What was going on? Why was I being so paranoid all of a sudden? Was it because I was finally allowing myself to admit that maybe, just maybe, Lance and I could have something like a future together? That maybe we wouldn’t always be sneaking around the facility to touch each other or dealing with some kind of drama surrounding either of our careers?
I just didn’t know what it was, but it was starting to keep me up at night, and I didn’t like it one bit.
Finally, at around 2 or 3 in the morning, long after I had come back to my apartment and gotten into bed, I sat up and rolled the blankets off me, determined to figure out what was causing this worry all of a sudden.
What did I do when I need to think something through? I paced, that’s what I did, and this time was no different.
Of course with each step I took I wished that Lance were in my tiny and cramped apartment with me, his giant arms wrapped around me and keeping me warm. I looked around, realizing that I barely spent any time here even on my off-days, and didn’t plan on changing that at any point soon.
Sandy was already on my case about not spending enough time with her, and I felt guilty about it, but with all the stuff going on with Lance and Oliver and the team, it just felt like most of the time my rightful place was at the Patriots facility, just in case.
I shook my head to try and clear these thoughts away - none of this was getting at the root of the problem. There was something bothering my subconscious and it had to do with Lance and me, and I needed to know what it was sooner rather than later so I could figure it out.
It took me 30 more minutes of pacing around my apartment in the dark, and making a cup of tea for myself to drink while continuing to pace before I figured it out. It really wasn’t just one thing, it was three things bothering me.
The first was that Lance Parker still had that rule of his. At any moment now he could clam up again and say that he really needed to focus on his career and the team, and blah blah blah all that stuff that I knew was really, really important to him but only seemed to come out when he was trying to tell me that we needed to stay further apart than we were. If I had to guess, something like that was coming again soon, right on schedule.
The second was that I didn’t know if I was cut out to date someone who was in the spotlight with the media and the internet like Lance was. If he got his way and brought a championship home to New England, he was only going to get more famous. What was a small town girl like me supposed to do with a rich, famous, and gorgeous boyfriend every girl around the world would swoon over? How could I have any peace of mind in a relationship like that?
The third was that I was just in way too deep way too fast with this guy. Here I was on a new coast, new job, barely knew anyone in town, and I spent all my time fawning over a guy I’d slept with on the first night. Was that really the right way to go? Of course, my connection with Lance felt so strong that I thought it must be fate, but was I really just deluding myself?
It felt like I had made some progress with all this pacing and tea-drinking, and when I finally climbed back into bed and pulled the blankets over me, snuggling back in, I managed to get to sleep.
In the morning, though, I realized that while I had figured out maybe what was bothering me, I really hadn’t figured out what to do about any of it.
Not good, Charlotte, not good at all.
CHAPTER 17 - LANCE
The next two weeks passed so quickly it almost made my head spin. I was getting healthier by the day, getting my weight back up, and I finally was able to plant my weight on my right knee just fine. I even managed to get back into the weight room, where everyone was surprised and thrilled to see me, except Oliver Lee, of course.
Hud and Drake both came up to me and watched me lift in between their sets, shouting encouragements the entire time. I loved being back in there with them, despite all the noise and the sweat. It just felt good to be getting stronger again. Every day in the gym or on the practice field was another step closer to getting back on the field on game day. I could almost taste it.
Things with Charlotte and I were better than ever. I would never have believed it before hand, but opening up to her about my fears about coming back to play really made things between us a lot better. I’d figured she wanted a guy who was gruff and knew what to do all the time, and I never would have guessed that showing any vulnerability would have been attractive to her, but she seemed to be happier than ever in those next couple weeks.
Of course, that made me happy too. She brightened the room whenever she came in, and each time I looked at her I wanted to do naughtier and naughtier things to her. I still wasn’t sure just how much she shared that desire, but I did catch some reassuring long looks and subtle touches from her.
There were more than zero stolen kisses each day too, but I figured that happened all the time, right? Right?
Every time she left my room I had a smile on my face.