“Never.” I looked her in the eye as I said it. She needed to understand that would never change.
“So you just…hook up with women and never call them again?”
“No.” I was never dishonest. “We usually go out for a few weeks, and then I stop calling because I get bored.”
She didn’t flinch at my bluntness. “But doesn’t that get boring?”
“No.” Having any type of relationship wasn’t an option for me.
Pity moved into her eyes. “It sounds lonely…”
Loneliness was all I’d ever known. “It can be…but I like it that way.”
She shook her head slightly. “Why?”
Why? That was a question I could never answer. It didn’t matter who asked it. “Because.”
Sadness was plastered all over her face. “Are you going to keep doing this until you find the right girl?”
“I’ll never find the right girl. Even if I found her, I wouldn’t want her.” I’d never talked about this so deeply with another person. When all the others asked about it, I didn’t even answer them. I let the silence stretch on.
“My brother does whatever he does…but I know he has relationships also.”
“And that’s him, not me.” Why did she keep pressing this conversation? Did she want me to change? Did she think she could get me to change? “I’m not good for you, Frankie. I don’t know how many different ways I can say it. If you’re looking for Prince Charming or a knight in shining armor, he’s not me. I’m dark, cold, and distant.” Laying out the truth like that didn’t make me feel better, but it would make her understand that I would never change—even for her.
“I believe you.” There wasn’t sadness in her eyes like I expected there to be. There wasn’t even judgment. “I just…feel a connection between us. I can’t explain it… Do you know what I’m talking about?”
I did. I felt it the moment I met her. It was why I couldn’t stop going into The Grind even though I couldn’t stand the way her friend Marie gawked at me every two seconds. I saw a vision of our wedding reflected in Marie’s eyes. But I came back to see Francesca. And when she finally made it clear she wanted meaningless sex, I was very happy…but then I was wrong about that. “I guess.” Downplaying my feelings was all I knew.
“We both want different things and there’s nothing wrong with that. If that’s how you want to live your life, I won’t think less of you. And I want a husband with kids someday, and there’s nothing wrong with that either. You shouldn’t think less of me.”
“I don’t.” She’d never done a single thing to make me think less of her. In fact, I thought the world of her.
“I would love to be friends—real friends. No more creeping around the truth. Just honesty. It saves time.”
She didn’t think I was a disgusting pig? She just accepted me for who I was? She didn’t try to change me? It was that easy? “I would love that.” It was the only thing I could offer her other than fucking her a few times until I lost interest. In a way, this was better for both of us.
“Then you should go so you can catch up with Axel.” That look of disappointment I expected to see wasn’t there. “You don’t have to stay here just because of me. You don’t owe me anything.”
For the first time, I didn’t want to go out to a bar and pick up a girl. I didn’t want to take her to a hotel and fuck her a million ways. Actually, I wanted to stay there while the fire burned in the hearth. I wanted to look at the beautiful woman next to me and talk to her.
I wanted this—friendship.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Hawke
Cynthia lay next to me on the bed. She snuggled into my side like a teddy bear and gripped me tightly. Her hand rested on my stomach and she sighed deeply every few minutes.
I didn’t like being touched.
“What are you doing tomorrow?” she asked in a raspy voice.
I didn’t mind doing back-to-backs, but I wasn’t feeling it with Cynthia. The sex was mediocre and I didn’t want another round. “I have plans.” I slid out of her embrace then sat at the edge of the bed. “You should get going, Cynthia. I have to work in the morning.”
She sat up with an offended look in her eyes. “What about after work?”
“Busy.” I grabbed her clothes from the floor and handed them to her. I told her exactly what this arrangement was, and I was irritated that she was trying to make it into something more. And I was even more irritated that she was acting like I was the bad guy.
“Are you always a dick?”
“When I’m treated like one.” I pulled on my boxers then checked the time. It was almost eleven.
She released an irritated sigh before she started to get dressed.
“Would you rather I lie to you? Would you rather I woo you then blow you off?” Lying to get into a woman’s pants was low. I had a few friends who did it on a regular basis, but they didn’t understand just how painful that was for the girl they left behind. I chose to be upfront about my intentions, right from the beginning. But somehow, I was an even bigger ass because of it.