I flushed at his words. “Then what’s the problem?”
“I can’t…I mean, we can’t…” Yoss looked away, suddenly shy. “We need protection. I won’t put you at risk. I don’t know if I’m…if I have anything. I love you. I want to be with you. But I won’t risk your health,” he let out in a rush.
Protection.
Where the hell were we going to get that?
“Oh. Okay. Well, that makes sense,” I said, trying to hide my disappointment.
“I have condoms. In my wallet. I always have them,” Yoss explained. He didn’t need to say why he had to be prepared.
Don’t think about that! I screamed at myself.
Not now. Not when we’re like this!
Yoss crawled off the bed and dug into the pocket of his jeans, retrieving his wallet.
I felt completely exposed, lying naked on the bed. I awkwardly covered up with the blanket, trying not to stare as he tore open the foil packet and rolled the condom on.
I was fascinated, even if I felt a little pervy for ogling him.
When he was finished, he came back to the bed, giving me a soft, sweet smile. He saw that I was completely wrapped in the blanket and raised an eyebrow.
“Are you cold?”
I shook my head. “I feel a little like a turkey waiting to be eaten on Thanksgiving.” I laughed nervously.
Yoss chuckled and slipped under the covers with me. I could feel his latex covered erection against my belly and my throat went dry.
“Are you okay? If you don’t want to—” Yoss started, but I cut him off. With a kiss.
“Does that answer your question?” I asked.
“Yeah. I think so.” His voice broke slightly and he let out a long, pent up breath.
“Are you okay?” We were asking each other that question a lot. I didn’t know sex required so much talking.
“I’m not a virgin, Imi. You know that,” he began. This wasn’t something I wanted to discuss. Not now.
“But I feel like I am.” He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me flush against him. “Because this is the first time it will mean something. For the first time, I’ll feel it here.” He placed my hand over his heart. He smiled. “So I’m nervous. Really nervous,” he admitted.
“Me too,” I whispered.
Yoss kissed me again and this time he didn’t stop.
Hands. Tongues. Lips.
They were everywhere.
He entered me slowly. Achingly so. It hurt. A lot.
But the pain was secondary to the incredible closeness I felt when he pushed inside me.
It was a feeling I’d never forget.
Ever.
“Imi. I love you. God I love you,” he groaned into my mouth as we started to move together. His tears fell on my face, mingling with my own.
We sobbed.
We laughed.
We promised.
We fell apart.
And when it was over I knew that neither of us would ever be the same.
I loved him with the foolish loyalty of a na?ve heart. Every piece of me belonged to the lost, lonely boy who had saved me. He held on and I would never let go.
Because I knew that when I gave him my heart, he’d never give it back.
“Let’s leave. Today. Somewhere new. Far away from here,” I said afterwards. Yoss’s fingers trailed lazily up and down my back. Sweat cooled on fevered skin.
He kissed the top of my head that was tucked comfortably underneath his chin.
“Where will we go?” he asked, sounding tired.
“The beach. Remember our story?” I rolled onto my stomach, propping myself up so that I could look at him.
Yoss grinned. “Yeah, I remember it. Can I try telling it this time?”
“Only if you get it right,” I teased.
Yoss sat up, leaning against the headboard. He pulled me along with him so that I was settled against his chest. “Once upon a time there was a girl from a happy family. She was loved and adored and never wanted for anything. She spent her days surrounded by friends and family. She smiled all the time, never having a reason to cry.”
“So far so good,” I interjected.
“Shh, let me finish,” Yoss chastised gently, giving me a squeeze. “Then one day she met a boy who was just as happy. And together they realized how wonderful life could be. He wanted to take care of her. She wanted to stay by his side.”
I loved the sound of his contentment. His hope.
“The girl had never been to the beach.”
“Neither had the boy,” I added, just as I was supposed to.
Yoss ran his hand through my hair. “Nope, neither had the boy. So they decided to run away to the shore. Where they could dip their toes in the water and walk on the sand. Because everything was always better when they were together.”
“Is that our plan? To live our story? Go to the beach and walk on the sand?” I asked him, barely able to contain the gleeful anticipation that bubbled up inside me.
“That’s our plan,” Yoss agreed.
I sat up and turned to him. “Promise?”
He nodded.
I let out a squeal and launched myself at him, kissing every inch of his face. I straddled him and only when he moaned did the laughter stop.
It wasn’t until later that I realized he had never given me the words.
His promise had remained silent.