I was petrified when he’d first told me I could speak to anyone who came to see me, but he’d reassured me it was safe. He’d allow only certain people to visit. Nevertheless I knew one of those people would be Sister Lilith. However, ever since the day she’d upset me, she never came alone. Sister Ruth, Brother Daniel’s wife, came with her. I didn’t know if that was Jacob’s doing or not, but I liked Sister Ruth, and the extra company. She didn’t say much. But she was a hugger and always smelled like vanilla. By the way she swallowed my shoulders in her embrace, I believed she was a bigger woman. I might not remember this life, and I’d figured out that women could be freer with their speech with one another than with men, but I knew asking about someone’s weight or size wasn’t appropriate. I didn’t want to offend her. With her present, Sister Lilith never mentioned the accident or my impending punishment. She talked about my position as an Assembly wife and about the importance of my remembering Father Gabriel’s teachings, and we studied.
At first I studied out of curiosity. I wanted to understand our world better. As time passed I found myself desiring to learn more.
“Sara?”
“Sorry. Yes, I’ve been listening to them, a lot. It’s the only noise I have when I’m all alone. I like listening to Father Gabriel’s voice. He’s so knowledgeable. And listening to him and doing my training with Sister Lilith, well, it all makes sense. I guess.”
“You guess?”
“I just wonder why I can’t remember any of it. I mean, it’s very interesting and some of it’s pretty deep. It seems like something I shouldn’t forget.”
“You shouldn’t!” Elizabeth said lightheartedly. “That’s why you’re listening and working with Sister Lilith, so you won’t.”
“Oh, Elizabeth, please tell me something, something about anything outside of this room. I’m going stir-crazy in here. Now that I can walk, I can’t wait to get home.”
“Well, this time of year, there isn’t a lot outside, but the northern lights sure have been gorgeous.”
“Northern lights?”
“You know, the colorful bands of light in the sky, the aurora borealis.”
“Um, yes. I think so.”
“Sara, they’re beautiful. It’s the best part of the dark season . . .”
I tried to picture what Elizabeth described as she went on about the colors. Apparently the lights are usually a brilliant yellow-green, but lately they’d been red, blue, and even purple. The excitement in her voice made them sound even more beautiful. Though I imagined their radiance, I longed for the time when I’d be able to truly see them.
If they’re that visible, why don’t I remember them?
“I thought you needed to be north to see those?” I asked when she paused.
“You do, silly. I don’t think many people are farther north than us—”
The door opened and Elizabeth stood. My pulse quickened as she reached for my arm. Her hand trembled as she silently helped me stand. I was about to ask who was here, when he spoke.
“Sister Sara, Sister Elizabeth.”
I gasped and grabbed Elizabeth’s arm for support. For a moment I feared falling as my knees weakened. I knew the voice; I’d been listening to it for hours a day. Father Gabriel was in my room. As I tried to reason, I realized I was wearing only a nightgown and robe, mere feet from our leader. Bashfully I pulled the lapels closer together.
What am I supposed to do? Do I kneel or curtsy? I don’t know.
“Father,” Elizabeth replied.
“Sister Elizabeth, it’s nice to see you helping your sister.”
“Yes, Father.”
“And Sister Sara, you’re standing. Our God is good to help you heal.” He reached for my hand and held it as he said, “I heard you were feeling better, and I wanted to see for myself.”
“F-Father Gabriel, thank you.”
“It’s all right, Sister, you may sit. You’re suddenly pale. Perhaps you’re not well.”
I felt back for the chair and replied, “Father, I’m just surprised.”
“You knew me. You remembered my voice.”
Oh! When Jacob gave me permission to talk to anyone who visited my room, I was certain he hadn’t anticipated Father Gabriel. Yet I’d already spoken and I couldn’t refuse Father Gabriel, could I?
“I’ve been listening to your sermons. I’ve been hearing your voice throughout my days.”
“That’s very good news. However, I’d hoped your memory was returning.”
I lowered my chin and moved my head from side to side. “No, I’m sorry. I’m trying.”
“That’s what I’ve heard, Sister. That’s all we can ask. I came today to personally invite you back to service. I know you’ve been working with Sisters Lilith and Ruth, but I miss seeing you seated with the Assembly wives. I think it’s time that your seat is filled.”
“Yes, Father.”
“Very good. I’ll see you tonight.”
“Tonight?”
Someone else had entered my room with Father Gabriel, though whoever it was hadn’t spoken, and I didn’t know his identity. But by his sharp intake of breath, I knew it was a man.
Oh, shit. Did I just question Father Gabriel?
“Tonight,” I repeated more confidently, “will be wonderful, with my husband’s permission.” The drumming of my heart echoed in my ears as I tried to decipher whether I’d saved myself, or made it worse.
Do I need my husband’s permission, or does Father Gabriel’s invitation supersede Jacob’s orders?
“Very good, Sister. It seems as though Brother Jacob was correct, you’re relearning the ways of The Light well. Sister Elizabeth, you may assist Sister Sara during this evening’s service.”
“Yes, Father,” Elizabeth replied, “with my husband’s permission, I’d be happy to.”
When she reached down and squeezed my hand, I exhaled. I’d said that right.
“We’ll leave you ladies to your devotions. Tonight.”