The first time I saved her she was beaten and out of it, but not even that compares to the haunted look staring back at me right now.
“Let me clean your wound and then we’ll get some sleep.” I have no false words to offer her as comfort. She’ll just have to find her way back to me on her own and at a pace she’s comfortable with. We’re back to square one, but this time around I can’t find it in me to be clinical. She’s not just a job anymore. She’s become so much more than just a person in need of help. I’m not sure what she is, but she’s not just another target.
I reach for the blanket but then pause. “Is it okay if I clean the wound?” I don’t want to be the cause of any discomfort for her.
She nods and lies flat on her back. The previous time I had to clean her wounds, she would look away and stare blankly at some spot on the ceiling or wall, but now her eyes find mine.
“I’ll be quick,” I whisper. I pull the blanket from her and then I push the stupid gown up until I have a clear view of the bandage around her wound. She’s wearing one of those hospital panties. I’ll go and get her clothes first thing in the morning. She can’t travel in a hospital gown and blanket.
I open the first aid kit and take out the antiseptic and some wipes. I pull the bandage off and throw it on the floor. I can feel her eyes on me as I start to clean the area around the wound. I’ll have to take her to a doctor to get the clips removed.
Once I’m done cleaning the wound, I glance at her. “Can you sit up so I can put the fresh bandage on? There’s no tape to stick it on.”
She struggles until she’s resting on her elbows. This is the part where I should let her struggle, so she can get stronger, but … I just can’t.
I reach for her and slip an arm around her back. I pull her slowly into a sitting position.
She looks away to some spot on the other side of the room. “Please don’t be like this,” she whispers.
I frown, not sure what she means. “Like what?”
When her eyes come back to mine, her chin is quivering. “Don’t be nice to me. I don’t deserve it. Be like you were when you first found me. Just be cold.”
Her eyes dart away again but I take hold of her chin, bringing her face back to me. “Look at me,” I bark and her eyes snap to mine. “What the fuck are you thinking up in that head of yours?”
Her hands clutch the harsh material of the gown and she swallows hard. “It’s all my fault,” she whispers hollowly. “You said so yourself.” I frown at this.
“What’s your fault?” I work my jaw to stay patient with her.
“Everything,” she whispers and her eyes drop to my chest. “They found me because I was careless. They beat me … they raped me because I let my guard down.” A tear slips over her cheek and for a moment I stare at it, thinking how wrong she’s is.
“No, Cara,” I say. “You might have let your guard down but it was never your fault that they beat and raped you.” I hate the words as they leave my mouth. They’re such ugly words to link to her.
She shakes her head, while her eyes are staring blankly at my chest. She’s losing it! Fuck. I wish she would scream and cry. I wish she would show more emotion and just let it all out.
“I … I brought it on myself. I didn’t fight hard enough. I didn’t … I ran away and they found me again … I killed my baby,” she gasps, every breath coming faster than the previous one.
I frame her face with both my hands, forcing her to keep still. Her hand grips my wrist and her nails dig into my skin.
“You didn’t kill your baby,” I say. My voice cracks under the weight of the sadness I’m feeling for her. “Cara …” I don’t know what to say to her. I press my forehead to hers and just hold her still. Her breaths are heavy with guilt and pain.
“Life throws these curveballs at you so you’ll grow from them, so you’ll become the best possible version of you. It sucks, but you’ll get through this, and you’ll be so much stronger.”
She lets go of my wrist and grabs my shoulder. She pulls at me and I move closer, enveloping her in my arms.
“I can’t, Damian,” she chokes on the pain that’s eating her alive. “I can’t take any more. I’m done. Fuck life. If this is what life is like, then I’d rather die.”
I press a kiss to the top of her head and just hold her tight. She’s been through hell. All I can do right now is to help keep her standing. She just needs time.
When she calms down, she pulls slightly away. “I don’t understand,” she whispers. “How did they find me again?”
The muscle in my jaw starts ticking. She can’t deal with more shit. Fuck!
Her eyes search mine and a slight frown forms between her eyes. “Tell me,” she urges more insistent this time.
I wipe a hand over my face and shake my head. This is going to kill her.