I wanted to be here with her. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted us to laugh together. I wanted everything to be normal again. If I was honest, I certainly didn’t want to hear about Luke. I didn’t want to hear about her laughing, thinking, feeling, touching another guy. I didn’t analyze why I didn’t want to hear about it. It didn’t matter. It was most probably a gut reaction, some sort of alpha chemical bullshit that made me feel things I didn’t really feel. I just had to keep reminding myself of that fact. I did not love Sally. I did not want to date Sally. We were not compatible. A relationship between the two of us would never work. It would never be anything more than sex for me and she was ultimately worth more than that. She was a good person. She deserved the best. She deserved a real love. She deserved to have the best part of someone. And I couldn’t allow my temporary jealousy to ruin that for her. I had to not be selfish. I had to be a good friend. I had to show her I could be a good friend. I needed her to forgive me. I needed to be back in her life. I needed her to give me that smile that only she gave me. That feeling that warmed me inside. She’d make a good girlfriend. I knew that. She needed someone who could give her back that same devotion.
Sometimes I wished I could be that man, to give her that. Sometimes I thought that perhaps I could be that man. On good days when the sun was shining and everything was right in my world, I thought I could be the knight in shining armor. I thought perhaps maybe I should ignore the inner voice and just go with my feelings, but then I thought to myself, what would I say? What would I do? What did I really feel? I knew that I didn’t really appreciate the feelings she made me feel inside. They made me uncomfortable. And I wasn’t sure if the feelings she made me feel inside were due to her ignoring me. What if everything went back to normal and I didn’t care so much anymore? Everything about this situation made me uncomfortable and while sometimes I appreciated being taken out of my comfort zone, for the most part I didn’t. I didn’t like the way she made me feel. I didn’t like the up’s and down’s of being around her. I liked to be even keeled. I liked just feeling good and she didn’t always make me feel good. I couldn’t explain it. I’d never had someone make me feel so happy from just laughing at my jokes. It was a weird experience, to feel. To be so influenced by someone else’s reactions to me. I didn’t know why I cared. It was just Sally. And yet, here I sat, wondering what she was thinking and feeling and when she’d look at me and give me that smile that let me know everything between us was okay again.
“So what do you think Cody?” Mila asked me and I looked up in confusion.
“Think about what?” I blinked. I could see Sally’s eyes on me, a weird expression on her face as they both gazed at me.
“What Luke said to Sally.” Mila sighed in exacerbation. “Do you think that means he’s into her or do you think that he’s just playing with her? I mean I think it’s fairly obvious that he’s into her.”
“Sorry what?” I blinked, annoyed that the Luke conversation was still going on, even though I had obviously spaced out. Why couldn’t girls talk about anything other than guys?
“Do you think Luke likes Sally?” Mila asked again spacing out her words slowly, annunciating each syllable annoyingly.
“How the fuck am I supposed to know?” I said, letting my frustrations out as I replied. I could see Sally’s eyes widening as Mila glared at me.
“You’re such an asshole, Cody, If you’d been listening to what I’d just been saying instead of daydreaming about heaven knows what.”
“Shut up, Mila.” I glared at her. Then I looked over at Sally. “Look, if he asks you out again, that’s a pretty good indication that he likes you.” I paused and cleared my throat. “Unless of course you have already had sex with him.” I stared her down, trying to see if I could tell from her reaction if she’d slept with him. My body felt tense as I tried to figure it out.
“Cody!” Mila shouted at me. “What are you trying to say?”
“I’m just saying that if Sally already gave the milk away for free, he may not be interested in buying the cow.”
“You’re such an asshole.” Mila looked at me with such a venomous glare that I almost burst out laughing.
“What? You wanted a guy’s perspective, right?” I glared back at her. “Isn’t that why I’m here and TJ was smart enough to have alternate plans?” I raised an eyebrow at the two women, not even caring that I was being deliberately offensive and annoying. Had she slept with him or not?
“TJ had to work, something you rarely do.” Mila responded. “And you didn’t come to dish out any guy advice, you came for free food, so stop acting like you’re some sort of god or hero or advice uncle because we asked you one question. You didn’t even listen to what we were saying, so you officially suck in that role anyway.”
“Fine!” I put my hands up and sighed. “I’m listening. Tell me the story. What the fuck did Frank say to Sally that has her knickers in a twist?” I didn’t even hide my annoyance.
“His name is Luke.” Mila rolled her eyes.
“And my knickers aren’t in a twist. Sally responded, her face looking slightly bewildered, though I don’t know why she was confused, she’s been around Mila and I arguing for years. This was nothing new. Unless of course, she had a reason to believe that she knew why I was so agitated. Something in me froze as I thought about her realizing that perhaps there was more going on here. Was she realizing that perhaps I had feelings for her? I shook my head slightly at the thought, how could she know? I didn’t even know what sort of feelings I had for her. And if anything, she was bewildered by the fact that I was even sitting here, listening to their girl talk in the first place.
“Just tell me the story again.” I rolled my eyes impatiently. “What did Frank, I mean Luke say that has you wondering if he’s a good guy or not?”
“I don’t know if I should bother repeating the story now.” Mila said with a glare.