“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”
“I promise I’ll work on having more friends if you’ll promise the same thing.”
“Stay here, Aunt Tee. I don’t want you to leave. We’re friends. Best friends. You said so. You gave me my mom’s necklace.”
I moved next to Shay. “I’ll see you tomorrow night. Violet said she’s going to go out with her sister so you and I can have a girls’ night in. Sounds great, right?”
“I mean don’t leave and go back to San Francisco!”
“I’m not going to leave forever, Shay. Those days are over. I’ll be back a few times a year or more, and I’ve already mentioned to your dad about you coming out to San Fran to visit. You’ll love it there.”
“But I don’t want you to leave.”
“I know you don’t. But when school starts you’re going to be super busy. You’re going to keep taking art classes, you’ll be studying for your bat mitzvah, and you’ll be figuring out this whole new family with your dad and Violet. She loves you, Shay. And I love that.”
Shay rolled her eyes.
“Your mom would want you to give Violet a break.”
“How do you know?”
“Because your mom always wanted what was best for you.” And for me.
“If my mom wanted what was best for me she wouldn’t have died.”
I heard a tap on the door and then it opened. Shay slammed shut her sketchbook and shoved it under her pillow.
“I don’t mean to be a party pooper,” Violet said, “but it’s getting late and Shay has an early class tomorrow. Plus, your dad’s on his way home from that campaign event and I’m sure he’ll want to tell us about it. You two can continue this tomorrow night. Okay, Shay?”
“Whatever.”
Chapter 18
THE DREAM ENDED. I knew it would. That’s the downside to being awake inside a dream: you know the end, the curb, the cliff, is coming and that there’s nothing you can do to stop the inevitable except wake up, which in this case, wasn’t what I wanted at all.
I’d talked to Celia.
Celia’s voice had been her voice. Celia’s face had her face. She’d talked to me, she’d given advice. We’d laughed. I swore my side hurt.
I’m not even sure she was alive in my dream but I’d talked to her, on the phone—one with a cord. Was there one like that here? Now? I looked around. No. But I was sure of it. I rubbed my arm where I’d wrapped the pink cord around it. There were no marks.
“You sound good,” she’d said.
“You too.”
“It’s okay, I promise…”
Her voice faded. Then my memory of the words faded as well. I squeezed my eyes tight as the images grew smaller. Me on the bed, Celia on—on what? A chair. A rocking chair. I was watching her on the phone talking to me. What was okay? What I’d done? What I hadn’t done? Or where she was? I opened my eyes and lay there, my hair across my face, my arms wrapped around me under the comforter.
Don’t go yet.
I waited to be sad and instead, I smiled. I couldn’t help it. I covered my face with my hands and shook my head, then I placed my hands together as if in prayer and slid them between my cheek and my pillow. I was calm, my limbs heavy and warm.
I felt as if I’d talked to my best friend.
I sighed, mindful of Celia’s fresh footprint on my heart.
Or maybe it was a swift kick.
*
I flung open Perk’s door like I was late for an appointment. Just in case I saw someone I knew, which was more than likely, I stopped and adjusted the waist of my dress and smoothed my hair, ran my tongue over my teeth to insure I’d brushed them, as if the minty freshness wasn’t enough of a clue. The coffee aroma filled my nose and I heard the ticking of the wall clock I’d never noticed before, as well as the swish of the espresso machines, matched by the shuffle of the few newspapers.
Today’s score: sensory overload, one; Teddi, zero.
I hurried into a line three people deep. I turned around and looked for Josie in the clusters of coffee and tea drinkers. We hadn’t planned to meet, but she ended up at Perk almost every morning either post-run or pre-work or just because. It was almost nine; maybe Cameron would be free after his shift and sit with me. I reached into my pockets, touched my stone with one finger, and shimmied my dress a little lower on my waist, adjusting the neckline accidentally on purpose.
I stepped to the counter and in front of a teenaged barista. Not Cameron the man-barista.
“Welcome to Perk! How can I perk you up today?”
“Uh.” I glanced to her left and then her right. “Uh. Oh, sorry. I’m just … is Cameron Davis working this morning?”
The barista smiled but shook her head. “Nope.”
“Oh, okay. I thought he worked mornings.”
“Not today!” She said it with what I now believed was the mandatory Perk perkiness.
“Do you know if he’s working tomorrow morning? I’m just curious.”
“Nope!”
“Okay, then.” Thank you for absolutely no information whatsoever. “Espresso macchiato. Two shots. Can I leave a message for him?”
“For who?”
“For Cameron.”
“No need. Just turn around.”
No. I turned around as a generic please-don’t-let-me-look-like-a-fool prayer dashed through my thoughts. Whew.
The door was closing behind Cameron and Deanna as they stepped into the coffee shop. I waved, they waved, and I turned back to Ms. Perky and paid my $3.50 in penance.
I sipped and read the same issue, perhaps the only issue, of the Chance Gazette. I’d almost memorized it when Cameron walked over, cup in hand. Deanna followed.
“Hi, Teddi, this is my sister, Deanna.” He looked at me as if to say, You know, the one you darted away from when you saw her with Beck. “Deanna, this is Teddi Lerner.”
“Nice to meet you, Deanna.” I stood and shook her hand.
“Nice to meet you, too. How does it feel to be back in Chance?”
I opted for honesty. “It feels good. And a little strange.”
“I love it here for me and Morgan but I bet it doesn’t compare to San Francisco.”
“San Francisco’s a great city, that’s true.”
“The restaurants, the Bay, Chinatown, Fisherman’s Wharf, the views…”
“It’s a wonderful place to work.”
“You do a lot of traveling, too.” Deanna rolled her eyes. “Chance must feel like a step back in time. Bet you can’t wait to get back to real life.”
“We should go, Dee. See you soon, Teddi?” Cameron tapped my arm once, and I nodded.
“It was so nice to finally meet Cam’s crush,” Deanna said.
Cameron shook his head. “My sister has a big mouth. Gotta love her, though. She’s keeping a roof over my head this summer.”
I chuckled, softened by Deanna’s familiarity and Cameron’s playfulness. I turned to Deanna. “Cameron told me that I broke his eight-year-old heart. I apologized profusely, I promise.”
“His eight-year-old heart too? Is that so?” She winked at me and nudged her brother. “I had no idea.”
*