I hurried to my car, not taking a full breath of air until I was behind the wheel with the ignition on. However, seconds before I shifted the car into reverse, my phone buzzed, alerting me to a new text message. I quickly checked the screen, seeing Connor’s name, and my heart sank to the pit of my stomach. There was nothing in the world worse than being intimate in any way with Holden, and then receiving a text or call from the man I was supposed to leave him for.
It worried me how easily I could get lost in Holden, and how quickly he could vanish from my life like he had before. But I figured if I started to fall for Holden, I would know the right thing to do to prevent a broken heart. However, I didn’t take into consideration how you aren’t even aware you’re falling until you’re on your way down, and by that point, you can’t do anything about it.
Connor: It’s been 2 months. Whens he gonna sign???
Me: In no more than four months. No matter how many times you ask me, it will be the same answer. You really need to calm down. They gave us a year to get married. We have plenty of time. I can’t do much more than what I already am.
Connor: Is he in love with you?
Me: I have no idea.
Connor: Are you in love with him?
My thumb hovered over the screen. I was unsure of which letters to touch, which words to create, or what answer was the most truthful. Unwilling to think about it much more, I tapped out my message and hit send.
Me: No.
And then I stared through the windshield at the front of his office building, taking in the name on the door: Brewer & York. I’d always been aware of the name of the partnership between him and Matthew. But for some reason, this was the first time I paid attention to the names and didn’t see Matt, didn’t see an accountant’s office.
I saw my name…next to Holden’s.
Guilt flooded me, and I wasn’t sure where it came from. I hadn’t done anything wrong. The original agreement was still in effect. Holden had known from the beginning what my plans were, and that they involved marrying Connor, so talking to Connor shouldn’t have left me wracked with guilt.
But it did.
And not only that, I’d just told him I wasn’t in love with Holden.
Confusion ate up the guilt and made me want to flee. Whether my message to Connor was true or not, it was none of Connor’s business. I wasn’t interested in analyzing the reasons why I’d responded with those two simple letters instead of three.
Connor: Then what are you waiting on?
Feeling beaten down and helpless, I unlocked my phone and sent him a reply.
Me: Give me a week. I think I have an idea.
Connor: I don’t have much choice do I?
It’d taken me long enough, but I finally began my apology tour. After licking my wounds, feeling sorry for myself after finding out how my entire family—including Holden—had excluded me from valuable information, I set out to make things right.
My first stop was Rachel. I figured I’d get the easy ones out of the way first. She used to be a teacher, but now she substituted when she was needed. With Kennedy at home, it made more sense for her to cut back the amount she worked without giving up on her dream of molding the youth of our future. I’d never admit it out loud, but she was definitely my favorite sister.
“You’re so cute, Jelly. You didn’t have to come over here to say you’re sorry for living your life. I always knew if I needed you, all I had to do was call. But I appreciate the gesture.” We hung out on her couch for about an hour while Kennedy napped, and then I left shortly after she woke up so Rachel could feed her lunch.
The next stop was to Nikki, because she was my second favorite sister—not that I’d ever admit that. As luck would have it, she was at Mom’s house for lunch, and I knew Mom would feed me. They both thought my apology was silly but entertained the conversation. Then they decided to discuss breast implants. When Mom started to talk about getting them, I figured it was time to make my exit.
Stacey worked as an at-home health nurse, taking care of an elderly man in his home a few evenings a week, so I went to her house before she had to leave. I made sure I pushed my visit as late as possible in case things went bad. Stacey and I had never really gotten along. We were eleven years apart, but our differences had nothing to do with age, and more to do with our personalities. She was a lot like our dad, whom I loved very much. I was definitely a daddy’s girl, but my age was probably why my dad and I were so close. I got what I wanted because I was the baby, not because we had much in common or spent a lot of quality time together. If that ever happened, I would be willing to bet I’d lose the title of being Dad’s favorite.
“I was jealous of you,” she admitted, nearly shocking the shit out of me. “You had a free ride to college where you basically partied it up. Even after you graduated, you did what you wanted. But at the same time, I was angry that you wanted to live that life instead of being an active participant in our family. I was hours away, too. Except I didn’t have that choice. I was married to a man with a job who didn’t have any desire to move closer. And there you were, no reason to stay away, but you did. So I guess it was an equal mix of envy and irritation.”
Not many words came to me after hearing her confession, but it sure did help make things clearer from her point of view. “I guess I still have some growing up to do. It kinda sucks when everyone is so much older—I could be the most mature person in a group my own age, but being around my family makes me look like an overindulged child. It’s hard to be mature when I feel like I’ll never be old enough for you guys to treat me as an equal.”
I must’ve finally gotten through to her, because her eyes softened and she huffed in resignation. “I’m so sorry, Janelle. I guess I never really saw it that way before.” She gave me a hug, which seemed to last forever. Once it was over, it was like we had nothing left to say, so before things could turn overly awkward, I said goodbye and left.
Christine was last, even though I spoke to her and Matt regularly. There wasn’t much to say other than the apology for being absent when they’d needed me the most. That took all of ten seconds, considering I’d already said it countless times before. And once we got that out of the way, I hung out on her couch with her and helped fold laundry.
With my day complete, I headed home to make Holden dinner.
Then I realized I’d referred to his house as my home. And I had actually looked forward to cooking him supper. Once again, guilt ate at me over the reply I’d sent Connor, when asked if I was in love with Holden. And once again, I pushed it to the back of my mind, refusing to give it credence until I grew more certain about what the future had in store for us.
I stared at the halos on the ceiling, created by the lampshade on top of his nightstand, while his fingertips danced delicately along my bare skin. “Are you not worried at all about this? About what could happen between us in four months when our time is up?”
“What do you mean?”