“It’s not his fault—it’s mine.”
She gave me an incredulous look. “Audrey, do you have any idea how crazy that sounds? People get dumped all the time, and it sucks, but you know what you do? You cry; you smash a few plates; you go to a karaoke bar and make a fool of yourself. However you choose to deal with it, it’s your shit to handle. It’s your burden to carry. You don’t drag other people down with you. You don’t turn up on the doorstep in the middle of the night acting like a raving lunatic.”
I began crying again, holding my head in my hands. “I shouldn’t have disappeared like that last week.”
“It was a shitty thing for you to do; I won’t deny it. I would have been livid if Freddy had done the same to me. But it still doesn’t justify Duck’s behavior last night. He had every right to be angry, but not like that.”
“What if he comes back again?”
“I don’t know.”
There was a knock at the door. Lucy and I looked at each other, and we cautiously went to the front door. “It’s Duck’s mum,” said Lucy, peeking through the front curtain. We opened the door.
“Hi, Zoe,” I said.
“Audrey, Lucy, can I come in?”
I nodded and closed the door as we headed to the kitchen.
“Want a coffee?” asked Lucy.
“No, thanks, it looks like you girls have been up all night. Why don’t you have a seat? I’ll make you both coffee.” She busied herself in the kitchen, and Lucy and I sat back down. Zoe set our coffee on the kitchen table, then sat down across from me. She reached out and took my hand. “I’m sorry about last night, Audrey,” she said with a frown. Tears began welling up in my eyes again. She gave my hand a squeeze. “Now, I don’t want you blaming yourself in any way, you hear. Duck knows full well he was in the wrong.”
“Zoe’s right, Audrey.” Lucy handed me a box of tissues. “It’s not your fault.”
I nodded, tears streaming down my cheeks.
“I should have been paying more attention,” said Zoe. “I thought he was fine, but I guess I was way off the mark.”
“He knows how much I still care about him, doesn’t he?”
“Of course he does, Audrey. The two of you go way back. That’s something that never goes away.”
My lips trembled, and fresh tears spilled down. “No,” I whispered. “Never.”
She smiled at me. “I’m sure you’ll be the best of friends again—in time.”
“I hope so,” I said as Lucy put her arm around my shoulder.
“Now, I had a trip planned to see Duck’s grandma in Europe,” said Zoe. “I’m going to take Duck with me too. The change in scenery will do him good.”
“When are you leaving?”
“Next week and we’ll be away for a while, so it will give you both some breathing space.”
“Okay,” I said softly. “Please take care of him.”
“You know I will.” She reached over and squeezed my arm. “Now—I have a million things to do before the trip, so I’d better get going.” She got up, slinging her handbag over her shoulder. “You girls take care.”
Twenty
Although a good amount of time had passed since Duck and I broke up, Rad and I had agreed to take things one day at a time. So this was my first visit to Rad’s apartment, and I was browsing through the books on his shelf. His place was tiny but cozy. It looked exactly how I had pictured it—messy in a way that was inviting—and I could see myself padding around in my pajamas with a cereal bowl in hand. Best of all, it was three floors above a French-style café, and the delicious smell of freshly baked croissants occasionally wafted in from the open window.
“Hey, I remember these,” I said, spying a Choose Your Own Adventure book among a sea of science fiction titles and tattered paperbacks. I picked it up, running my fingers across the cover. “Inside UFO 54-40. Is this one any good?”
“Well, it’s a strange book,” said Rad. “Like, the goal is to get to Ultima—it’s meant to be some kind of paradise, a nirvana or whatever. When I read it as a kid, I couldn’t get to Ultima no matter what choices I made throughout the book. But it was right there, in front of me.” He took the book from me and flipped through until he found the page he was looking for. “That’s Ultima.” There was an illustration of a futuristic cityscape surrounded by mountain greenery and piercing rays of sunlight.
“Why couldn’t you get there?” I asked.
“That’s what I was trying to work out as a kid. I got so obsessed that my mother had to take the book away from me at one point. Years later, I came across a thread about it on a forum. As it turns out, I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t get to Ultima. I followed a link someone posted to a wiki and learned there is actually no legitimate way to get to there. The author was a sadist.”
“What a cruel thing to do to children.”
“Tell me about it.” Rad closed the book and passed it to me. “You can give it a try if you want.”
“No, thanks, I’m not really into sadomasochism.”
“You’re not? Well, that’s definitely a deal-breaker for me.”
I laughed, tracing the spine of his books with my fingers. They felt vibrant and alive, like they carried parts of his DNA. My hand hit something cold on the middle shelf, and I craned my neck to get a closer look. A thin metal box was wedged between a copy of Slaughterhouse-Five and The Dogs of Winter. Curious, I took it out. “Office-Home, Deed Box” was printed in the top left corner in faded, dull gold. In the center was a silver lock. “What’s this?” I asked.
“It’s nothing important,” said Rad, taking it from my hands. “Just my old Garbage Pail Kids collection. I lost the key years ago.” He put the box down on the shelf and ran a hand through my hair. “I can’t believe you’re actually standing here, in my apartment. You have no idea how many times when we were out somewhere and you’d be laughing or biting your lip and I’d wish I could take you home.” He kissed me, softly at first, then his kisses grew more urgent. His hand traveled up along my thigh, past the hem of my skirt, brushing the elastic of my underwear and sending a shot of adrenaline through my body.
His eyes met mine and I silently willed him to go further. But he stopped and gently drew his hand away. “We’re meant to be taking it slow . . . remember?”
“It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be,” I sighed.
“You’re telling me,” he laughed.
We broke away from each other reluctantly.
“Come on,” I said. “Let’s go out.”
We met Lucy and Freddy at Luna Park in Lavender Bay. It was a beautiful, clear night. Summer was edging its way closer, and I felt a sense of magic permeate the warm cotton candy air. Rad and I walked hand in hand, absorbing the carnival atmosphere and the pretty lights that dotted the promenade.
“We were here for your tenth birthday party, Audrey. Remember?” asked Lucy.
“Yeah. Candela was throwing popcorn from the Ferris wheel.”