CHETLEY Ha-ha.
FIONA (dryly) Ha-ha. I’m loath to admit that the two of you are safe, at least for the time being. Turns out you’re very much loved by women 18 to 35. For the life of me I can’t figure out why, but apparently my opinion doesn’t matter. Unbeknownst to you, we spent a fortune on extensive market research at the end of last season, conducting focus groups in twelve major cities across America. Sharnay, young women see you as (reads limply from a bound report and uses air quotes) “glamorous,” “inspiring,” and “a good role model.” (rolls eyes) And Chetley, women in the demo see you as “a best friend,” “a favorite gay uncle,” and “the kind of guy you want to have a cosmo with.”
CHETLEY A cosmo? That’s so 2003. Who the hell do I look like, Cynthia Nixon?
SHARNAY No, she’s much more butch than you nowadays.
Sharnay and Chetley mouth the word “lesbian” to each other.
FIONA (annoyed) I think it’s time for you to meet your new cohosts. They’re waiting in the conference room next door. (speaks into intercom) Diane, please send in Juan Carlos and Minnie. (to Sharnay and Chetley) Did I mention they’re much younger than you?
MINNIE enters.
MINNIE Juan Carlos said he’d be right in. I think he’s making a pee-pee. What’s up, bitches! I’m Minnie Mai! Not to be confused with Mini Me! It is so freakin’ amaze-balls to meet you guys! I have been watching this show since I was—I don’t know—twelve. You know, right around puberty, when the boobies really started growing, or not growing in my case. Ha-ha! These are totes fakes. I got C-cups because I didn’t want to look all “Me so horny.” You know what I mean? Me love you long time. I should really S.T.F.U., but I can’t help it. When I get nervous I turn into a racial stereotype. (to Sharnay) O.M.G.! Your hair is gorge! Can I touch? (she touches without waiting for an answer) That’s nice. Silky. Not Chinese because it takes a curl nicely. Probably Indian. Could also be Cambodian hooker.
Sharnay looks stunned and furious. Chetley is amused.
DIANE (ON INTERCOM) Juan Carlos is back. I’m sending him in now.
FIONA Thank you. Let’s stop with the touching. I’m sufficiently repulsed.
JUAN CARLOS enters.
Sharnay and Chetley both gasp in surprise. They look at each other with suspicion and quickly cover.
Fiona and Minnie look at each other and shrug. Juan Carlos smiles.
CUT TO BLACK.
END OF ACT ONE.
ACT TWO INT. FIONA’S OFFICE – DAY
Chetley, Sharnay, Minnie, and Juan Carlos are seated in Fiona’s office. She is handing out packets of photographs and biographical information, which the hosts peruse.
CHETLEY (V.O.) Let’s return to our meeting, shall we? Fun.
FIONA Today you’re making over a woman named Angie Grober. The field team shot her at-home story last week. Mom of nine. Five or six of them are adopted. Cancer survivor. Blah, blah, blah. It’s all in the packet. As you can see from her pictures, she’s tragic. She’s not too fat though, and she has decent bone structure.
JUAN CARLOS Not too fat? It says here she’s a size six.
FIONA Like I said, not “too” fat.
SHARNAY Does she have all her—
FIONA (interrupting) Yes, Sharnay, she has all her teeth. You don’t have to ask me that every week.
SHARNAY (confrontational) I’m asking because I don’t want a repeat of season four, when every woman you cast was missing a big-ole toof in the front of her mouth. (to Minnie and Juan Carlos) You can put a girl in an Armani gown, pile ten pounds of extensions on her head, and give her a to-die-for smoky eye. But if she smiles and half her grille is back in Kentucky, all your hard work is for nothing.
CHETLEY Amen, sister.
MINNIE We could always get them veneers.
FIONA This show doesn’t do cosmetic procedures. No cutting, drilling, injecting. Not even Botox. The guiding principle of this show is helping a woman’s inner beauty shine outward.
SHARNAY (sarcastic) As long as she’s not too ugly to begin with. Right, Fiona?
FIONA Correct. Juan Carlos, do you have any ideas what you’d like to do with her hair?
JUAN CARLOS I was thinking she might look good as a buttery blonde, with some extra highlights around the face and maybe bangs . . .
CHETLEY (V.O.) I thought that meeting would never end. Now I can tell you why Sharnay and I gasped when Juan Carlos entered the office.
DISSOLVE TO: INT. LADIES’ ROOM – DAY Sharnay has been frantically looking for Chetley. She finds him in the ladies’ room.
SHARNAY I have been looking all over for you! What are you doing in the ladies’ room?
CHETLEY I was looking for you! Then I got distracted by the fact that there’s potpourri in here. We don’t have potpourri in the men’s room. And I cannot for the life of me figure out what that smell is. (holds bowl up to her nose) Is that peach?
SHARNAY Get that [BLEEP] out of my face. I need you to spill the beans right now!
CHETLEY I don’t have any beans.
SHARNAY You are full of beans! I saw the way you acted when the new guy showed up.
CHETLEY I saw the way you acted when the new guy showed up.
SHARNAY I don’t know what you’re talking about.
CHETLEY I don’t know what you’re talking about.
SHARNAY Stop repeating everything I say or I am gonna get all Bed-Stuy on your ass.
CHETLEY Bed-Stuy? As in Bedford Stuyvesant? Brooklyn?
SHARNAY Yeah, what about it?
CHETLEY Oh, please. You’re from Toronto. You went to prep school.
SHARNAY (whining) OK, OK. Just tell me. I need to know what’s up with you and him.
CHETLEY Fine. I don’t need this to become common knowledge around here, but I’m 99 percent sure I . . . you know . . . fooled around with him.
SHARNAY Shut. Your. Face!
CHETLEY It was two years ago, after I got gay divorced.
SHARNAY I don’t believe you.
CHETLEY Why not? You don’t believe a guy like me could score a hottie like him?
SHARNAY I’m sure you could. On a good day.
CHETLEY Or is it because you don’t believe he’s gay, because let me tell you . . . (sassy) He ain’t that butch.
SHARNAY Don’t do the black girl thing with your neck. I’ve told you, it’s not cute when you do it. It’s cute when I do it. That’s not what I meant.
CHETLEY What’s your problem then?
SHARNAY I think I fooled around with him too.
CHETLEY Liar!
SHARNAY I am not!
CHETLEY You are just saying that to copy me!
SHARNAY Wrong!
CHETLEY It’s just like that time last season when I told Fiona I wanted wheatgrass-and-aloe juice for lunch every day. And then you said, “Yes, Fiona, I’ll have that too!”
SHARNAY We were doing the same juice cleanse, remember? It was your idea.
CHETLEY Oh, right.
SHARNAY You kept the weight off.
CHETLEY Aww, thank you for noticing.
SHARNAY Look, I’m not yanking your chain. I’m serious. It was the only one-night stand of my life!