She curls her body into me and buries her face in my chest. I feel her fingers dig into my shirt. “I lose everyone I love.”
The words fold around me like a blanket, giving me warmth for the first time since Leah died. I’ve been stuck in a frozen wasteland for so many years, I’ve forgotten what warmth feels like … until Cara.
Cara~
I fell asleep on Damian. When I wake up, I feel groggy and stiff.
Damian doesn’t say a word but gets up, pulling me up along with him. He throws the cover back and then waits for me to get into bed before he gets in behind me. His arms come around me and he curls his body around mine until my back is pressed tightly to his chest. I feel his breath on my hair and I try to focus on it.
I don’t know why I’m still alive. I don’t understand how my heart can still keep beating when it’s been torn to shreds.
I have seen all I’ve cared to see of this unforgiving world. I want to leave it. I wish I could turn time back to before I was conceived. All I can remember of the time before my first memory is nothing, and I want that so desperately – just nothingness.
This life has hollowed me out. There’s nothing left of me. I thought I found some happiness with Annie, but no, that was just life giving me the finger.
Neither of us fall back to sleep. My mind drifts to Damian and how comfortable I’ve become with him touching me. Maybe it’s because he’s saved my butt twice.
As soon as the sun starts to rise, Damian gets up. I glance over my shoulder and watch as he phones someone.
“Jeff,” Damian’s voice is harsh again. There’s no trace of the man who comforted me the night before. “We need to disappear. Don’t even pack your shit. Just go.”
I sit up and watch Damian. “We’ll be fine. We go with the retirement plan. I’ll check in with you once the dust has settled.”
When he tucks the phone back in his pocket I can’t help but ask, “Retirement plan?”
“Yeah.” He nods as he walks to the window. He peeks through the curtain before he turns back to me. “We have one stop to make before we head south.”
I might be a mess right now but I’m not so out of it that I don’t notice that he’s intentionally keeping me in the dark. I let it go for now and slowly get out of bed. I walk to the bathroom and cringe when I see the state of the shower. It’s filthy. No way in hell am I using it.
I turn to the basin and rinse my mouth a couple of times. It does nothing to remove the stale taste from my mouth.
“Here,” Damian says, holding a toothbrush and toothpaste out to me.
I take it and quickly brush my teeth. I make sure to rinse it properly before he takes it back.
I smooth my hair out and then my eyes widen as I watch Damian brush his teeth. I take a step back and just stare. He’s using the same toothbrush.
Last night he took it upon himself to dress me in one of his shirts.
He came to help me … again.
At the hospital he said I’m his wife. Not sister. Not cousin. He chose to make me his wife.
Shit!
I rush out of the bathroom. The small space of the motel room feels like it’s suffocating me.
My mind starts to race frantically. I care about him, sure, but I’m a wretched mess. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for a relationship.
I already have a ton of shit to deal with. I don’t need this.
I pull at my hair as panic flares through me. I need Damian. I know I won’t survive this without him, but … what if he wants more? I can’t give him more. Fuck my life.
The wound starts to ache, every pulse of pain in rhythm with my racing heart. I sit down so my body won’t take too much strain and then start to chew on my thumb nail.
Damian comes out of the bathroom and his eyes lock with mine.
“I … I …” I start to stutter like an idiot. I pull at the shirt, trying to make it longer. I’m hyper aware of my lack of clothing.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes,” he grumbles, and then I watch him leave.
I sit frozen, not sure what’s happening. “It’s your imagination,” I start to talk some sense into my confused head. “You’re just friends.” I wipe my hands over my thighs, and then pull at the hem again. “You always wanted a friend and now you have one.” My heart squeezes tightly in my chest. “Be happy,” I snap. “You have a friend. You’re not alone …” My thoughts turn to Annie and the baby, and then I whisper, “… for now.”
Who knows for how long I’ll have Damian before I’m forced to give him up? This is why I left him in the first place - to avoid shit like this.
To avoid getting hurt.
One day he’ll be gone. Just like my parents. Just like Annie. Just like the baby.
I sit and stare at the floor, and it feels as if my soul is slipping into a bottomless pit of despair and emptiness.
It feels like I’m detached from life itself. The sun keeps shining. The wind keeps blowing.
My body keeps breathing, but I’m drained … just empty, and it’s the most lost feeling I’ve ever felt.
Damian~