Once she was cleaned up and dressed, Jessie went to their door. Pausing, she glanced back at him still on the floor in front of the fire, completely naked and completely beautiful. Knowing she wasn’t returning until the morning, she whispered, “Goodnight, Kai.”
He finally looked at her, and Jessie was surprised to see tears on his cheeks. “Goodnight, Jessie.” His voice was scratchy, like he was barely containing the emotion warring within him. And she could clearly see the emotion now. He did love her…and it was killing him. It was killing them both.
Closing the door, blocking out the devastating grief on his face, Jessie wondered who it was that had said all the world needed was love? Apparently that person had never been in a situation like hers before. An absence of love was what Jessie needed.
Kai ran his hands down his face, and was surprised to find his cheeks damp. Had that really just happened? Had he really just made love to his cousin, or had he fallen asleep in front of the fire, and all of that had just been some horrible, yet wonderful dream? If his spent body wasn’t telling him that he’d—once again—had the best orgasm of his life, he probably could have convinced himself it was just a fantasy, but he wasn’t so demented that he could delude himself in that way.
It hadn’t been a dream. He really had been thrusting into Jessie. He’d listened to her cry out in ecstasy, felt her body clench around him as she came. And he’d released inside of her. Right now, she was carrying a part of him within her. The thought made his stomach feel like it had just been sliced open.
Standing, Kai glanced down at his limp, fulfilled body. At least one of them was happy about this. Shaking his head, he closed his eyes and debated having another heart to heart with his seemingly independent male parts. He’d already told that stubborn piece of equipment that it couldn’t have her. Of all the times to rebel…this was the worst.
Running a hand through his hair, Kai stared into the fire. No, he couldn’t separate his body into warring factions like that. The truth was…he’d wanted her, heart and soul, head to toe. He loved her so much he wanted that to happen every night. He wanted to hold her afterwards, kiss her, fall asleep in her arms. Warm, safe…content. He wanted to go slowly with her, take his time making love to her. He wanted to drape her across that damn clichéd animal rug and explore every perfect inch of her.
But it was wrong to feel that way, wrong to want those things. It went against everything he was comfortable with. It filled him with self-loathing. Why couldn’t he be stronger? Why couldn’t he turn away from her? Why couldn’t he shut off his feelings whenever she was near him? He knew he needed to do that somehow, and he also knew that if he really couldn’t…then he couldn’t stay near her anymore.
Sighing, he shuffled to the bathroom. Kai needed to shower. Having the lingering scent of her on his body was too much to bear. Even still, as he turned on the water, he took a deep inhale, savoring her fragrance on his skin. As much as he wanted to get rid of every trace of her, he also wanted to keep it with him forever.
Annoyed at his body’s constant emotional tug of war, Kai glanced at himself in the mirror. He could just see the edge of his tattoo curling around his collar bone. Jessie loved his tattoo, loved that it was something only she knew about. Even something he’d done as a teenager, as a rite of passage with his friends, now reminded him of her. Would anything not remind him of her now? Kai ran his fingers over the black ink as he remembered his past and contemplated his future. He didn’t know what to do. For the first time in his life, Kai had no idea what direction to go. Stay? Leave? Ignore her again? Continue their friendship? Somehow.
Seeing the hot steam escaping the open shower door, Kai figured he could start with that. Stepping into it, he sighed in relief. The scalding water pummeling him helped ease the tension in his aching muscles; being surrounded by his favorite substance helped ease his spinning mind. Right at that moment, Kai wished he were back home. He could listen to the surf for hours, could paddle out into the water early in the morning when no one else was around, and could work through his problems with only Mother Nature as his companion. Of course, when he was back at home, his biggest problem had been deciding which twin he should ask to prom. God, how he wished he could return to the easy questions.