After my shower I curled up beside Yoss on the bed and fell into a deep, uninterrupted sleep.
When I woke up hours later, the room was pitch black and I was disoriented. All I knew was that I was warm. Deliciously so. I snuggled underneath the blankets, making a cocoon.
Then I realized I was alone. That wasn’t right. I never slept alone.
For a few strange minutes I thought I was back at The Pit. Which made no sense because I was never warm there.
Then I remembered where I was.
And what had happened.
Bug.
I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes until they adjusted to the dimness. Yoss wasn’t in bed with me. And from what I could see he wasn’t in the room. I quickly put on my jeans and sweatshirt before checking the bathroom. It was dark. No Yoss.
The first threads of anxiety uncurled in my gut.
Where was he?
I slipped on my still damp shoes and opened the door to the room, a blast of cold air and cigarette smoke hitting me in the face.
Yoss leaned against a post staring out into the night, watching the snow fall steadily. The glow from the end of his cigarette flared as he inhaled.
He turned around at the sound the opening the door.
“Hey,” he said softly.
“Hey.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “What are you doing out here? It’s freezing.”
Yoss blew out a lungful of smoke and looked back out across the parking lot.
“Couldn’t sleep and I didn’t want to wake you up with my tossing and turning.” Another puff on the cigarette. “It’s still early, you should try to sleep some more.”
I made sure I had the room key in my pocket and quietly shut the door behind me, moving to stand beside Yoss.
“I’m awake now.” I rubbed my hands up and down over my arms. My breath came in puffs out in front of me.
Yoss rolled his cigarette between his fingers. “I should quit. It’s a nasty habit.”
“Yes it is,” I agreed, making a face.
Yoss dropped the butt on the pavement and crushed it with his toe. “Why couldn’t you sleep? You must be exhausted,” I asked when he didn’t head back into the room.
He stuffed his hands into his pockets. “Just thinking about Bug. I can’t believe how little I really knew about him. I thought we were family. I had no idea he already had one somewhere else. A family that wanted him.”
I leaned against the other side of the post and blew on my cold hands. “How could you have known if he never mentioned them?” I pointed out.
He looked over at me, his brow furrowed. “He had a family, Imi. One that loved him. He should have been with them and not with us. I should have asked more. His brother was right, I should have made him go home. I knew about the drugs. That should have been enough to make him do something.”
“His brother apologized for what he said, Yoss. He was just angry and upset. He didn’t mean any of it,” I added.
“Doesn’t mean he wasn’t right.” He straightened his shoulders and pulled out the second room key. “Let get inside. We spend too much time in the cold.”
I reached out and grabbed his hand before he could walk away. “Don’t blame yourself for Bug. There’s nothing you, or anyone, could have done to save him. He made his choices.”
Yoss’s eyes gleamed in the streetlight. “Yes, he did. We all make our choices, don’t we?” I hated this side of Yoss. This part of him that too easily blamed himself, who was mired in guilt.
I wanted to see the Yoss who walked with hope in his eyes and a smile on his face. It had been too long since I had seen that Yoss.
We went back inside and Yoss threw the deadbolt over the door.
“Come to bed,” I told him, pulling on his hand. I ran my hand through his damp hair. His skin was cold to the touch.
The room was hushed. I could hear our breathing. Intense.
I needed to be close to him. More than I needed anything. I wanted the connection that I felt only with him. I felt as though we were walking along the edge of a cliff. We were dangerously close to falling over.
What would we do when we finally fell?
“You need to sleep, Imi,” he said so, so quietly, watching me as I took off my sweatshirt again. Eyes heating as I kicked off my jeans. I stood before him in my bra and underwear. Too skinny. Hair stringy and scraggly down my back. Scrapes and bruises on my legs.
But I had never felt more beautiful.
“I’ve slept enough,” I whispered, scared to speak any louder. The room became hot. Heavy. Full of promises and longing.
Slowly, so slowly, he leaned down and kissed my mouth. I remained perfectly still, not wanting to move too much in case he stopped.
I felt it. The moment when the walls came down. Slowly. Brick by brick we dismantled the last barrier between us.
Yoss undressed. Then I could touch him. All of him. Nothing between us. It was a heady feeling. Overwhelming. Like the love that rushed through my body unheeded.
Yoss laid me down on the bed. He was all shadow as he loomed over me. But I could feel him. His hand on my face. His bare leg against mine. His naked chest beneath my palm.