The beat, beat, beat of his constant heart.
He kissed my cheeks. My eyelids. My chin. He ran his thumb down the side of my neck and it was then that I realized how much skin was touching. We had never been like this before.
I could feel him.
Everywhere.
“I just keep wondering what the hell we’re doing,” Yoss said, his lips against mine.
I twined my hands around his neck, my fingers easing up into the strands of his hair. I nuzzled into his neck, breathing him in. He smelled like cigarette smoke, soap from the shower, and something sweeter. Something that hit me right in the heart.
He smelled like my Yoss.
I kissed the soft, steady thumping at the base of his throat. His skin was salty on my tongue.
“Imi,” he breathed, his hands running down my side as he lifted my legs to wrap them around his waist, his fingers digging into my thighs.
“We can’t keep going like this,” he rasped as I pressed against him. I could feel how hard he was and we both groaned.
“We’ll figure it out, Yoss. As long as we’re together, everything will be okay.” I pulled him down and kissed him again. Insistent. My tongue swept along the curve of his mouth and he parted his lips, letting me in.
“You really believe that?” he asked, rolling his hips gently as I arched up to meet him. My belly fluttered madly and every part of me was on fire.
“I believe in us,” I declared and then we weren’t talking anymore.
“I want to see you.” Yoss reached over and turned on the bedside lamp.
The light was harsh and I had to close my eyes for a moment. When I opened them again I found Yoss staring down at me with something like wonder on his face. Something like joy.
Something like out of control panic.
I was almost completely naked underneath him. He was between my thighs and the only thing separating us were thin strips of fabric. He wanted me. I could feel it.
It scared me. I was a virgin after all. I had enough friends tell me that the first time hurt.
But I knew that the only person I wanted to share this part of me with was Yoss. He owned my heart. I wanted him to have my body as well.
He didn’t seem so sure though.
“I don’t think this is a good idea.” Even as he said the words, he ran his hand up my stomach, inch by inch until he was cupping my breast. I moaned, leaning into his palm.
“It’s the best idea we ever had,” I argued, wiggling against him, loving the friction between us.
“The things I’ve done, Imi—”
I quickly sat up, his hand dropping from my body. I leaned up on my knees until we were nose to nose. His eyes were bright. Too bright. I saw the love he felt for me.
But I also saw the shame.
And that I couldn’t tolerate. Not for a moment.
“I don’t care what you’ve done before. I love you. That’s not conditional. I don’t agree with the things you’ve done, but I also know you were desperate and doing what you had to do to stay alive.” I framed his face with my hands. “Just promise me you won’t do it again. That you’ll find another way. Because once we share this, I don’t want you to be with anyone else. No matter the reason.”
Yoss looked conflicted. “I hate the things I’ve had to do. But if it puts food in your stomach—”
“Then I’ll gladly starve!” I declared emphatically. “And I’ll smile because I know you won’t be giving them what belongs to me.” I kissed him harshly. Brutally. Teeth clanging together. Tongues tangled. I pulled away and we were both panting. “What belongs to you.”
I stared into his eyes, never looking away. “Promise me, Yoss! Promise you won’t give this away to anyone else. That you won’t let anyone else touch you.”
“I promise,” he whispered, closing his eyes as tears slid down his cheeks creating long, painful trails. “I’d give you whatever you asked for. I want to remember what it feels like not to be ashamed. Not to feel sick inside. To be able to love without guilt and regret.”
I brushed the hair back from his face. “I’ll help you. That’s my promise to you.”
Then we were kissing. And touching.
The last of our clothes were discarded and we were finally skin to skin. Yoss paused, positioned between my legs. I felt him in the most sensitive, intimate places. But we weren’t close enough. Not nearly enough.
“Wait, Imogen. We can’t yet,” Yoss rasped, and I wanted to scream with frustration.
I had been waiting so long to be like this with him. I felt like he was throwing obstacle after obstacle up to stop us.
“If you don’t want to…if I’m not…I mean, I don’t want to make you…” I stuttered and tripped over my words, feeling the crushing sense of rejection.
I tried to wiggle out from underneath him wanting to curl into a ball and hide. Yoss held me still, refusing to let me move.
“It’s not what you’re thinking,” he said firmly. “I want to be inside of you. Nothing will stop me from feeling you everywhere.”