He wanted my body. But he wanted something else more. And he couldn’t earn that until I was cured.
His fingers squeezed my hipbones. “I would’ve been the one to buy you. I would’ve spent every goddamn penny for the honour of owning you, if only for a night. And then, I would’ve come to my senses and let you go.” He released my hips, tucking hair behind my ear as it licked my cheek with sea breeze. “I can’t say I wouldn’t have bought you and never touched you. A reaction like the one I have toward you is too powerful to control. But I promise if I had fucked you, you wouldn’t have been hurt. You wouldn’t be broken with memories of abuse. You would’ve been a full participant. And who knows? Maybe we would’ve fallen in love and realised no amount of money could buy happiness. That it was only fate.”
His eyes softened as his thumb whispered over my cheek. “But we’ll never know if what we feel could’ve been anything more than lust. Because you’re damaged, and I have no right to damage you further. I went against my promises last night. I hurt you. And what I want from you…it’s too much to ask. I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to do the right thing and set you free.”
Wait…what?
I froze, staring past his confession, trying to see if he was serious.
I—
I didn't know how I felt about that.
Just like yesterday when he’d taken me, I needed his support to keep me in one piece. He shattered me but held me together in equal measures. My nemesis and saviour.
He couldn’t give me something so painful and pleasurable and then say he was getting rid of me.
Anger bubbled. I pushed at his hands, forcing him to let me go. “So now you’ve been inside me you have no more time for me, is that it?”
His eyes widened. “What? No! Of course not. I want—”
“You want to get rid of me to remove any evidence of losing control.”
“That’s not it at all—”
My throat burned, but I hissed through my pain, “Do what you want. Get rid of me. See if I care.” I fought my sudden trembling. “But know this. I didn’t run or hide from you today. I could’ve barricaded myself in my room for what you did and the way you made me feel. I could’ve jumped overboard to be free of everything. But I didn’t.”
I swallowed, lubricating my throat, checking in with my tongue to ensure my tirade was doable after years of silence.
Elder opened his mouth to interrupt, but I growled, “I’m standing here because I’m strong enough to discuss what happened between us. I’m brave enough to kiss you knowing what happened last time.”
I jabbed a finger in his chest. “You might call me damaged, but how could I do those things if I was still the same girl you carried from that white dungeon? I thought you were willing to help me through this. That whatever reasons you stole me was just the beginning. You knew how screwed up I was, yet you gave me a purpose to fight.” My lips curled. “And now I’m ready to fight, to talk, to argue, to stand up to you, and you don’t want me?” I laughed coldly. “You aren’t the man I thought you were. You’re a coward.”
He backed away, his face resembling concrete cracking with an earthquake. “You’re right that you don’t know me. That’s why I’m giving you your freedom.”
“I know enough.” I looked him up and down. “You’re afraid of me.”
His hands twitched by his sides. “Wrong.”
“You’re afraid of what you’ll do to me.”
“Yes, fucking terrified.”
His admission quietened me for a second.
He leapt into the silence, tearing it up with his own argument. “You think now I’ve had you—the brief moment I was inside you—I’ve conquered whatever I need and can toss you aside as if you mean nothing?” His teeth bared. “Fuck, Pim. It’s the opposite. Now that I’ve felt you, I need you so goddamn much my joints hurt because of it. My heart hurts. My body hurts. Everything fucking hurts. Being this close to you is torture because all I want to do is bend you over the railing and fuck you.”
He groaned long and low as explicit images filled his head and mine. “I want to smother you with my body and thrust inside you. I want to do such things to you. Things you aren’t and will never be ready for. It’s because of that that I’m going to let you go. Don’t you dare say I’m scared of you. I’m not.” He sucked in a breath. “I’m scared of myself.”
Couldn’t he see I knew bad people, and he wasn’t bad? He carried his fair share of sins, but beneath that he was redeemable. “What if I don’t want to go?”
He breathed hard. “What?”
The question mimicked mine.
What am I saying?
All this time, I’d searched frantically for a way to be free, to return home and do my best to find a normal existence. But that was before Elder showed me I could never be Tasmin again. I could be a newer version of her, but I could never be the teenage girl who believed in fantasies of safety. I would go home…eventually. When I was untangled and repaired.
But not yet.
He could sell you to another.
No, I didn’t believe that. He could never be so callous after everything he’d just said. I’d thought he would trade me to another master a week ago, but that was before I truly started to listen. To see.
I lowered my voice, but it didn’t stop the desire for him to understand throbbing in every vowel. “You keep saying you’re thinking of my benefit. That letting me go is for my safety from you.” I stepped into his space. “I say it’s for your benefit. You’re the one who has more to lose by keeping me.”
“Damn fucking right I do. I could lose myself.”
“Lose yourself in me?”
“Yes, of course, in you. My heart in you, my cock in you. Fucking everything.”
“I won’t let that happen if you keep me.”
“No.”
“Fulfil your promise to make me buy myself from you. Make me strong by making me worthy.” I didn’t say how much I wanted him to touch me again or that I was open to another kiss and tentative exploration of things I’d been trained to hate. Human contact no longer repulsed me; I was just wary. He’d shown me not all men had brutality on their minds when it came to sex.
I wanted to know what was on his mind.
I wanted him to show me.
Because only then could I be free. Be human. Be a woman and not this terrified prisoner.
“I won’t do that.” He shook his head. “We’re sailing to port. I’ll do my best to find your mother, and once I do, I’ll take you home. I’ll do what I should’ve done the moment I found you.”
He sighed heavily, glancing at the grey twilight where once there’d been a spectacular sunset. “Once you’re back with those you trust, we’re saying goodbye, and I’m leaving. For good.”
Chapter Five
______________________________
Elder
GODDAMMIT. EVERY TIME I went near her, I ended up doing something I regretted.
First the kiss and then telling her about my plan to free her?
I hadn’t even finalised what I would do, yet somehow, I’d itemised everything just because she undermined my self-control.