He held a straw to my lips. As I sipped, the water moistened my throat, helping me wash down the oatmeal he’d been feeding me. I’d obediently accepted each spoonful but I hadn’t liked it. It was warm and slightly sweet, but it was also thick, too thick to drink and yet not thick enough to chew. Thankfully, it hadn’t been my only food. I’d also had a banana and toast and had even been allowed to hold them and feed myself. As I continued sipping the water, he spoke.
“I’m going to need to leave soon for Assembly. I wanted to talk to Sister Lilith, to remind her that you’re still not cleared to speak. I’ll talk with Raquel, and she can relay my message. I don’t want her trying to . . . well, even if she tells you that you’re cleared to speak, remember that I said no.”
I had no intention of speaking with Sister Lilith, though I was becoming increasingly curious about what she planned to say. Since Jacob and I were still alone, I whispered, “I promise, I won’t speak.” I got the feeling that this training made him as uncomfortable as it did me. If we were fighting on the same side, I wanted to reassure him that my compliance wasn’t in question. “I’ve given everything you’ve told me a lot of thought. You can trust me to do as you’ve said.” I reached to find his hand. Once I found it, I added, “I hope you already do . . . trust me, I mean. After all, we’re married. You trusted me enough to ask me to be your wife, didn’t you?” I was fishing for more about our past.
He cleared his throat. “Um, yes.”
I didn’t know what his answer meant, but I tried for more. “May I continue?”
“Sara, we have rules, not just my rules—the community’s rules, The Light’s rules. I’m sure reminding you of some of those will be part of Sister Lilith’s plan.”
“OK.”
“Tell me you remember them. After all, we’ve lived and abided by The Light for a while now.”
How long is a while? I pressed my lips together and lowered my chin. “I’m sorry, I don’t. I want to.” I did. I wanted to understand the world around me.
“That’s why it’s better to listen when Sister Lilith is here. Be cautious of what you agree to or disagree with. She and Brother Timothy have been very suspicious of what preceded your accident. I don’t want her interpreting your lack of memory as guilt.”
A sheen of perspiration coated my freshly washed skin. “B-but,” I stuttered, “I really don’t remember. Please.” I squeezed his hand. “You answered their questions before. What you said, that’s all I know. Tell me what happened.”
“I will, but not yet.”
“Why?”
Jacob sighed. “One strictly enforced rule was put into place by Father Gabriel to teach patience. That’s one of the reasons so many of us follow him. He has answers, reasons behind each decree. He didn’t create the rules for The Light arbitrarily; each one has meaning and purpose. As I said, this rule teaches that patience is a virtue. God’s word instructs men to marry virtuous women. Therefore all women of The Light, such as yourself, are forbidden from questioning men, including your husband. This teaches you, and all the women, patience. Answers will be revealed in God’s time, not yours.”
I tried to understand. “You’re saying that I can’t ask you what happened? I’m supposed to wait until you tell me?”
“Yes,” he said with a laugh. Kissing the top of my head, he added, “You do realize that was a question, yes?”
The corners of my lips moved upward. “No, I mean, now I do.” I let go of his hand as my smile faded. “Does that mean you’re going to . . . correct me?”
He reached for my hand. “I wish we had more time to discuss this right now.” His thumb slowly moved in a circle, caressing my knuckles. “We originally learned all of this together. That was easier than explaining it now. It feels like I’m introducing you to a whole new way of life when in truth we chose this path together. Do you remember yesterday when I told you that I’d accepted responsibility for you?”
I nodded, trying unsuccessfully to stop my slight trembling.
“Part of that responsibility,” he continued, “includes recognizing that not all violations are equal.” He leaned closer and his body warmed my side. When he lifted my hand to his lips, my shaking stilled. Instead of correction, he was delivering gentle kisses to the tops of my knuckles. “Sara, whether you recall the particulars or not, we have a good marriage. You’re not abused; you’re disciplined. Correction is never done in anger. Father Gabriel teaches that men must lead. It’s our job, how we were created. Taking responsibility for you is required, but you and I love one another and I accepted that challenge willingly. I do what I need to do to help you and make your life easier. Correction defines your boundaries, giving you the freedom to feel safe. Since the delivery of the correction, as well as the mode, is up to me, I can also decide when there are exceptions, times when correction isn’t necessary. Part of my responsibility is to decipher intent.” He lifted my chin. “I don’t think that a moment ago you intended to question again, did you?”
I shook my head. “No, I didn’t.”