“I just needed you to know what I could give you, too,” I said, knowing I’d been selfish. “I needed you to know what it felt like to have me inside of you. Maybe I wanted to ensure that tonight, at least, you wouldn’t be fucking anyone else.”
“I’m going to go now, Cody.” Sally’s voice sounded distant. “You’re too confusing and I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to go.” She pulled away from me and I watched as she walked to the bedroom door and unlocked it and walked out. I stood there, even as I heard her calling out to Mila and TJ that she was leaving. I remained standing there, even as I heard her opening the front door and exiting the apartment. I stood there until TJ came into the room and looked at me with narrowed eyes.
“What did you do?” he asked me with a frown and all I could do was shake my head. I had no idea what I’d just done, but I knew deep inside that I felt awful about it.
Chapter 14
Sally
There’s a moment when your heart stops. Sometimes it’s in happiness and sometimes it’s in pain. The painful moment, that’s the moment I hate the most. I call this moment, the moment before living death. It’s the point where you think you won’t be able to go on. I’ve experienced that moment several times now. Every time Cody gave me a look and then turned away without really looking at me. Every time I hoped he would tell me he loved me, but he talked about another girl. Every time I think of him with someone else. That moment makes me want to die. The pain is so sharp, so deep, that I can feel my entire body succumbing to some unknown pain that pierces my soul. I can literally feel a piece of my soul leaving me every time he gazes away from me. Those moments were fleeting. Up until now. Now, the moment was embedded in me. Now, the pain of near death was ingrained in my soul. I ran out of Mila’s house with my entire body shaking. I was still high from Cody making love to me. I could still feel his kisses as he entered me. I could still feel the excitement and hope in my veins. The hope that had been living in me for years. The hope that he had just extinguished by telling me he still wanted me to go on the date with Luke. He hadn’t slept with me because he wanted me all to himself. He hadn’t slept with me because he couldn’t stand me going out with Luke. He had slept with me because he didn’t want sloppy seconds. He wanted to fuck me. As he’d said so crudely. And that was it. He’d taken what he’d wanted and discarded me. Told me to move on to the next guy. And yet, still somewhere inside of me, there was still hope. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe I was such a fool. How could I be such a fool? After everything. After leaving Mila’s in a panic, almost in tears, hating him with all my heart. Even when I said I was done. It was still there, I could feel it in the bottom of my soul. The hope was going to murder me in the night.
The hope is too much. It kills me, slays me in the middle of the night when I’m lying there. Thinking of and rehearing our entire conversations from the day. I’d think about our texts, our calls, every little thing he’d said to me or hadn’t said to me. Over and over again. I just don’t understand how I can feel something so deep and strong. I can’t fathom how my heart and soul can carry such love when there is nothing being given back to me.