Needing to focus my wandering thoughts, I looked at Alex. He sat next to Jordan, casually dressed as usual with a green T-shirt and blue jeans. His fingers swept through his hair a couple of times, and I wondered if he was nervous.
"Alex said you needed to talk to us about something?" Jordan asked impatiently.
I cleared my throat. "Oh… Yes. Sorry to keep you waiting."
"It's okay," Alex said as he sent Jordan a look of warning. Jordan didn’t acknowledge him and continued to watch me.
I sat down in the armchair across from the men and rubbed my sweaty palms over my jeans. "Okay, I…" I stopped, not sure how to continue.
I had this all planned out in my head, but with both of them sitting there in front of me, I froze. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath, and when I opened them, they both were giving me curious looks. I stood, too keyed up to stay still, and started pacing in front of them.
Both men followed my movements silently, never once pushing me to continue. When I looked at Jordan, his eyes had softened. He knew I was upset, and I loved him even more for being so patient. I stopped pacing and faced them both. Finally, I found my voice.
"I have really enjoyed our time together," which was an understatement.
"But…" Jordan said, as Alex looked at him in surprise.
I could tell Jordan knew what was coming and his narrowed eyes said he had an argument ready. God, this is going to be hard.
"But I think it's time for it to end." I was relieved that I had finally said it, but by the look on both men's faces, I knew it was far from over.
"Why?" Alex asked, totally perplexed.
"I-I-I just think it's time," I stuttered. "We had fun, but now it's over."
Jordan's stare pierced through me, slicing at my already battered insides. "Yes, we have been having fun, so why do we need to stop?"
I really didn’t want to explain, but it looked like I was going to have to tell them something. "I care for both of you, very much," I said, hands folded in front me to keep them from shaking. "And I can't keep the no strings rule anymore."
"What do you mean?" Alex asked.
"I mean…" I sucked in a breath, as anger began to bubble through my veins. The conversation was getting ridiculous. Can a girl not break up with her lovers without all the questions?
Fine, I was going to have to be more firm. They weren’t going to like what I had to say, but maybe the discussion would end sooner rather than later.
My cheeks flushed hot. "Like I told you, I care about both of you, and I can’t do just a physical relationship. I need more."
Alex sucked in a surprised breath and looked at Jordan. That just pissed me off more. Alex should not have to ask for Jordan's permission, but that was exactly what it looked like he was doing.
"That was the deal, Sam." Jordan's voice filled with tension, as he gritted his teeth. "No strings, remember? There can't be more."
"I know what we agreed to," I practically shouted. "But I can't do it anymore! What else do you want me to say? It's over."
"Are you trying to tell me you didn't enjoy yourself?"
I flushed as Jordan’s lips pulled up in an arrogant smirk. God, he was so full of himself."You know I did, that is not the issue," I seethed.
"Then I don't see the problem."
Jordan relaxed against the couch, as if that was the final say. My hands balled into fists at my sides. His behavior was extraordinary.
"Of course you don't see the problem. You don’t give a shit that I’m the one who would get hurt. You're not the one feeling used!" I barked.
I felt insistently guilty for saying what I did. Alex looked hurt and that was not my intention.
"You really feel that way?" Alex asked softly. "You feel like we used you?"
Before I could answer, Jordan spoke up, his words harsh with annoyance. "Come on, Sam, you sure haven't been acting like you were feeling this way while we were using you."
I hated the nasty way he mocked me, but he was right.
"No, I didn't feel that way. I'm sorry I said that, although sometimes…" I looked away, trying to gather myself before I broke down in front of them.
"When we made love, I didn't feel used, but afterwards and the days in between… Yeah, I did. You have never stayed the night with me, ever."
I held up a hand to stop them from commenting. "I know that was one of the rules, but you never just… hold me for very long either. We rarely talk anymore. Remember when we use to hang out and have fun?"
I looked at them, hopefully, but neither responded. I wrapped my arms around my middle, trying to hold it together for a little while longer.
"It's all about sex now," I continued, pleading with them to understand. "The only time you talk to me or come over is for that. How should I feel?" I felt tears gather in the corner of my eyes and quickly turned to wipe them away before they could see.
I turned back as Alex spoke. "I am so sorry you feel that way," he said sincerely.
"Me too," Jordan agreed. "But we can't offer you anything more."
I looked at Alex. "He said we, but he can't speak for you."