“Is this what you wanted, Noelle?” my mother questioned me as the sound of Royal walking away echoed loudly in my ears. I had to remind myself that it wasn’t me he was walking away from, but my mother.
“What I wanted and what you got are two very different things. Hurting Royal, me, even Mark won’t make you feel any better in the long run, and I know you might be pretty on the outside but you’re nothing but a cold, desolate, heartless person on the inside. You’ll end up completely alone and miserable if you keep carrying on with your life like this.”
The fight that was in me was fading. I couldn’t keep going on and on with her about these things. It was pointless. All she ever spoke of was lies. Lies she told just to make herself feel better and tear other people down. All she was good at was spewing hate and demanding perfection from everyone around her. The person she expected me to be and the person I wanted to be were just not the same people, and I was done trying to please her, trying to be what she wanted.
“He will do nothing but hurt you. Break you down, Noelle. I know the type of person he is. He’s violent,” she cried as Mark held her in place. There was a change to her voice, almost a sound of utter defeat.
I shook my head laughing as I started to walk away.
“Are you insane, Mom? That is all you have done to me my entire life. It isn’t Royal that hurts me or tries to break me down; it’s you!” I yelled but kept going.
“Royal makes me feel accepted, like the person I am is all I ever need to be. He makes me feel whole for the first time in my life,” I said and for the first time I realize how absolutely true those words were.
Royal makes me whole.
“You’re making the biggest mistake of your life following that boy. Look at what he just did to me?” She was playing the victim, and it didn’t sit well with me.
“That’s just it. You’re delusional if you think it was Royal that was in the wrong here. All Royal did was give back exactly what you dished out! Just because you think you’re better than him, or better than even me doesn’t mean that it’s more right for you to do something. Look at yourself! Take a long look in the mirror before you start passing judgement around like it’s a dish to be served at dinner.” I turned on her, taking notice of the pity tears that started to fall from her eyes. I couldn’t look or feel an ounce of pity for her. Not when she brought all of this on herself.
“Everything would be better off without you around, since none of us live up to your expectations anyway. Why don’t you just leave? Forget about all of us and go find that perfect life you so badly want.”
She sniffled, pretending even further that she was hurt by the things we said.
“I should have aborted you like your father had told me to. My life would have been so much better if I hadn’t been stuck with your ungrateful ass.” I realized as soon as she spoke such hateful things to me that I should’ve been reeling with anger. That I should have been hurting. Crying even.
Her words should have stung at the very fucking least, but they didn’t. I knew that if a mother could feel that way about their child then they didn’t deserve to have them.
“Maybe you should have then.” I swallowed around the lump that had formed in my throat and the achiness that consumed the muscles in my chest. I wasn’t so much hurt at the thought of losing Viviana as I was with the realization that she never actually cared about me. She never actually loved me.
I just lost my mother. To me she would always be dead. From this point on I was an orphan. Sure I had Mark who I always thought of as a father, but in reality he didn’t owe me anything. He could up and leave me at any point and time and then I truly would be all alone.
I needed space away from it all, away from my mother and Mark. Away from the lies that seemed to be mounting. Each step I took away from them and up the stairs was a reminder that things had now changed. There was nothing else that needed to be said.
It was in these moments I realized what it must have been like for Royal growing up, and how that pain molded him into the man he was today.
Royal was right about everything.
Everything would be okay.
Maybe not today or tomorrow, but it would be okay. With him by my side nothing could go wrong. Right?
Chapter Nineteen
-Royal
“Mommy!” I pulled on her dress, wanting her to pay attention to me as she talked to the big man in front of us. He looked a lot like someone I had met once or twice.
“Just a second, Royal,” she whispered, her eyes smiling down at me. I knew she wanted me to be quiet, but I just couldn’t be. I was too excited.
“It’s how things have to be. I’ll come back for you and Royal, but until I get everything settled you will need to stay here.” I gripped the hold I had on my mommy’s dress just as the large man she was speaking to dropped down to my eye level. I wasn’t scared of him.