“Can I come closer?”
Shay nodded, so I walked up behind her and put my arms around her. We stood at Celia’s feet, I imagined. I didn’t like the idea of standing on her head. I hoped that Celia knew Shay and I were together, connected by her, and through ourselves. I dipped my hand into my pocket and pulled out my stone.
I stepped to the side and held out my hand. “I’ve been carrying this around for a long time.” I flipped the stone over. Tulips. “I wrote that when I saw the tulips at Butchart Gardens on Vancouver Island. I took out my phone to call your mom and tell her about them and—”
“And you couldn’t.”
“And I started to cry.”
“In front of other people?”
“A lot of people. But I didn’t care. I had to make it all mean something. The new job, the traveling. I couldn’t believe I was doing so much and your mom wasn’t part of it. So I took this stone from the ground. I knew one day I’d leave the stone here as proof.”
“That you never stopped thinking about her.”
“Ever. Even when it doesn’t seem like it.”
“Go ahead, Aunt Tee.”
“Do you want to do it?”
“I think you should.”
“Are you sure?”
“You don’t want to do it, do you? You don’t want to touch it or go closer. It’s really not so bad. At least it’s something real.”
I placed the stone on top of the marker, the word facing down. No one else needed to know what it said. Or that I’d left it. I stepped back to Shay and held her hand.
“I came here to tell her Daddy is getting married on Sunday. Do you think she already knows?”
I nodded.
“I knew you weren’t going to marry Daddy, Aunt Tee. But…”
“It seemed like a good idea?”
“Sometimes. I just don’t want to forget about her, and Violet doesn’t know anything about her.”
“She can. You can tell her. I can tell her. Violet loves you, Shay. She doesn’t want to take your mom from you. I promise.”
“That’s what she says.”
“You should believe her. She’s a good one. I can tell.”
Shay turned and looked at me. “You like her?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Do you think my mom would be okay with all of this?”
“Yes,” I said.
“How can you be so sure?”
I gulped and remembered my dream. “She told me.”
Shay just nodded.
“Do you think you’re going to marry that guy? Simon?” Shay furrowed her brows.
“I don’t know.”
But I did know. Not once while I was looking for Shay or standing with her in the cemetery had I thought of reaching out to Simon. Not once had I heard his voice inside my head whispering words of encouragement or pictured his face for strength and comfort.
Cameron was right. I didn’t love Simon.
Three cars doors slammed. Neither Shay nor I turned around.
“Everybody okay?”
Shay nodded and walked into a hug with Miles. Violet joined them.
Thank you, Violet mouthed to me.
Beck stood off to the side.
Shay looked at me and waved. “I think we burned the cookies.”
Miles and Shay walked ahead to the car.
“This has been a long road,” Violet said.
“She loves you,” Teddi said.
“I know she does, and I’m grateful for that every day.”
“I can tell.”
“Coming?” Violet said to Beck.
“No. I’ll ride back with Teddi.”
“Wait!” I ran over to Shay and grabbed her hands. “Strawberry ChapStick.”
“You want some? I have it in my pocket.”
“No, that’s not what I mean. That’s what she smelled like, Shay. Your mom. She smelled like Strawberry Chapstick. Just like you.”
Chapter 20
BECK SAID NOTHING. I said nothing. Again.
We walked into Nettie’s and Beck settled into the corner of the settee in the foyer.
“Sit down, please.” His voice was soft, yet stern.
I gulped away hesitation as I sat in the opposite corner. If only the cushion between us were enough space to muffle my thrashing heart.
“Shay really scared you, didn’t she?”
“I never felt anything like that before.” And I hadn’t. “I had no idea where she was and I imagined the most horrible things.”
“You know it’s not your fault, right?”
“How can you say that?”
“Because you didn’t push her out the door, Teddi Bear.”
I bent my neck, stared at my hands in my lap, and clenched my lips to keep the sounds inside. I’d cried in front of, and with, Beck countless times. But that was then. We were different then. I was different then.
“Do you want to tell me what you said to her?”
I shook my head. My hair flung onto my face. Beck reached over and pushed the hair away and left his hand on my cheek. He stared at me. I looked away but I knew he was still staring. He slid closer. I counted to ten inside my head and then laid my head on Beck’s chest, on the space I’d left behind. I indulged myself and rested heavily on him, releasing any resistance. He wrapped his arms around me.
Minutes passed. We stayed silent as the past crept into the present, threatening to tangle up the future. We stayed still as it relinquished its claim.
I looked up and sat against the back of the couch, Beck’s arm still around me. “What happened to you while I was gone?”
“I got arrested.”
“No you didn’t.” I waved my hand, dismissing his ruse.
“I did. I went to a bachelor party and was too damn stubborn to let the designated driver take me home. It was too soon after Cee for me to be out partying. I got a DUI.”
“Was anyone hurt?”
“No.”
“Is that when you stopped calling?”
“I stopped before that, because you didn’t answer me. But that was a wake-up call. I lost my driver’s license and had to come back from Columbus and move in with my parents, and they drove me where I needed to go. AA meetings, mostly, over in Tuckerton. Otherwise, I walked everywhere. That’s easy here. As you know.” I just shook my head.
“You being out of the picture really was the least of my problems at that point, Teddi. If it hadn’t happened, and I hadn’t moved back, I wouldn’t have the relationship I do with Miles and Shay, and I wouldn’t have bought the inn, and both have been good for me. Even when I moved back to Columbus, I knew where my anchor was.”
“You’re lucky.” I gasped. “I didn’t mean that.”
“I get it. And you’re right.”
“So, you’re okay?”
“I will be in about five seconds.”
Beck kissed me twice, but didn’t linger.
I pulled back gently. “Why didn’t anyone tell me what was going on with you? Miles could’ve told me. Your parents could’ve told me.”
“I didn’t want them to. It wasn’t their story to tell, it was mine.”
“I wish I’d known. Maybe…”
“You couldn’t have stopped anything from happening. Just like you couldn’t have stopped Shay. If she didn’t do this tonight, it might have been tomorrow night, or when Miles and Violet are on their honeymoon. Shay likes to be near her mother, which is fine, except she can’t go there without telling anyone, and she knows that. None of it is your fault. You have to trust me.”
“Still, I wish someone would’ve told me. About you.”