God help me. I couldn’t do this anymore. I just wanted to end it. That would be the only way to make it better. Free myself of the agony. Living this way just wasn’t worth it anymore. I might as well finish myself off all at once instead of shutting down one cell at a time.
I ripped the portals of torment from my ears and threw them down in disgust. “Please, God. Give me a sign. Something. Anything. What am I supposed to do?” I shivered, a weeping lump of flesh.
The silence around me was deafening. The only sound was the sporadic hitch of air that came from your chest after a good bout of hysterics.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Hitch.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Hitch. Hitch.
Frantically wiping up and down my face, I dragged myself off the lounge chair. Going to the perimeter of the roof, I peered down, wondering what it would feel like to free fall to the bottom. Take hold of my fate and say fuck it. Break these chains and finally be free.
I pulled myself up and over the cold cement rail and settled my back against it. Holding on, I stared down at the tiny cars as I inched up on my tippy toes and leaned forward. Maybe I could fly like a blackbird. Dragging my bottom lip between my teeth, I creeped further, teetering on the edge. My stomach lurched, and I swallowed hard.
Pussy.
Another breath and I pushed back, unable to go through with it. That prick wasn’t worth ending my life over. He’d already taken too much of me; I couldn’t allow him that as well.
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.
I spent the day gliding about the halls of the university. At least it was Friday, but making it through work tonight would be a challenge after the night I’d had.
Sandra let me copy a bunch of her notes, God bless her heart. She didn’t say anything, just seemed to take notice of my zombie-like state. I wasn’t doing a very good job of covering it up today. She merely gave me a half smile and pushed her notebook in my direction. Praise quiet, intuitive girls. I was doing a terrible job of concealing things here; worse than I’d done back home where I’d had constant reminders. Go figure.
Walking from my calculus class, my phone rang. I was so tired, I answered without looking at the caller I.D. “Hello.”
“What the fuck, Evangelina!”
Shit! I stopped walking and tensed at the tone of the familiar voice on the other end.
“Did I not get the memo that we don’t talk anymore?” She sounded irate.
“I’m sorry. You have no idea what I’ve been going through over here.”
“You’re right,” she bit out. “I don’t have any idea because you have apparently cut your only sister out of your life.”
Oh no. I didn’t want her to think that. This wasn’t her fault. “That isn’t true. Don’t act that way. I’m really sorry.”
“You know, I’ve been trying really hard for a long time now, but you just keep pushing me further and further away. Did I do something to you that I don’t know about, because if I did, I’m sorry.” Sadness laced through her angry tone.
“No, you didn’t do anything. I love you. I’m the one who should be apologizing. Please don’t feel that way. I’ll make it up to you, I swear.”
“Make it up to me, huh?” The skepticism in her tone told me she didn’t believe me.
“Yes, I promise.” I was desperate to take away the pain in her voice.
Stale air buzzed as she contemplated my words. Like always, she made it easy on me. “Don’t worry about it,” she replied, her voice soft now. “I’ll see you soon enough. Just stop ignoring me.”
I let my eyes close and sighed. “I didn’t mean for it to seem like I was ignoring you. I’ll be better, I promise.”
“That’s more like it.” She let out a long sigh as well. “Now, tell me all about what’s been going on with you. How’s New York? How’re your classes? Your apartment? Any hot guys?”
“Whoa, slow down.” I giggled, loving her spunk.
“It’s not my fault. I wouldn’t have to cram them all in if I heard from you every now and then, little sissy.” More guilt.
“My classes are okay. I’m still trying to figure it all out. I’m in love with my apartment. I just got a job last night, actually. Bartending so I can afford said apartment. You’ll have to come for a drink one night. You’d love it.”
“And? Hot guys? Hello, I need details. You skipped the best part.” She jumped right back into our regular flow.
“I don’t know. I haven’t been paying much attention.” I tried to steer clear of this topic.
“My ass! There is too someone. I can hear it in your voice. Don’t lie to me, missy, or I’ll call Jace next.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Don’t you roll your eyes at me.”
I frowned. “Hey, how do you know I’m rolling my eyes?”
“I know everything.”
Not everything.
“There might be one guy.” I closed one eye and winced, preparing myself for the barrage of inquiries.
“I knew it! Spill!” I heard the foam seeping from her lips.
“Close your mouth.” The smile could be heard in my voice.
We both laughed. God, I missed her.
“Eva?”
“Yeah?”