“In fact, I was just talking to Nikki, and she’s so happy that we’re all local again. Mom won’t stop talking about having all her babies under one roof.” He made sure to say that with a mocking tone, making Mom sound like some old, frail lady with no teeth. We laughed for a second before he placed his hand on my back and grew serious. “Really, Jelly, I’m not lying. I don’t know what you heard—or what you think you heard—but I’m willing to bet you misunderstood.”
“As much as I want to believe you, Matt, I can’t. I heard what she said. Stacey doesn’t want me here. She’s mad that I’m here. I’m not sure if she means ‘here’ as in Mom and Dad’s house, or in general, like mad that I moved back. Oh, but she loves Holden. It’s very clear that he fits in with everyone better than I do…all because I went off to school and was busy getting a degree.”
He sat next to me with his back hunched, his arms resting on his knees, and stared at the empty lot across the street through squinted eyes. He had something he wanted to say, but needed a moment to organize his thoughts, so I waited patiently for him to get it all together. Yet, I didn’t expect to hear him say what he did.
“Don’t listen to her. She’s bitter—but she has a right to be.” He turned his blue eyes—true blue, not some odd mixture of whatever leftover color I got—to me and silenced me with his stare. It was eerie, but at the same time, trusting. “Stacey and Tony waited way too long before they came home. I guess they kept hoping they’d be able to dig themselves out of their hole. She hung on until the last possible second, because the thought of asking for help made her sick.”
“That’s not my fault, though.”
“No. It’s not. And she shouldn’t take her anger out on you. I’m not justifying her actions—never have and never will. Hell, I disagree with the majority of what Stacey does. But it’s not my life, so my opinions don’t matter. Who am I to judge what they do? In my opinion, I think they should’ve come to us, as a family, long before they did. They wouldn’t have needed half as much help had they come to us sooner. But I can’t dwell on that. I have to be thankful they’re okay, and they’ve made it through.”
“How bad was it? He lost his job…what am I missing?”
“He lost his job months and months before anyone knew.”
My mouth fell open, and I stared in shock at my brother. “He didn’t tell her that he was fired?”
“He wasn’t fired. He was let go. But that’s beside the point. She knew, but no one else did. Meaning, we didn’t know. Stacey didn’t tell Mom and Dad until close to a year later. They had bills they couldn’t pay, more than normal, and even though she took on extra nursing shifts, they couldn’t cut it. So Dad offered him a job selling insurance, and Stacey got hired as an at-home care nurse, but that still didn’t cover it. Finally, about a year ago, Holden pulled together enough money to pay off their bills to get that monster off their backs.”
There was so much to say, but I couldn’t form any words. I couldn’t lie—it made my heart happy to hear how Holden had helped my family, knowing he’d never see that money again. It wasn’t a loan, but a gift, and I had trouble wrapping my head around that kind of generosity. Not that it was foreign to me, because heartless people did not raise me. I guess more than anything, it proved how much Holden was an intricate part of this family.
“So if all that happened a while ago—the bills being paid off a year ago—why is she still so bitter?”
Matthew took a deep breath and slowly let it out while staring off into the distance, almost avoiding eye contact. “I don’t think she’s a bitter person, if that makes sense. But I do think she holds some sort of resentment for you. I don’t know if it’s jealousy-based, because while she was going through one the most difficult points in her life, you were off living it up and having fun. Or if she feels like you didn’t care because you weren’t here when she needed you the most.”
“I didn’t even know—”
He held up his hand to stop my screeching argument. “I know, Jelly. And deep down, she knows, too. I don’t think that’s where her bitterness comes from, because I want to believe she’s capable of seeing the entire picture. I’ve had to point it out to her a few times, and I know Tony has, as well. She kept us all in the dark, and because of that, she can’t blame anyone but herself. Although, if I’m being honest here…” He caught my attention and waited a few blinks before continuing. “I think she found herself hanging by a thread, at the end of her rope, clinging onto life itself as if she were down to her last breath. And now, she has all the air she wants and her rope has been extended, but her nerves are still fried. Have you ever been so stressed that even after it’s passed your heart still beats fast and your chest remains tight? I think that’s how it is for her.”
“But you just said the bills were paid a year ago. How much longer does she plan to hold onto the anxiety? Maybe she should seek help, talk to someone.”
Complete and utter desolation covered his face like a veil, darkening his features. “She is talking to someone. Has been for a while now. And I don’t think her anxiety is over what happened as much as it is simply caused by it. I think she’s more worried about the other shoe dropping than she is about the past.”
I nodded, finally understanding what he tried so carefully to explain. But it left me feeling certain that whatever Holden thought I needed to be here for, it had something to do with Stacey. It was obvious she needed me, and even more evident that she wouldn’t lean on me willingly. I’d promised Holden I wouldn’t pry, so I resigned myself to sitting on the sidelines and waiting for the invitation to come, hoping at some point, it would.
“Thanks, Matthew. I appreciate the pep talk. It’s been a bit stressful coming back, and nothing made me feel more estranged from my own flesh and blood than walking inside and being treated as if I were a stranger.”
“Well, you haven’t been here for a long time. A lot can happen, sis. And a lot did. But that doesn’t mean you’re not welcome or wanted. It just means we have to adjust to the final member of the Brewer clan returning and make room within the circle for you.”
“That circle seems rather tight at the moment.”
He knocked his shoulder into mine and said, “Eh…it is, but that’s not a bad thing. Being part of a strong support system is far better than being part of a weak one. And it doesn’t mean there’s not enough room for more people to squeeze in. Just imagine how much tighter it’ll be when you worm your way back in.”
“You’re very uplifting, has anyone ever told you that before?” My words practically dripped with sarcasm. “You should be a motivational speaker. In the event being a CPA fails you, and Brewer and York falls apart, at least you know you have something to fall back on.”