"Look at what you’ve done with your life. You set out as a child to fulfill a dream, and you have succeeded. How can any two parents who love their daughter as much as we do not be proud of that?” My mom looks me in the eyes and smiles. Her smile is genuine and kind. It’s the greatest thing I’ve seen in a long time, and her words mean more than she'll ever know.
“It’s true. Hell, I brag about you all the time to the guys at the restaurant. Every morning over coffee and those chocolate-covered glazed donuts you used to love. None of the bastards have a thing on my ass. My daughter’s in The Special Forces.”
“You’ve followed my career,” I say, stunned as I watch my father stand as well.
“Of course we have. Shit, Jade. We love you so much. I don't want us to dwell on the past. Not with the future that lies ahead of us, and not with these Marlins kicking some ass today.” I run my finger down the condensation on the glass bottle of my beer, hiding the laugh or the rest of the tears that want to burst out of me.
My mom wraps her arms around me and pulls me back toward the couch. We sit and enjoy the game for a few more minutes before she asks who needs another beer. I follow her to the kitchen, while my father stays behind. "Maybe we can spend a day together soon, just the two of us women." She's smiling the largest smile I can imagine from her. She looks truly at peace and happy right now, and I wonder how she hides it so well. She has to hurt still, because I do.
"I'd like that, mom." I sit on the bar stool and watch as she wipes down every already clean counter and wrings out the rag in the sink.
"We could go shopping. Do you know how long it's been since I've bought clothes for myself?" I can only imagine. She never was one to fuss over herself. She raised all of us kids, making sure we had what we needed before she even thought of spending a dime on herself. Of course, my father came before her as well.
"Only if you let me treat you."
"Nonsense, Jade. Honestly, I just want to know that you're ok. You don't know how many times I've practiced what I'd say to you if I ever had the chance."
"Mom. I know." She has to know I've thought the same way. The way our last conversation ended had me dreading this, and I'm not too sure the years away weren’t exactly what we all needed. Jason never would've suggested it, but he didn't really have that choice.
"I went to his grave before I stopped here." She stops moving and stands with her back to me.
"I go every single day."
"I figured you did." She starts to retrace her pattern on the counters, it's how she deals with pain; she cleans and stays distracted as if it'll all go away if she never stops.
"Just tell me you won't follow in his footsteps all the way to the end, Jade. I just can't take it again." Her words choke me up, and I struggle to get my own past the huge lump in my throat.
"Mom, I won't. I promise." My words are a promise I fully plan to keep, but we both know the casualties of this career aren't always during a war on enemy territory. Sometimes the worst war is the one we have in our heads after we come back home. My brother battled with a decision he made for about six months before he chose to end the fight.
"Please just give me this, Jade, tell me you'll come to me before it gets that bad. Tell me you'll let me help you if you ever think like that. I can't bury a second child. It's your job to bury me." I know where she's coming from. I watch her through my own tears again and nod my head as soon as she finally looks up at me through her own. She sees my pain. I know she does, and the strength behind her hug when she wraps me up again in her arms tells me just that.
"Now that's enough crying. This is supposed to be a happy time. We should go to dinner or something. Let me call your brothers and see if they can make it in tonight."
"Mom, can we just stay in? You can tell them tomorrow I'm back and plan something next week. I just really want to spend time with you and dad right now." She smiles and moves to the refrigerator. She begins to talk as she pulls things out of the freezer for dinner.
"How does steak sound?"
"Perfect. I think I'm going to take a long, hot shower if you don't mind."
"Of course, Jade. You know where your room is." I slide off the bar stool and move down the hall, closing my eyes tightly as I pass Jason's room, swallowing the memories flooding my head as I do. It's strange to feel the strong pull to his room when I pass, but I know I'm not ready for that.
I let the hot water burn my skin and make the hurt inside dissipate just slightly as it does. I wish more than anything that I could talk to Jason right now about where my head is at. He would understand more than anyone; he's lived it. He knows what it's like to kill a child; after all, it consumed him for the last months of his life as he tried to overcome it and failed.
CHAPTER TWELVE
JADE