“I’m okay.”
He shielded his eyes with his hand, scanned the water far below. “They must be Red Sox fans up here. And Patriot fans, since they got no other teams. Must be strange rooting for teams so far away.”
I nodded, said nothing. Sal blew smoke.
“Place like this, makes you think, though,” he said. “Clears your mind. You think about your life, everything. Mistakes you made. Bad shit you’ve done. I’ve done some things, nothing major, but things nonetheless.”
“We’ve all done things,” I mumbled.
“What?”
“We all have regrets.”
“Oh yeah? What’d you have to regret? What, you stooped that woman? That don’t make you a bad person, don’t make you evil or nothing. I told Mary, that was a mistake. She should have given you a pass on that. I told her that. You get one pass on that issue, I think. Men are men.”
“You never did that.”
“Jesus, Sally, she’d cut my balls off.”
I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees. “I’ve done other things.”
He chuckled. “You? The professor? Yeah, like what? Cheat on your taxes?”
“I could have looked harder for a place closer to home. Maybe they were right; maybe I was trying to find a place as far away as possible. I didn’t think it at the time, but that’s maybe what I was doing. I was doing this for myself.”
“So, that’s all you got? That’s your big crime? Finding a place that cost, what, a hundred grand for your son? Best place in the country. That’s all you got?”
“I’ve done other things.”
“Yeah?”
I continued to look straight ahead, down at the water. “When he was about eight, he almost died.”
“Who? Ethan?”
“Yes.”
“Yeah, I remember that. He had that thing. That attack, that thing.”
“Seizure.”
“Yeah. We were all worried.”
“I remember waiting in the hospital, wondering if he was going to live. And for a second, a second…” I couldn’t finish that sentence.
“And for a second, you thought it might be best if he just went, end all the suffering,” Sal said.
I opened my eyes, looked at him.
“You were thinking it would maybe easier for him, maybe for everyone.”
“Yes.” I choked back sudden tears. “How did you know that?”
“Because that’s maybe what I would have thought.”
“What kind of father thinks that? What kind of man thinks that?”
“You thought that, you didn’t wish that. Big difference.” Sal squinted out over the harbor, dropped his cigar, stepped on it. “You know,” he said. “You gotta take it easy on yourself. You did everything you could, John, everything you could.”
“I should have done more.”
“Here.” He put his arm around me, and I buried my head in his shoulder, wept like a boy. “Come on. Get ahold of yourself. No one’s dying here. Sun’s out. We’re in fucking Maine. We’re going on boat tonight. I’m bringing lobster on board. Nine-hundred-bucks’ worth. Cleaned the ocean out; they got nothing left down there.”
I sat back up, sniffled. “I’m not leaving him.”
“John.”
“No. I’m not.”
And that was when I told him my new plan. Looking back on it, I suspect it was my Overall Plan all along.
*
We met everyone back at the inn late in the day. Mary and Sally looked wiped out, their faces pale and blank, but the girls didn’t seem much worse for wear. Mindy was wearing a new blue-and-white Ocean View sweatshirt with a picture of a sailboat.
“Got it from a nun.” She shrugged. “She wanted my Bud Light hat.”
When Ethan stepped out of the van, he was all smiles, and I hugged him like I had never hugged him before.
“Hi! Dad! How. Are. You?”
“Good. I’m good, Ethan. Did you like Ocean View? Play some hoops up there?”
“Yes!”
Karen handed me a file thick with papers. “You have to sign some things,” she said. “They need them tomorrow.”
I took the file. “How did it go?”
“Great,” Karen said. “He likes it. Likes his room. Seemed like he liked everything. I think it’s going to be okay.”
I gave her a hug. “Thanks. Thanks for doing that. Thank you.” Then I hugged Mindy. “You too. You too.” Karen smiled, but Mindy’s eyes started to mist. She quickly walked away.
“I’m beat,” Sally said. She had her arm around Mary’s waist as they walked into the inn. I took Ethan by the hand and followed.
“I got the sailboat!” Sal yelled out behind us. “At six. Sunset cruise. It’ll be nice. Don’t be late or I’ll leave without you.”
*
I thought I would take Ethan swimming, but as soon as we got back to my room, he climbed into bed and pulled the sheet over himself. While this wasn’t totally unexpected—midday naps weren’t uncommon for him back home—I was still surprised.
“Don’t you want to go swimming?”
“Sleep.”
“Really? You sure?”
“Sleep.”
“Okay.” I pulled off his shoes, then sat on the bed and studied his face. When I tried to brush back his hair, he pushed my hand away.