Bliss York
I WAS LOST for a moment. What was right and what was wrong didn’t register in my brain. Not then. My mind and heart were both drenched in this kiss and I let it happen. I didn’t just let it happen I held on for dear life and then some. My hands grabbed at his muscular arms as my body pressed against his. I could stay like this forever, his frame moving against mine, and the taste of his mouth forcing my toes to curl.
What he’d said and how much it had hurt didn’t matter. I believed him. He hadn’t meant it. The Nate I knew wasn’t cruel and elitist. It had been a ploy to save my job. A job, after overhearing them, I didn’t want. And I admit this was better than my memory. But, of course, he was now a man. And he knew exactly what to do and how to do it.
No I didn’t care about anything else. This was everything.
Running my hands up his arms I inhaled his scent and I felt like moaning with pleasure. For a virgin with very little experience my body was buzzing and I ached to get closer. To have more.
Just as my hands found his broad shoulders and his hands found my bottom I remembered what did matter. The one thing that made this wrong. It was like ripping off my arm or stepping back from the sun into the cold shadows. But I did it. I broke the kiss and used both my hands to shove him back. Away from me. Away from what I wanted but couldn’t have.
This wasn’t okay. He wasn’t free. He belonged to someone else.
“Bliss,” he began, and I shook my head no. He didn’t need to say anything.
“That was wrong,” I told him. He already knew it and maybe that had been what he was going to say. But I needed to be the one to say it. Hearing him confess that this kiss had been a mistake wasn’t something I could handle at the moment. My heart was taking a serious beating because reality had suddenly set in.
“Nothing about that was wrong,” he argued, taking a step toward me. I took a step back.
“Stop. Don’t. Yes, it was,” I said. Although I didn’t agree with him, those words soothed me as much as they pained me. He wasn’t saying he’d made a mistake. I was thankful for that, even if it was selfish.
“Bliss, look at me,” he pleaded. I didn’t think that was a good idea. If I saw those eyes and those lips of his I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t throw myself at him. He wasn’t mine to touch. To enjoy. He wasn’t mine to laugh with and kiss. He wasn’t mine to hold. He was someone else’s and I’d kissed him.
The worst thing about it was I didn’t regret it. I should feel ashamed. Terrible. I was an awful human being but I did not care. I wouldn’t give that kiss up for anything. I’d just live with my crime. My character flaw. Who was I kidding, I had a lot of flaws, but now I knew I had a really major defect. I’d become “the other woman.”
“You should go,” I said, still looking down.
He sighed and I heard him let out a frustrated growl. “I can’t, this isn’t . . . fuck!” He wasn’t making complete thoughts but I understood every word. I felt it too. Even the curse word at the end. “There’s something there. Something between us. Always has been, since the first time I saw you. But that something is scary as hell. What I have now . . . it’s easy.” His last word trailed off like he had admitted something he was ashamed of.
My heart was already broken but it was shattering as we stood there. We did have something. A connection that drew me to him. Made me want to be close to him. He made my world brighter. I’d thought that was because of my limited experience with guys but he felt it too. It wasn’t just me.
That didn’t change anything though. He wanted easy. I wasn’t easy. Was it because I had been sick? I wasn’t sick anymore. Again, with people seeing me as the sick girl. I hated that. I didn’t want to be labeled that by anyone especially Nate.
“I’m not sick . . . I am clear of any cancer,” I said the words lifting my eyes to meet his. “I have been for almost four years. “
He frowned and studied me a moment. Like he didn’t understand anything I’d just said.
The door behind me opened. I turned to see Eli. “You good?”
He was worried. We’d been out here longer than I expected. Eli had probably been pacing in front of the door waiting on me to return. He was good like that. He hadn’t once treated me like the sick girl. Even when I had no hair and spent my days too sick to keep down food.
“We’re fine,” I assured him.
He didn’t look convinced but he waited a second then reluctantly closed the door. He’d want a complete recap of this and I wouldn’t be able to give it to him. I couldn’t tell him I’d kissed another woman’s fiancé. Because he’d expect me to feel remorse. Admit my fault. And I couldn’t. If it was anyone else, I would, but not Nate. First, he’d been mine, not Octavia’s.
“I know you’re clear of cancer. Why are you telling me that now?”
Because he said I wasn’t easy. He wanted easy. Didn’t he remember what he had said? “You said I was scary and you wanted easy.”
His eyes looked sad as my words sank in. Then he took a step toward me and I didn’t move back this time. I was deciding I might not care about the fact he wasn’t free. I was a hussy. Or at least becoming one.
“That’s not what I meant,” he replied. “My life . . . the way I feel for you is intense. It’ll never be easy.”
“So you want to feel what?”
“Free. Without attachment.”
He wanted to feel nothing. He didn’t want to chance the pain to experience the great. He was a coward. He didn’t love Octavia. He loved how simple it was with her. She was never around and she didn’t seem to want to talk to him much. That wasn’t a relationship. That wasn’t what my parents had. And I wanted what they had. Every girl dreamed of that kind of devotion.
“Then there’s nothing left to say,” I replied.
I should have turned and went back inside then. Left him without saying anything more. Made a grand exit. But I stood there. Because I knew once I walked away that was it. I may never see him again and I just couldn’t let him go yet.
“I’m sorry,” were his choice words.
“Me too, Nate Finlay.” Then I forced my feet to move, my heart to let go and my brain to shut up. Getting inside was vital. I didn’t trust my mouth not to blurt out something I’d regret. Something stupid, like begging him to love me. To just try. That was something he should want to do. Not something I should have to beg for. My mother was the center of my father’s world. They loved us kids but we knew they adored each other. It gave us security and also showed us what the “real thing” was supposed to look like.
One day I’d find a man to love me that way. As much as my heart wished it were Nate, I knew it wasn’t. And that was going to hurt for a very long time.