feet and two inches of him looking devastatingly handsome. I looked at him in surprise. He was much better looking than his photos and his warm smile made me feel super happy. He made me feel like he was excited to see me. And that was something I hadn’t felt from a guy in a while.
“Yes, Luke?” I smiled at him and his big brown eyes glanced into mine with such a caring look that I felt a part of me relax in a carefree way.
“That’s me.” He reached his hand out, then looked at me, shook his head and gave me a small smile. “Would it be awkward if I hugged you?” He made a little face, but still leaned in to hug me. I hugged him back, enjoying the warmth of his body next to mine. “Or rather, can I hug you?”
“Not awkward and sure.” I laughed as he released me and he gave me a bashful grin.
“I suppose I should have asked you and then waited for your answer first.” He shook his head in a self-deprecating way and I just smiled. “Would you like a drink? Tea, coffee, hot chocolate?” He waves his arms around. “Anything you want?”
“Anything I want?” I leaned and tilted my head to the side. “What if I want a lemon drop with gold flakes?”
“Then I’m in trouble.” He grinned back at me and we both laughed. I was surprised by how at ease I felt with him. “Maybe a lemonade with brown sugar that we pretended was gold?”
“That could work, I suppose.” I smiled back at him.
“Thanks for meeting me here before the movie by the way. I know I changed the plans slightly and I feel bad, but I thought that dinner might be better after the movie.” He grinned bashfully. “If you still want to hang out with me by then.”
“Ha-ha, no worries. I’m flexible.” I said. “I’m excited to see the movie.”
“I hope you enjoy it. I realized that maybe it’s not the best first date.” He made a face. “Sorry. I guess I’m not a good dater.”
“It’s fine.” I laughed. “I’m not a good dater either, so I guess we’re in good company.”
“I guess I got lucky then.” He gave me a lopsided smile and once again his brown eyes looked into mine warmly.
“Oh?”
“To find someone I’m so compatible with.” He said and then ran his hands through his dark locks. “Now let’s get you a drink.”
“Sure, thanks.” I nodded and followed him to the line. I stared up at the menu and looked at my options.
“Know what you want? I recommend their vanilla lattes.” He said after a minute or so.
“Sure, I’ll try that.” I smiled at him.
“Want to share a blueberry muffin as well?” He asked with a hopeful smile and I just grinned as I nodded. He placed the order and we walked over to the table in the corner that he’d saved for us. “I hope this is okay.” He said as he waited for me to sit. “Sorry, I don’t know why I’m so nervous. Actually I do,” He grinned at me. “When I saw your profile online I was shocked to find someone as cool as you and now meeting you in person has me wondering if I’m in a dream or something.”
“Really why?” I asked him in surprise as I sat down and sipped on my vanilla latte, which was indeed delicious.
“Because you’re even prettier in person, but more than that. You have a really sweet aura about you. Does that sound weird?” He made a face. “Do I sound like some crazy hippy new age person?”
“No, that sounds nice. Thank you. I think you have a cool aura yourself.” I grinned at him and he laughed.
“So Sally, tell me about you.” He leaned forward.
“What do you want to know?” I smiled at him, feeling really and truly happy for the first time in what seemed like forever.
“Cats or dogs?”
“Dogs, definitely dogs.”
“Me too.” He grinned. “Tea or coffee.”
“Coffee baby.” I laughed.
“Sweet or savory?”
“Ooh. That’s a hard one. Depends on the day, but I like both, a lot.” I laughed.
“Cupcakes or cookies?”
“Cupcakes, you?”
“Cookies.” He grinned. “I’m an enigma.”
‘Oh?”
“My favorite cookie is oatmeal raisin.” He laughed. “My sister says I’m a weirdo.”
“Oatmeal raisin cookies aren’t bad.” I grinned. “My favorite cupcakes are red velvet.”