SHARNAY SIMMONS, 42, is originally from Toronto, where she attended a prestigious all-girls boarding school. At the age of 16 she was arrested for using a fake ID to enter a club during a weekend outing in New York City. On the bright side, a model scout had also been arrested that night for cocaine possession. The result was a lucrative and lengthy modeling career for Sharnay, which allowed her to travel the world, fine-tune her sense of style, and eventually become a fashion stylist on “You Look Fabulous.”
MINNIE MAI, 21, is a half-Chinese, half-Jewish makeup artist from Minneapolis. When her parents would not let her skip college to pursue a Hollywood makeup career, she doubled up on classes at Northwestern University and finished her bachelor’s degree in chemistry in two years. While in school she created a popular blog called “Mai Face” in which she tested every cosmetic known to womankind. It quickly became rated as the best beauty blog by many major women’s magazines. Minnie is energetic, smart (though a little immature), media-savvy, and always clad in the latest trends.
JUAN CARLOS RODRIGUEZ, 33, is a modern-day Warren Beatty in “Shampoo.” He’s Puerto Rican–American, very charming, and very attractive. His hairstyling career began in his mother’s shop in the South Bronx, where she put him to work at the age of 12 to keep him out of trouble. He eventually worked his way up to styling hair in Manhattan’s most exclusive salons and writing a very popular blog called “Whoomp, Hair It Is.” Juan Carlos is very aware of his good looks and is an equal-opportunity flirt, causing others to frequently question his sexuality.
FIONA WHITTINGCOMB, 39, is the executive producer of “You Look Fabulous.” Originally from London, Fiona is the queen of makeover television, having produced several shows in the genre for the BBC. Fiona comes off as superior and judgmental, not just because she’s British, but because she’s also a bitch.
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
Montage of clips from “You Look Fabulous”—a flashy makeover show.
CHETLEY (V.O.) Hi. My name is Chetley Melbourne, the guy from “You Look Fabulous.” I know, I know, you love that show. And why shouldn’t you. It’s the most successful makeover series in the history of television. “You Look Fabulous” stars me—that’s Chetley Melbourne if you weren’t paying attention—and Sharnay Simmons, as well as [BLEEP] and [BLEEP]. Well, it doesn’t star [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] anymore. Those two got fired, just earlier today as a matter of fact, and evidently things got a little ugly.
Security cam footage of one woman, face blurred, throwing punches wildly at guards, and a man, face blurred, on his hands and knees begging and sobbing.
CHETLEY (V.O.) (CONT’D) Sharnay and I did not get fired, although I wouldn’t have minded too much. She and I have been hosting this show for nine years. That’s a long time to be saying the same crap, over and over and over.
Repetitive clips of Sharnay and Chetley exclaiming “You look fabulous!” to women who have been made over.
CHETLEY (V.O.) (CONT’D) I guess I shouldn’t complain about my job. It pays the mortgage . . . on my mansion!
Shot of Chetley having a martini on a lounge chair in the backyard of a huge house. A handsome, shirtless pool boy is working nearby. Chetley winks to camera.
CHETLEY (V.O.) (CONT’D) But enough about me, at least for now. Let’s talk about Sharnay. Isn’t she pretty? A real natural beauty—if it’s natural to employ three hairstylists, two makeup artists, four wardrobe stylists, and one guy whose sole job it is to apply her liquid eyeliner.
Montage of assistants holding up dresses, jewelry, shoes, and wigs for Sharnay’s approval.
CHETLEY (V.O.) (CONT’D) In all these years, I’ve only seen her without makeup once. I literally mistook her for the home-health aide who takes care of my 92-year-old grandfather.
INT. HALLWAY – DAY CUT TO: Sharnay is walking in a bathrobe, hair in a sloppy bun, with her back to camera. CHETLEY comes from around the corner and mistakes her for someone else.
CHETLEY (CONT’D) (startled and worried) Oh my God, what are you doing here? Is something wrong with Pop-Pop?!? (realizes who she actually is, then awkwardly tries to cover) Oh . . . I mean, Hey! What’s up! Pop pop! Pip pip! See you later, yo!
INT. FIONA’S OFFICE – DAY
CHETLEY (V.O.) Yeah, I know. Not my best recovery, but I was scared! Anyway, we were called into Fiona’s office. She’s the producer of the show, as well as a complete and total B. You might assume that a soulless, backstabbing network executive and someone who has worked on a makeover series for almost a decade would have better fashion sense. But you’d be wrong.
CUT TO:
FIONA sits on her desk, flipping through some paperwork. She wears thigh-high black boots, skintight black leggings, and a very poufy, high-necked white blouse.
CHETLEY (V.O.) (CONT’D) Do you see this? Evidently today she’s taking her style inspiration from Keira Knightley. In “Pirates of the Caribbean.” I can’t even.
FIONA I know the two of you became very close friends of [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] over the years. Well, I’ve got some exciting news. They’ve been fired. And I’ve already received word that they’re suing the network. So, for all intents and purposes, we’re going to consider them dead. (smiles) Sharnay and Chetley stare at each other blankly.
SHARNAY I want [BLEEP]’s parking space.
CHETLEY I want [BLEEP]’s dressing room.
SHARNAY I wanted [BLEEP]’s dressing room!
CHETLEY Well, I wanted [BLEEP]’s parking spot. Trade? Deal.
FIONA Your compassion is heartwarming.
CHETLEY (sings in an Ethel Merman voice) There’s no business like show business! (suddenly concerned) (MORE) CHETLEY (CONT’D) Are you replacing them? Season ten starts shooting today.
FIONA Of course. We’ve hired two new hosts.
SHARNAY Who?
FIONA I was just about to tell you. The two of you will continue to handle clothes, accessories, and shoes. The new hairstylist is named Juan Carlos Rodriguez and the new makeup artist is Minnie Mai.
SHARNAY I’ve never heard of them.
FIONA That’s because they’re new to television. They both write very popular blogs and have huge social media followings.
CHETLEY Bloggers? Is that what it’s come to?
SHARNAY Who reads blogs? I’ve never looked at a blog in my life! What kind of word is blog anyway. Blah-g. Blah-g. Blah-g. Sounds like the ladies’ room at the Beverly Hilton after lunch. (mimics vomiting) Blah-g.
CHETLEY I like the food there.
SHARNAY It’s not the food, it’s the clientele. (sticks finger in her mouth) CHETLEY Oh, a bulimia joke. That’s always in good taste.
Sharnay sticks out her tongue at Chetley. Chetley thumbs his nose back.
FIONA When are you two going to grow up? The network has decided to cast bloggers to attract millennials.
CHETLEY Why on earth would they do that?
FIONA Because you’re not getting any younger.
Chetley gasps in horror.
SHARNAY Ha-ha.
FIONA I was referring to you also, Sharnay.
Sharnay gasps in horror.