MINNIE Who does she think she is, calling me by my last name. Miss Mai. Miss Mai ass, skank. My real last name is Lefkowitz anyway. My father’s Jewish.
CHETLEY Get out! I’m a half-breed too. Half WASP, half Jewish. Jewish mother though. So technically, I’m more Jewish than you. Except I never had a bar mitzvah, so technically I’m not Jewish. I think. I told my parents that for my thirteenth birthday, instead of a bar mitzvah I wanted a private performance of “A Chorus Line” in our backyard. My parents were crazy-rich, so they basically bought me Donna McKechnie.
MINNIE I don’t know who that is, but mazel.
ANGIE (exiting changing room in a boldly printed caftan) This is the twenty-third dress I’ve tried on and nothing looks good.
SHARNAY Oh, stop. It looks good. If you’re hosting a key party.
CHETLEY Or if you’re married to Mister Roper. “Stanley, would you stop bothering those kids upstairs!”
MINNIE I don’t know who that is either.
CHETLEY You really need to brush up on your 1970s pop culture.
MINNIE I was born in 1992.
CHETLEY Sharnay, she was born—in the ’90s.
SHARNAY (to Chetley) I’m not deaf. (to Angie) You still haven’t tried on the orange satin sheath.
CHETLEY (to Angie) It’s gonna be fabulous! Back inside. And hurry!
Angie returns to changing room.
CHETLEY (CONT’D) 1992. I got my start in this business in 1992. It’s true. I was Christina Applegate’s stylist in “Married . . . With Children.” Fishnet tights with denim shorts? That was me. You’re welcome.
SHARNAY So, where were we? We know Juan Carlos is really Hector. (to Minnie) You’re a genius, by the way. But we still don’t know for sure if I slept with him.
MINNIE We’ll need to figure out another way to trick him. When were you with him?
SHARNAY Two years ago.
MINNIE Where?
SHARNAY Cabo San Lucas.
MINNIE I’m on it!
Minnie leaves.
Angie opens up dressing room door. She wears the orange dress and it fits perfectly.
ANGIE How’s this?
CHETLEY Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!
SHARNAY Yay! Orange you glad you tried that one on?
Chetley and Angie groan.
INT. HAIR AND MAKEUP SET – DAY CUT TO: Juan Carlos straightens up his hairstyling station. Fiona rifles through Minnie’s makeup station.
FIONA I see Minnie has set up her station after all. Quite an assortment.
(starts applying lipstick)
JUAN CARLOS You probably shouldn’t be doing that.
FIONA You probably shouldn’t be telling me what to do.
Minnie enters.
JUAN CARLOS You probably want to know that Minnie is right behind you.
MINNIE Hi!
FIONA I was just admiring your makeup assortment.
MINNIE That’s a pretty shade you chose. It’s called “Scarlet Fever.” Which is interesting because I used it just yesterday on a drag queen with really bad herpes.
FIONA (wiping mouth) Yuck.
MINNIE Oh, don’t worry. I always use disposable brushes. I’m kind of a cleanliness freak. (she wipes the top layer of lipstick off the tube) That’s why I don’t like anyone touching my things without asking.
FIONA I had high hopes for you, Miss Mai. Now I’m starting to question the network’s decision to hire you.
MINNIE I’m sorry to hear that but I assure you I’m a professional. And thank you for understanding about not using my supplies. (hesitates for a second) Especially not the brow gel.
FIONA The brow gel?
MINNIE This stuff. (picks up small tube) It’s very expensive. I have it shipped from Japan. I can only get one tube at a time through customs.
FIONA What’s so special about it?
MINNIE Well, it’s really easy to apply. And it makes for perfect eyebrows every time. And I always keep it right here. (puts tube down very deliberately) FIONA Good to know. I’m going to check up on Sharnay and Chetley. How long does it take to find one stupid dress?
Fiona exits.
MINNIE That chick hates me.
JUAN CARLOS Like a Puerto Rican hates birth control. (pause) I’m Puerto Rican. I can say those things. What’s up?
MINNIE Not much. I was just thinking about my next vacation.
JUAN CARLOS Interesting thing to do on your first day of work.
MINNIE Never too early to start planning for a good time, I always say. Where do you think I should go?
JUAN CARLOS What kind of vacation do you want?
MINNIE A sexy beach vacation.
JUAN CARLOS You could go to Thailand.
MINNIE Too far.
JUAN CARLOS There’s always Mexico.
MINNIE Yes, Mexico! Do you have a favorite part?
JUAN CARLOS I always have a good time in Cabo.
MINNIE I knew it! Cabo!
JUAN CARLOS I just realized I left my favorite hair dryer in the car. I’ll catch you later.
INT. CHANGING ROOM SET - LATER THAT DAY CUT TO: Sharnay and Chetley are sitting on the floor. Only Angie’s legs and feet are visible. She is trying, with little success, to walk in a pair of five-inch platform stilettos.
CHETLEY C’mon, Angie, you can do this!
ANGIE I can’t.
CHETLEY These heels are nothing! I styled someone in these exact shoes just last week. It was Ruth Ginsberg. She was doing a charity walkathon.
SHARNAY Try, Angie. Shoulders back, boobs out. (to Chetley quietly) This is more painful than watching a brain-damaged giraffe take its first steps.
Minnie enters. Sits on floor.
MINNIE (to Sharnay) He told me he always has fun in Cabo. You totally had sex with him! (to Chetley) And so did you! You know that saying: When you have sex with someone it’s like you’re having sex with everyone they’ve ever had sex with? Well, if that’s true, you two have totally done it with each other.
CHETLEY Please don’t tell me that. For the record, I just fooled around with him. A little bit of “eh.” And a little bit of “eh.” Not the full “eh-eh.”
SHARNAY I did the full “eh-eh.”
MINNIE Man, I hate that he’s being so coy!
SHARNAY Me too!
CHETLEY Me three!
Angie falls flat on her face in front of them.
INT. HAIR AND MAKEUP SET – CONTINUOUS
Fiona rifles through Minnie’s makeup station again.
CHETLEY (V.O.) Meanwhile, someone had a case of the sticky fingers.
FIONA Hell if I’ll let that little brat tell me what I can and can’t touch. (applies brow gel to both of her eyebrows) INT. HAIR AND MAKEUP SET – LATER THAT DAY Juan Carlos is finishing up a haircut. CUT TO: CHETLEY (V.O.) And later, Juan Carlos proved to be an excellent hairstylist—and television host.
JUAN CARLOS Angie, I am all done with you. I think your hair looks gorgeous, but I can’t let you see yourself yet. It’s a surprise! Next up, makeup.
FLOOR MANAGER Cut! Nice work, Juan Carlos.
JUAN CARLOS Thank you.
FLOOR MANAGER Angie, please take a seat in the makeup chair. Minnie, we’d love to start immediately with you if you’re ready.
MINNIE Ready, Freddie.
FLOOR MANAGER That’s what I like. Coming to you in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .