To survive I needed to convince myself that I could reclaim my life. No matter how hard I wished, my current situation wasn’t a dream or even a nightmare—if it were, I could wake and it would be over. So far three days and nights had passed and I was still here, in Sara’s life.
During the last night, I had awakened to the sound of Jacob’s steady breathing. Knowing he was asleep, I lay awake thinking about everything. I thought about the things that people took for granted and vowed to myself that in the future, I’d value the mundane knowledge that most people never questioned. I would, because I now knew what it was like to have it outside my reach. Simple, basic facts were gone. I couldn’t recall my own reflection, the color of my eyes or hair, or the shape of my face. My birthday and even my age were mysteries. I didn’t know if I had family, other than Jacob, though I assumed that if we had children he would’ve mentioned them, especially during some part of his responsibility discussion.
Sadly, I didn’t know me.
Yet there were some aspects of this life that had felt clear. Like Raquel and Elizabeth. With them everything seemed right, as if I were safe. The opposite was true about the strange people with titles that seemed unfamiliar. Merely the mention of their names and the brother and sister references caused my chest to tighten and pulse to quicken. Though I couldn’t recall my past, the anxiety those people and their power instilled in me was palpably real.
Jacob remained unclear. As I had listened to his breathing, knowing that he was once again sleeping with his head upon my bed, I’d found myself conflicted by his dichotomy. His presence, even in sleep, gave me a sense of protection from the outside world. With him near, I didn’t fear the Commission, Dr. Newton, or even the apparently all-powerful Father Gabriel. Jacob was my husband and my protector. And yet a sense of uncertainty also nagged at my soul. Yes, he kept me safe from everything outside our bubble—it was inside our bubble that concerned me.
Due to my injuries my options were limited, but they did exist. Jacob had made that clear. I could obey his and Father Gabriel’s rules or disobey them—it was up to me. In my darkened world, I decided to do my best to obey. I definitely had issues with what I was obeying, with how my husband believed he had the right to exercise complete domination at his discretion. I didn’t understand how I’d gotten to this point or why I’d agreed to this in the past. However, the large gaps—really, gaping caverns—in my memory gave me hope. I must’ve had a reason. Apparently at one time I’d willingly chosen him and this life. I must have seen more to my husband. Maybe if I learned to think like Sara, I could figure out how to survive.
Following Dr. Newton’s examination, I’d admittedly been overwhelmed. I had been rendered powerless to communicate, my emotions too jumbled to articulate. At that time, my body began to surrender, but as I drifted toward nothingness, my mind fought back. During my outburst I’d learned something about myself. I’d learned that I was a survivor, not a quitter, and I wouldn’t quit fighting.
My verbal tirade had come from the depths of panic. If I wanted to win my fight—if I wanted not only to survive, but to recover and remember—I needed to battle smarter.
My first goal was to get stronger. And as I did, I needed to understand my battlefield. Lashing out in the darkness wasn’t, and wouldn’t be, successful. I needed to size up my opponents, distinguish my allies from my enemies, and learn the rules of my new war.
Jacob believed I already knew his and Father Gabriel’s rules, and he expected me to follow them. I’d obey as long as those rules helped me heal and gain strength. Plus, admittedly, I didn’t want to fight alone. I needed allies in this strange world. It seemed clear that my battle would be better fought with Jacob than against him.
I’d heard his determination when he answered Brother Timothy and Sister Lilith’s questions, and when he argued with Dr. Newton. I’d also felt his slap—his correction.
Jacob stood strong for what he believed, and he believed that I was his wife, Sara. He was willing to fight for that. I was going to fight to discover myself. If I truly was Sara, then we were striving for the same thing.
Since my eyes were covered and my speaking was restricted, my battle plan was to concentrate on surveillance. I’d spend my days as a sponge, absorbing everything around me. In many ways sight blinded people to the truth, and in my current condition I wasn’t preoccupied by appearances or visual distractions. The bandages allowed me to go beyond the surface and hear the true intentions of those around me.
“Sara,” Jacob said, pulling me from my thoughts and back to the present.