“What are you doing?” I screamed, backing away from him.
His eyes were wild, and he was breathing hard. We stood facing each other, unsure of where to go next. We had never been here before.
After what seemed like an eternity, his expression changed from fury to despair.
“I don’t know who the hell you are anymore.”
I felt all the adrenalin leave my body in a rush. “Maybe you never did in the first place.”
“Don’t say that, Audrey.”
After a few moments, he went back to the kitchen and pulled out a dustpan and broom from the cupboard. Without saying a word, he began sweeping up the broken glass.
I walked over to him, my vision blurred with tears. “Duck, don’t,” I sobbed, putting my hand on his shoulder. “Leave it.”
He turned to face me. There were tears in his eyes now too. “This is it, isn’t it? We’re breaking up.”
I nodded.
“But—you and me, we’re meant to be rock solid, right? I always thought if nothing else worked out in my life, I’d still have you.”
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered.
“Oh God,” he said, his voice choked up with tears. “Oh God.”
He let go of the broom and pulled me into his arms. “I love you,” he whispered, into my ear. “I can’t remember a time when I didn’t.” He pulled away from me gently and took my hand in his, running his thumb over my ring finger. “You know, I’ve always wondered about your ring size.”
I completely broke down then, sobbing and clutching at his shirt. My heart was clenching like a fist in my chest. I had no idea it would hurt this much. My mind went back through the years like a person dying. I thought of Duck waving to me from his deck, summers at his parents’ lake house, jumping into the water from the pier, our laughter ringing through the air. Sitting for hours on the lawn, the sun on our faces. Chasing the ice cream truck down our street. The first time we made love, when I was so certain this was the person I would spend my whole life with. I looked back on all of that with new tenderness as it was disintegrating before me.
“I can’t do this,” Duck said, pulling away from me suddenly. “I’ve got to get out of here.”
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are you going to be okay?”
“How can you ask me that?” I could see the anger flash into his eyes again.
“I’m sorry.”
He shook his head. “I wish I could hate you right now; I really do.”
“Duck—” I said, reaching out for him.
“Don’t.” He brushed my hand away roughly and pushed past me. Moments later, the house shook with the sound of the door slamming.
Lucy came home later to find me balled up on the couch.
“Audrey,” she said, approaching me tentatively, “are you okay?”
I looked up at her, my eyes aching from the effort.
“Duck and I broke up.”
“Oh, sweetie,” she said, sitting down beside me. She pulled me into her arms, and I cried softly against her shoulder.
“Is Duck okay?”
“No.”
“Poor Duck.”
I put my head into her lap and lay there, feeling almost catatonic. “I didn’t know it could hurt this much. Honestly, I didn’t.”
Lucy stroked my hair. “Do you want me to do anything? I can get Freddy to check on Duck.”
“Okay, thanks, Lucy.”
My phone had been charging on the coffee table, and now it rang suddenly. I reached for it quickly, hoping it was Duck. My heart dropped when my mother’s name came up on the screen.
“Shit, this is the last thing I need.”
I let the phone ring out, but later it started up again. I sighed and picked it up.
“Hi, Mum.”
“What the hell is happening, Audrey? I just got off the phone with Zoe. She said you and Duck just broke up. Is that true?”
I winced at the shrillness of her voice.
“And what’s this about Rad coming back on the scene? How can you do this to Duck, Audrey?” I could tell she was gritting her teeth. “I did not raise my daughter to sleep around.”
“I haven’t slept with Rad,” I said, angrily.
“Well, something must have happened between the two of you! What’s the matter with you, Audrey? I knew it was a bad idea—you moving out.”
It was unbearable. My nerves were already shot, and this was way too much. I felt ready to take it to DEFCON 1. “Mum,” I said, “what makes you think you can judge me like this? At least I wasn’t married to Duck. You know, like how you were married to Dad.”
She fell silent, and I knew my accusation was like a slap in the face.
“How could you—”
I hung up the phone and switched it off, slamming it down onto the coffee table. “Hypocrite,” I spat.
“Audrey, your mother cheated on your dad years ago. You can’t keep punishing her for it.”
I knew Lucy was right, and it made me feel even worse.
“You know what they say about the apple not falling far from the tree,” I said bitterly.
“You didn’t sleep with Rad, though, did you?”
“No, we only fooled around. I know that still doesn’t make it right.”
“Oh, Audrey, you should have told Duck earlier about Rad, before it got to that point.”
“I know; I’m a shitty person.”
“No, you’re not. You’re just human; that’s all. We all make mistakes.”
I looked at Lucy, the eternal optimist. “At least I don’t ever have to break up with you,” I said, with a wry smile.
She reached over and took my hand in hers. “No, you’re stuck with me for life.”
The next morning, I got a text from Duck.
Can we talk?
We met at our favorite café. I was relieved to see that he looked much better than yesterday and told him so.
“Thanks. You hungry?” he said.
“Not really.” My stomach had been in knots ever since our breakup. Hard to believe it was only yesterday.
We got a coffee each, and I busied myself with tearing the sugar sachet, pouring it into my cup, and swirling it around with my spoon. I wasn’t sure if I could meet his gaze without crying again.
“I’m really sorry about yesterday,” Duck said after a while. “I didn’t mean to lose my temper like that.”
“It’s okay; you had every right to be upset.”
“Audrey, look at me, please.” He reached out and took my hand.
I looked up at him. He gave me a sad smile. “It’s not okay. I was out of line. It was just a shock; that’s all.”
“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.”
“Yes, I do. I’ve had some time to process it all, and it’s starting to make sense to me. We’ve been growing apart for a long time now; I just didn’t want to face it.”
I nodded.
“Look; if I could click my fingers and have things go back to the way they were, I would do it in an instant. But I know that’s not realistic. We’ve been together for so long maybe we need some time apart to figure out who we really are.”
“Maybe.”