CHETLEY Right. And I’m Cynthia Nixon. (laughs) Like the way I brought her up twice in one day? What are the chances?
SHARNAY Shush. I’m not kidding. I don’t usually put out so easily. I’m no prude, don’t get me wrong, but I always wait till the third date. Then I will hit it. And I will hit. It. Hard! You know what I’m talkin’ about?
CHETLEY Please, I’m already nauseous from the potpourri. What happened this time?
SHARNAY I was in Cabo two winters ago with my friend Sandra. We were having umbrella drinks and she ended up not feeling so well. She had too much sun or something, so she went back to our hotel room. But I stayed and had one more.
Shot of Sharnay sitting alone at a slightly tacky hotel bar. She is approached by a tall stranger whose face we cannot see.
SHARNAY (CONT’D) Then this mysterious, supercute guy shows up and asks me to dance. Well, one thing led to another and the next thing I know I’m sneaking out of his room at three a.m.
Shot of Sharnay, disheveled and shoes in hand, closing a hotel room door behind her.
SHARNAY (CONT’D) Sandra and I left the next morning, so I never saw him again.
CHETLEY He never told you his name?
SHARNAY I didn’t ask.
CHETLEY I don’t understand why you can’t be sure it’s Juan Carlos.
SHARNAY He had a mustache!
CHETLEY A disguise!
SHARNAY I don’t understand why you can’t be sure.
CHETLEY He told me his name was Hector.
SHARNAY An alias!
CHETLEY Mango!
SHARNAY What?
CHETLEY The potpourri is mango.
SHARNAY You’re a freak.
INT. CHANGING ROOM SET – DAY
CUT TO: Sharnay and Chetley are helping their makeover subject, Angie, find the perfect dress. There are racks of clothes all around the room. Angie remains behind a swinging door.
CHETLEY (V.O.) Later that day, despite our burning curiosity, we had to get to work on our makeover.
SHARNAY (throws a dress over the top of changing room door) Here, Angie, try this dress. We’ll find one that works. Don’t worry. (looks at Chetley and crosses her fingers Minnie enters.
MINNIE Hey, you guys have a minute?
CHETLEY Sure. What’s up?
MINNIE I feel like we got off on the wrong foot this morning. It’s just that I’m a huge fan and I’m so excited to be working with you. Can we be friends? Please?
SHARNAY Of course. Just don’t touch my hair again, girl.
CHETLEY That [BLEEP] don’t like to be touched.
MINNIE Why is it that every time I see the two of you, you’re whispering and telling secrets? I’m starting to get a complex.
SHARNAY We’re not whispering about you.
CHETLEY We’re whispering about Juan Carlos.
MINNIE Total stud, right?
SHARNAY Did you know him before you got this show?
ANGIE (peeks head over changing room door) It’s too tight!
CHETLEY How tight? Like, I-need-Spanx tight or I-need-a-crowbar tight?
ANGIE I don’t know.
CHETLEY (rolls eyes) Let me see. (peeks in changing room) OK, so it’s a little too tight. (makes a face to Sharnay to say it’s terrible) We’ll go one size up.
Sharnay holds up one finger to question “one size up.” Chetley holds up three fingers to indicate three sizes up.
SHARNAY (to Minnie) So, did you know him?
MINNIE No, this morning was the first time I met him.
CHETLEY Do you know if he likes boys?
SHARNAY Or girls?
CHETLEY Or both? (throws another dress over the changing room door) Here’s another one.
MINNIE Oh, I get it. You both have crushes on him. How cute. And a little sad.
SHARNAY That’s not it. (whispers) We think we may have hooked up with him.
MINNIE (horrified) At the same time?
CHETLEY Gross.
SHARNAY No!
MINNIE I don’t understand. What do you mean, you “think” you hooked up with him? Why doesn’t someone “know” that kind of thing?
SHARNAY He had a mustache when he was with me.
CHETLEY And he told me his name was Hector!
MINNIE Ohhhh . . . sneaky.
SHARNAY Shhh.
Fiona and Juan Carlos enter.
FIONA Is Angie ready for hair and makeup? We’re almost behind schedule.
CHETLEY Almost behind schedule? What does that even mean? Either you’re behind schedule or you’re not. That’s like saying you almost won the lottery. Or you almost touched the back of George Stephanopoulos’ neck while he was asleep next to you on the red-eye. But you didn’t because that would be creepy and maybe even illegal.
SHARNAY She’ll be ready in time, Fiona.
ANGIE I think this one looks good!
SHARNAY Let’s see.
Angie steps out of changing room in a voluminous silver gown.
SHARNAY (CONT’D) It’s OK. Not perfect. Let’s try something else.
Angie, dejected, returns to changing room.
FIONA That dress was lovely. If you have a fetish for stove-top popcorn. Look, I don’t need to remind the two of you that if we go over schedule, we run into tens of thousands of dollars in overtime charges with the crew. I will not tolerate that at all this season. (MORE) FIONA (CONT’D) Juan Carlos, hair is up next so, let’s make sure your station is to your liking.
MINNIE Aw, don’t go yet!
FIONA Why not?
MINNIE (scrambling) Juan Carlos has something on his face. I wouldn’t want him to go on TV with an eye booger or anything.
FIONA I don’t see anything.
MINNIE (to Juan Carlos) Come here. Shut your eyes.
Minnie points Juan Carlos’ face toward Sharnay. She takes a piece of her own hair and creates a mustache on Juan Carlos’ face with it. She looks at Sharnay as if to ask if that rings any bells. Sharnay is still unsure.
FIONA Come on, Juan Carlos. Minnie, I suggest you get your makeup station set up. We shoot makeup after hair.
MINNIE It’s all set up.
Fiona and Juan Carlos begin to leave.
MINNIE (CONT’D) Wait! I feel like we all hardly know each other.
FIONA (tugging at Juan Carlos) There will be plenty of time to get to know each other in the future. (dryly) Believe me.
MINNIE Let’s play a game!
FIONA A what?
MINNIE A game. The name game! I say a letter and you have to say the first name that pops into your head. It’s hilarious. (points to Chetley) Your letter is “L.” Go!
CHETLEY Larry.
MINNIE Yes! (points to Sharnay) “F.” Go!
SHARNAY Frank!
MINNIE Great! (points to Juan Carlos) “H.” Go!
JUAN CARLOS Hector.
MINNIE Aha! Hector! That’s a good one!
FIONA Enough! This is a serious television show, Miss Mai, not the inane blog you write. I suggest you start behaving more professionally or your first episode of “You Look Fabulous” will be your last.
Fiona and Juan Carlos exit.
ANGIE (peeking out over top of door) Oooh, you in trouble, girl.
CUT TO BLACK.
END OF ACT TWO.
ACT THREE
INT. CHANGING ROOM SET – CONTINUOUS
SHARNAY Don’t let Fiona bother you.
CHETLEY She’s really charming once you get to know her.
Sharnay and Minnie give skeptical looks.
CHETLEY (CONT’D) I’m totally lying. She’s a demon.