“The truth is I want the world for you, Audrey. I want you to do all the things you ever wanted to do, without me there to stop you.”
It was a complete one-eighty turnaround from yesterday. I expected him to be angry, to call me names or throw more accusations at me. God knows I deserved it. But he was acting so reasonable, so selfless. I knew I should have been glad, but something about his attitude was irking me.
“Is this you talking, Duck? Because it sounds like one of your self-help books.” I didn’t mean for my words to come out so harshly, and for a moment he looked stung.
“This is me talking, Audrey. I mean everything that I’ve said.”
“Okay, fine.”
“What’s the matter? I thought this is what you wanted.”
“It is.”
He smiled at me. “We can still be friends, can’t we?”
“Of course we can, Duck.”
Nineteen
“Did I ever tell you that Rad has heterochromia?” I was bringing Ida up to speed about the last few weeks since my breakup with Duck as we sat facing each other across her desk.
“No, I don’t think you’ve mentioned it.”
“His eyes are so beautiful. One is a stormy gray, the other a summer blue. That’s how tornadoes are formed, you know. When dark, brooding thunderclouds come into contact with sun-drenched skies.”
Ida nodded. “Yes, that’s exactly right.”
“I feel like ever since he’s come back into my life, everything has gone haywire. I’m wearing my rubber band again.”
“I noticed.” Her eyes glanced at my left wrist with the thin band of rubber peeking out from under the sleeve of my sweater.
“I feel anxious all the time, like everything is spinning out of control. But I can’t seem to stay away.”
“Are you still seeing him?”
“Not since that night we went up to Newport. But I think about him all the time, and that isn’t right, is it? I’ve just broken up with Duck, whom I’ve been with since I was a kid. He has been nothing but wonderful to me, and all I can think about is Rad. I feel really shitty about that, but I can’t help it.”
Ida leaned back in her chair and sighed. “Our emotions pull us in different directions. The stronger the emotion, the greater the pull. Feelings are not always practical, nor do they make any logical sense. That’s just the way it goes.”
“I’ve been worried about Duck. He deleted his Facebook yesterday, and I haven’t been able to get in touch with him since.”
“Does he have someone to talk to?”
“His family is great, especially his mum. She’s fantastic, and Freddy has been keeping him company over the last few days. But I think I should see him. I’ve been avoiding it because then I’d be obligated to see my mother too.”
“I take it that she isn’t happy with the breakup?”
“No. She was hysterical when she called me. I haven’t spoken to her since either. Do you think I should go and see her?”
Ida nodded. “I think that might be a good idea.”
After I left Ida’s office, I caught the bus to Duck’s place. I walked the familiar pathway up through the garden, a lump rising in my throat. Memories came to life around me like a ghostly matinee. Duck and I had spent so much time here, and I couldn’t take a step without bumping into some fragment of our history.
“Oh, Audrey,” said Zoe, when she came to the door. She opened her arms, and I fell into them. Suddenly, I was a little girl again with a scraped knee, craving the kind of comfort my mother did not know how to give. Tears fought their way through my shut eyelids and trickled down my cheeks.
“Come in, sweetie,” she said. I walked into the hallway and noticed at once the empty space on the wall where that dreadful picture of Duck and I had hung.
“You took the picture down.”
“I’m sorry,” said Zoe, her hand rubbing gently at my back. “Duck took it down just yesterday.”
“Can I have it?”
“Of course you can.”
“Thank you.” My voice was barely a whisper.
She led me down the hallway and into the neat, sunny lounge room. We sat down on her brown leather sofa.
“How is he?” I asked as she handed me a box of tissues. I took one and blew my nose.
“He’s doing really well, actually, which is surprising. He’s philosophical about it all.” She reached over and took my hand, peering at me with a worried look on her face. “How are you, darling?”
I shrugged. “I’m okay, I guess. I’m more worried about Duck. I tried to call him today, but his phone is disconnected.”
Zoe frowned. “It is?”
I nodded. “And he deleted his Facebook page too.”
She sighed. “I’ll have a talk with him. I’m sure he just needs some time to process everything. It must have been a shock.”
“I know.” I looked down at my hands. “Do you know where he is now?”
She shook her head. “He left early this morning, and he hasn’t been back since.”
“Oh.”
She must have read the expression on my face because she put her hand on my arm and said, “He’ll be okay, Audrey. He just needs time. You both do.”
“I just wish—” I shook my head, and tears welled up in my eyes again.
“I know. But these things are bound to happen. You know, I was madly in love with someone once, and I was heartbroken when we broke up. But I’m glad it happened, because then I never would have met Duck’s dad. Things have a way of working themselves out in the end.”
“I guess you’re right.”
“Of course I am.” She reached over and gave me a brief hug. She smoothed my hair away from my face and said, “You should go and see your mother. She’s worried about you.”
When I left Duck’s place, I walked up the street to my mother’s house. She was in the front yard, dressed in her gardening gear, tending to her roses.
“Hey, Mum,” I said.
She looked up. “Audrey, what are you doing here?”
“I just went to see Zoe.”
“I see.” She went back to her roses.
“Mum,” I said.
She stopped.
“I’m sorry I hung up on you and for what I said. It happened a long time ago, and I know it’s wrong for me to keep bringing it up.”
She stood up to face me, pruning shears in her hand. It looked like she had been crying. “I’ve never been good at playing the housewife, Audrey. Some of us aren’t made that way. I love your dad. Not a day goes by where I’m not thankful for his patience and his forgiveness. But I’m a stranger in my own life. Do you understand?”