Yoss rolled me onto my back and ran his hands through my hair. “I can think of better places to stay forever than a cheap motel room with scratchy sheets,” he laughed. He kissed the side of my neck. “Now come on, before Mae barges in here.”
I sat up, covering my bare chest with the sheet and watched as he gathered his clothes. “How do you know Mae?” I asked him, having forgotten about the strange greeting she had given him the night before in the heat of things that came afterwards.
Yoss paused before going into the bathroom. “Oh you know, just around,” he replied dismissively.
“Yoss.”
He looked at me, dark hair falling into his eyes. “Stop hiding things you think I shouldn’t know. If I ask you a question, I want an answer. Don’t evade me.”
Yoss mouth thinned and there was a noticeably tick in his jaw. “I’ve known Mae for a long time.”
“Really? How is that?” I pressed. I too often let things drop when I shouldn’t. I instinctively shied away from information I was scared to know or Yoss didn’t want to give me.
But if we were going to have a life together, that had to change.
I couldn’t love half a man.
I needed all of him.
His secrets.
His truths.
Everything.
Yoss came back to the bed and sat down. “Sometimes I come here,” he admitted.
I knew.
His eyes met mine. Shame. So much of it. It coated him in grime and bled from his mouth with words I wished I didn’t have to hear.
“With my…with the men…” He stumbled and fell over honesty.
“Oh,” I said quietly, sickened at the thought of sleeping in a bed that he had already lain in.
Touching someone else the way he had touched me.
How would I ever reconcile myself with the things he had done? Would it always be in the back of my mind? Taunting me? Laughing at my foolishness?
“Manny keeps a few rooms available. He pays Mae to have them ready.” Yoss was pale and he swallowed thickly. “I’ve never stayed here though. Not in this room,” he hastily added.
As if that were a consolation.
“It doesn’t matter though. We’re leaving today. We won’t ever see Manny again,” I said a little desperately with a bravado I wasn’t sure I actually possessed.
“Right,” Yoss agreed, rising to his feet. “Do you want the shower first?”
I shook my head. I felt disquieted. Uneasy. Yoss wouldn’t quite look at me. I was scared to really look at him.
After everything we had shared the night before I should have been jubilant. Excited. But Yoss’s demeanor was off. Guilty maybe.
Don’t be ridiculous! I chided myself. He’s still grieving! We both are! Give him a break! Stop looking for problems. We’re leaving today. Focus on that!
I heard the water turn on in the bathroom and got out of bed.
I stood in the middle of the motel room, wishing I wasn’t imagining Yoss here. With faceless other people.
It made me feel dirty.
It made me want to scream.
Instead I cried.
I had to learn to let this go. But could I?
And why didn’t I trust Yoss to do the same?
Not able to shake the sense of unease, I went into the bathroom and pulled back the shower curtain, stepping into the hot water behind Yoss.
His head was bowed, the water streaming over his slumped shoulders.
He was folding in on himself. Crumbling under the weight of things he wouldn’t share.
I ran my hands up his back and felt him shudder beneath my palm. I leaned in and placed my lips between his shoulder blades, kissing softly. So softly.
Without a word, Yoss turned and took me in his arms, his eyes still closed.
Hot. Wet. Slippery skin. Gasping, aching breaths. He fell to his knees in front of me. I parted my legs and almost collapsed when his mouth touched me.
His tongue made love to me as I tried to stay on my feet, my fingers pulling on his hair as I moaned. And sobbed. And promised a thousand unattainable things.
Too soon Yoss turned off the water and carried me back to the bedroom where he laid me down on the bed.
And he held me as I came, with him inside me.
I had no way of knowing that would be the last time.
That he was already preparing to break my heart.
“I have to go run some errands first. I want to try to get a few things before we leave,” Yoss explained after we were dressed and were readying ourselves to leave.
“I’ll come with you,” I said, tying my shoes and putting on my coat.
It was past noon. We had stayed longer than we should have. Why did it feel as if we were delaying something inevitable?
“No. Why don’t you head back to the bridge? Di, Shane, and Karla are probably there. They’ll want to know where we were. We need to tell them about Bug. And we need to say goodbye. Tell them what we’re doing. I don’t want to take off without them knowing,” Yoss replied.
“Shouldn’t you be the one to tell them? Can’t we do that together?” I protested.
I was worried.
I didn’t know why.
Yoss smiled and kissed me deeply. Tongues. Teeth. Meant to make me forget.
“If we divide and conquer we can leave that much sooner,” Yoss reasoned and I couldn’t argue with that one.
I would do whatever he asked so long as we put Lupton and this messy, messy life behind us.
“We’re leaving today, right? You’ll meet me at the bridge?” I asked a little fearfully.