I didn’t want to be her because she had Holden.
No. I wanted to be her because she was perfect.
Holden got up from the couch and took his mug to the kitchen, and I inwardly cursed myself. He had Veronica in his bed last night. I was an idiot to think I could prance out here in panties and a tank top and make him turn his head. Yeah, right. His thirst was more than quenched last night. I had more of a chance to convince a vegetarian to try filet mignon than I did getting Holden’s attention after a night with Miss Sex in Heels.
Even so, I watched him move around the kitchen, while taking note of his T-shirt, gym shorts, and sneakers. They looked so good on him. The way the silky material hung on his hips and hit him just below the knees made me pant with desperation. I’d seen my share of hot guys on campus, but nothing compared to Holden first thing in the morning. That’s a lie. Nothing compared to him right after a shower.
Holy I’ve-seen-you-naked, Batman.
Every time I saw him with his hair wet, I couldn’t help but call upon the single memory I had of when we were in the shower together, before I ruined everything. The one glimpse I’d had of his man meat. I was sure my imagination had embellished it over the years, because there was no way he truly was that big. But in my mind, he was. And it was glorious. And as I stared at him in basketball shorts, it was all I could think of.
“Need a napkin?” His voice brought me back to reality, and his smirk let me know he’d caught me checking him out. Thank God he didn’t know exactly what I was thinking. “You got some drool there.” He pointed to his chin, which brought my attention to the dark spatter of hair along his jaw.
“Very funny.” I offered a fake laugh and pulled myself from the couch. I made a beeline for the fridge where my morning caffeine resided. “Where are you headed off to this morning? And are you planning on going to my parents’ this afternoon for dinner?”
“I’m going for my jog. Wanna join me?”
I scowled in his direction. “No. Unless someone is chasing me, you won’t see me run.”
“Whatever. You don’t know what you’re missing.”
“Bouncing boobs, sore thighs, cleavage sweat, swamp ass…I’m well aware of what I’m missing. Back to dinner. Are you going to my parents’?”
“I go every week. I’m not suddenly going to stop now that you’re here. I didn’t make this arrangement for you to take my place at the family table.” For whatever reason, his answer got to me, and I didn’t like it. He must’ve recognized it on my face, because his shoulders relaxed, and he tried again. “Yes, Janelle. I’ll be there. Did you want to ride together?”
My heartbeats tripped over each other at his offer. “Sure.” I added a shrug for good measure, hoping he hadn’t noticed the palpitations he caused. “Save on gas and whatnot. Good for the environment. Eco-friendly and everything. It’s a good idea. Ozone layer. Carbon dioxide.” I poured cold, carbonated soda down my throat to keep me from spouting out more random words as if they somehow made sense and gave cause for us riding in the same vehicle together.
Still, it hadn’t stopped him from laughing at me. But at least he tried to be polite and keep it under his breath. Although it didn’t matter to the burn in my cheeks over the absolute humiliation that covered me like a blanket. I had no idea what had happened to me over the last twenty-four hours, but I needed it to stop. Apparently, finding out Holden had sex with a goddess stole every last brain cell I had in my head and left me acting like a bumbling idiot.
“You sure you don’t want to jog with me? The fresh air might do you some good.”
I quirked a brow at him and finished swallowing my drink. “I’m positive.”
“Suit yourself,” he called out over his shoulder.
I didn’t wait until I heard the door close before running back to my room to put clothes on. What seemed like a fantastic idea had turned out to be the worst thing I’d ever come up with. I was confident in my body, knew I didn’t have anything to be ashamed of, but I was no Veronica. And had I shared a bed with her last night, I wouldn’t have wanted to see me, either. I wanted to hang my head in shame and disappear, but I couldn’t. I had to march on. Keep my head up. Eyes on the prize.
After collapsing on the couch, I learned the batteries in the remote had died. So I helped myself to every nook and cranny in his house looking for extras. I gave up when in what seemed to be a very organized junk drawer in the kitchen, I found an old photo of Holden and Matt. They couldn’t have been older than twelve since that was the cutoff for trick or treating. Both of them were dressed head to toe in a costume—Matt was Superman, and Holden was Batman.
I had basically no memory of my life before Holden. He’d come into it at such an early age for me that it was easy to believe he’d been there since day one. Not to mention, he’d spent nearly every day at our house from the moment he’d met Matthew until…well, it seemed he still spent time at my parents’ house. So there weren’t many aspects of my life he wasn’t there for. When I closed my eyes and thought about Holden, a lot came to mind. However, in everything I could conjure up about him and our past together, the bad times were never the ones that came to me easily. Those were the moments I had to consciously bring to the surface. They weren’t the defining moments of him or how I felt about him—then or now.
The parts of him that had lingered over the years, even when I didn’t want them to, was the way he’d hang his arm over my shoulders and tuck me protectively into his side. Or how calming it was to feel the pad of his thumb wipe away an errant tear. Every important male figure in my life had a role: Dad was the gatekeeper, the lawmaker, and overall police. Matthew was my bodyguard. But Holden…he was my Batman.
“In a fight between Batman and Superman, Superman would win every time.” This seemed to be a constant debate between Matthew and Holden. And no matter how many times it was discussed, neither person changed their views. My brother defended the flying superhero as if he had a personal interest in him, and Holden argued his case for the dark knight with equal enthusiasm.
“Take away his superpowers and he wouldn’t,” Holden argued with a smug grin on his boyish face. He’d just started to shave and thought he looked like a man; we all had a good laugh at that one.